Up in Smoke (Hotshots 4)

“It hasn’t been easy.” Damn. If she was jealous of their success at baby wrangling, he honestly didn’t know how to educate her. All the late nights. All the times trying different things to keep the baby happy with short-lived results. All the drudgery—the bottles and diapers and endless changes. “It’s a lot of work.”

And now that he’d done it, he wouldn’t trade it for anything, but he also wasn’t having Shelby think he and Shane had been having some sort of sitcom life either. Which she should know seeing as she’d been doing all that alone, while at least he and Shane had had each other.

“Yeah. Work.” Shelby made another pinched expression. “I thought it would be fun, having a baby. But it was so hard. I didn’t even make it eight weeks. Maybe my next try will go better.”

Brandt’s blood went Colorado mountaintop cold, heart slowing as he became hyperaware of each syllable Shelby had uttered. Next. Try. No. Shane had asked him if he was sure what he wanted, and in this instant of stark clarity Brandt had never been more certain of what he had to do.

“I want custody.”

Shelby blinked and tilted her head, almost like she was seeing Brandt for the first time ever. “Like you want to watch her here longer for me?”

“This isn’t babysitting.” One possible future loomed in front of them, a lifetime of passing Jewel back and forth, never knowing when or where the kid might appear, never being able to predict or plan for handoffs. Brandt couldn’t let that happen. “My lawyer has paperwork that will make it official who has responsibility and who makes which decisions.”

“Wow.” She whistled and her mouth stayed pursed. “Court. I didn’t think...”

“Trust me, I hate involving the court too, but I have to think of Jewel’s best interests here.” Jewel had fallen asleep in the sling, and he rubbed her little back.

“And you think best interests means you keeping her?” Shelby sounded more confused than accusatory.

“Kids deserve a stable home. I know that more than most.” He didn’t want to get into his whole history with her, which was funny considering how easily he’d shared his past with Shane. This thing with Shane was so much more than sex. A huge part of their connection was how good it felt to talk with him. How right. Shane knew stuff about Brandt that people he’d worked with for years had no clue about, and he already missed him so much that it was hard to fully concentrate on what had to be done.

“Eh.” She made a dismissive gesture. “Shane and I moved around so much I never bothered memorizing most zip codes. We turned out okay.”

Brandt’s brain supplied an image of Shane on his birthday, the way he’d been so surprised that Brandt had bothered remembering. The pained way Shane spoke about his past mirrored a lot of Brandt’s own inner dialogue. And Shelby herself had certainly found her share of trouble. Okay was relative. Sure, they’d survived, but Brandt would hardly say they’d escaped unscathed.

“Listen, I don’t want to fight you, but I’m going to do my damnedest to give Jewel what we didn’t get.”

“You’re a parenting expert now?” Frowning, she broke one of the bagels in half.

Brandt had to take several shallow breaths so that he didn’t snap back. Even after trying to calm himself, his tone still came out rather sharp. “I’ve learned a fair amount on the job, yes.”

“I’m the mom,” she whispered. Her hands were busy shredding the poor bagel. Like her hair, her nails were scruffy and uneven. Lots of little signs that she was struggling, and while Brandt’s head pounded with worry for the baby, he wasn’t unsympathetic to whatever she was dealing with.

“Yeah, you are.” Brandt gentled his voice. “Nothing’s going to change that. Just like I’m the dad. The DNA test proved it, but I don’t want it to be only a line on a form.”

“Guess that means we have to work together.” She said it offhand, like she wasn’t sure whether she liked that idea, but Brandt still nodded.

“We do. Which is why I’d like to get something in writing.” He wasn’t dropping that point. Not when fear of Shelby running off with Jewel made his stomach cramp and especially not when she didn’t seem in any shape to parent on her own.

“Paperwork.” She wrinkled her nose. “At least you’ve had help.”

Help. It was true, but was that all Shane had been? He’d told Shelby that this wasn’t babysitting for him, but he didn’t think it was for Shane either. He was every bit as much a part of this parenting thing as Brandt.

And yet you sent him away. Told him you could manage without him.

Lies. Because he wanted Shane to make his dreams come true, but he also couldn’t deny that he’d given Shane a firm push in that direction. And for what reason? Brandt was afraid of the answer there, and his brain was only too happy to gallop back to Shelby, who had apparently given up on waiting for a reply from him and finally taken a bite of the unmangled half of bagel.