Off Base (Out of Uniform 1)

“Not exactly.” The pink stain on Zack’s cheeks belied his words.

“Zack,” Pike groaned. “Come on. Level with me, man. Are you really straight? I know I’ve got a rep as a loose cannon, but I swear to God, this goes no further than us. If you’re gay or bi or pan or whatever but closeted, I’ll keep your secret.”

Zack was quiet a long time, eyes deathly still, mouth not moving, even to chew. It was as if his whole body had shut down to think. Come on, trust me. Pike tried a trick of his mother’s and tried to surround himself with a trustworthy aura.

But it didn’t work, because eventually Zack shook his head.

“Fuck.” Pike thumped his head against the couch. “Then no, we can’t kiss again. No repeats. No ‘experiments.’ You get me?”

“I get you.” Zack glowered at him. “I don’t get why you’re so hung up on labels. I mean you flirt with everyone. And you joke about threesomes. I would think you’d be happy—”

Pike held up a hand. “How about you stop before you call me a slut, okay? And yeah, I flirt. That’s my right. And joking about threesomes that aren’t happening? Dude, have you looked at Ryan lately? Who the hell wouldn’t want a threesome with him and Josiah? And it’s my right not to screw around with straight guys. Ever since...” He clamped his mouth down around the word vomit threatening to spew forth. “Never mind. I’ve got rules, that’s all I’m saying.”

“What happened?” Zack’s voice was softer now, and he’d scooted closer to the couch during Pike’s tirade. If he’d pushed back with more slut shaming, Pike wouldn’t think twice about not answering, but something in Zack’s expression made him want to share this story. And who knew? Maybe it would help the guy.

“I had this best friend in middle school and high school. Roger. I was one of those kids, I was always out. People didn’t have to wonder with me—I was always on the level about liking guys. But Roger didn’t care, or so he said. And we were buds all through school. And he said he was into girls, but I couldn’t help myself and...” Pike sighed and trailed off.

“You fell in love.” Zack said it as a statement, not a question.

“Yeah. I fell hard, and by the middle of high school, I thought maybe he was just scared to come out. After a while, I could swear it was mutual. I built this whole fantasy around him realizing that he felt the same way for me.”

“Did you try...anything with him?” Zack voice was almost inaudible.

This part was hard to admit, but Pike nodded. “We jerked off together for years. Eventually, he let me kiss him while we did that, and that’s when I thought that maybe my feelings were mutual. We were making out and jerking off, and eventually oral, and there had to be something behind it, you know?”

Zack nodded even though Pike was pretty sure that he didn’t see, couldn’t possibly see.

“But there wasn’t.” Bitterness crept into his voice. He didn’t want to share this next bit, but maybe he needed to, to remind himself why he couldn’t ever go down this road again. “I got into my head by senior year that maybe he just needed a nudge. A little push.”

“So what’d you do?” Zack leaned back against the base of the couch, looking up at Pike with wary eyes.

Be afraid, man. Be very afraid. Pike let out a harsh noise. “I asked him to prom. In public. In front of our friends. And he laughed and said he was straight like everything between us was a big joke. And that was the end of everything between us. He never let himself be alone with me again.”

“Fuck, that sucks.” Zack shook his head. “You probably shouldn’t have gone the public route—”

“You’re seriously going to go with that?”

“I’m not saying he was right.” Zack’s voice was all defensive. “He was an ass to you. But maybe he didn’t want to be gay—”

“Dude.” Pike had a feeling they weren’t discussing Roger right then, but he was going to cut that argument right the hell off. “It’s not a choice. There is no ‘want to.’ If dick turns your crank, if it makes you hard, if you beg someone for it for years, you are not straight. Pan, maybe. Bi, sure. Gay, possibly. But not straight.”

Zack bent forward like Pike had punched him, mumbling something Pike couldn’t make out. Pike was too fired up to ask him to repeat himself.

“What he was, was a liar—and not just to me. To himself. And sure, I probably shouldn’t have sprung a public prom-posal on him, but he could have trusted me more. Told me he wasn’t ready to come out or whatever.”