High Heat (Hotshots 2)

Still, it went to show yet again that there was no point in getting attached. Things moved on, went on to find new homes to bless, and he could try to snatch favorites back, but eventually everything moved on. Like Garrick, who was either too afraid to keep Rain around or simply not as invested as Rain was in their relationship. Something.

Rain kept saying he was done trying to figure him out, but here he was, mind back on their fight as he mashed bananas with an almost alarming amount of force. He whipped the batter hard enough that he was legit sweating by the time he put it in the oven. But the last thing he wanted was more time alone with his thoughts, so he went out to the patio while he waited for the bread to bake. “Need a hand?”

“No, sweetie. I’ve got this. You worked another long day yesterday. And you’re baking us a treat.” Her tone was warm, not dismissive, but it still prickled at Rain, made his neck tense.

“Why don’t you ever need my help? It practically takes an act of Congress to get you to let me help you.”

“Pardon?” Grandma blinked, undoubtedly at his petulant tone, which sounded whiny even to his own ears. She pulled herself up to her full height, looking him straight in the eye. Damn, she was scary when she wanted to be. “Am I supposed to need your help doing something I’ve been doing since before your father was born?”

“Mom said...” Whoops. This was dangerous territory. Time to backtrack. “Never mind. More that I thought when I came for the summer that you’d want my help with your work. I kinda figured you might need me for more than the occasional yardwork or dye pot lifting.”

“Your parents have a way of getting ahead of themselves.” Her gaze was still steely. “My newest arthritis medicines have been working so well that I haven’t needed much help, which is something I’m happy about. Point of pride, I guess you could say. I always have been independent to a fault. But I certainly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“You didn’t,” Rain was quick to lie.

“I did, and I’m sorry. But it’s not that I don’t want your help—want and need, those are two different things.”

“How so?” To Rain’s mind, if someone needed his help and then accepted it, that was them wanting him around. Simple. He had years of memories surrounding growing up in the community, tasks that needed doing, praise doled out for doing the work that benefited the group. Somehow, he’d come to crave that feeling of being needed and wanted all at once.

“Want is way more about choice. Preference, not requirement. Freedom. Want is getting to do what’s enjoyable simply because it’s appealing, not because you need assistance doing something you’ve done fifty years on your own.”

“Oh.” A vision of Cookie’s new leash leaped to the front of his mind, along with the memory of the melancholy that had been chasing him ever since. Maybe not being needed wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Maybe it was possible to be not needed but still very much wanted. Maybe. Want required trust though, which was in damn short supply for him right then.

“See, when I don’t need help, I can still do what’s fun, like dyeing a few shirts with my favorite grandson.” She passed him a squeeze bottle.

That made sense, made him think of all the fun he and Garrick had, and if everything wasn’t beyond fucked up, he’d be chomping at the bit to go tell Garrick about his realization, apologize for being pouty. Maybe it was a good thing to not be needed as that created more room to be wanted.

But even if Garrick did want him around now, he’d made it clear that want didn’t necessarily extend to a future together, and Rain simply wasn’t sure he could give him a few uncertain weeks.

“Lark’s not here,” he felt honor bound to remind Grandma as he pulled on a pair of gloves and started applying dye. He was still pleased though, a warmth spreading across his face.

“Oh, you’re all my favorites in different ways,” she said airily, causing the warm feelings to abruptly stop. Figured. He wasn’t special on his own, was just another grandson, one who was more than occasionally the annoying one, the one who was too much for people. And just like that he was back to worrying that maybe his parents were right all along and he was best in small doses. Maybe it wasn’t so much Garrick being a coward about commitment as the inevitability of him not wanting Rain as much as Rain wanted him.

Hell. He didn’t know, and going around and around on that point had him using way more dye than needed for the shirt.