He knew what Maddox was offering—a future where Ben was the one to head out with the team, come back to Maddox baking muffins and adding little touches to the apartment. Until the day he’d come back, and Maddox wouldn’t be there. Oh, it wouldn’t be right away, but eventually he’d get tired of waiting, just like Trey had. Eventually, he’d meet someone at church or cooking class, someone better suited to this rosy-ass vision Maddox had for his future of a perfect little life. Fuck all if Ben knew how to give him that.
All Ben knew was that he needed Maddox like he needed his left lung, and fuck but this hurt worse than the pneumothorax. How was he supposed to function without Maddox? With this rejection? Because that was absolutely what this was—a rejection. Maddox wasn’t the only one with a vision. Ben had one too. Them serving together until the day finally came to pack it in. Together.
Knock. Knock. A banging came from the front door. “Open up! Police.”
Oh fuck. Had he tripped the alarm system coming in? He hurried to the door with feet none too steady. This was all his day needed.
“Opening the door.” He did it slow and steady. “I’m the homeowner’s son. There a problem?”
“Neighbor reported the lights on and the homeowners out of town.” The officer who spoke was a woman around his age. She was accompanied by a younger and skinnier guy, who looked downright disappointed that Ben wasn’t creating a threat.
“Yeah, they are. You want me to get them on the phone? I’m not sure what time it is in Portugal...” Fuck, but he did not want to explain to his dad what he was doing camping out there.
But such was his luck that night that the officer who’d spoken nodded. “If you could. Let’s just settle this quickly.”
And of course, his dad didn’t pick up his phone. The officer’s expression got more concerned, her dark eyebrows drawing together. “Maybe—”
“Hold on, hold on.” Ben knew his words were slurring as he tried Camilla next. “Trying his...wife.” God that still felt weird to say. “My stepmother.” Weirder.
Then Camilla answered on like the tenth ring. “Ben? Honey, it’s four a.m. here. Is something wrong?”
Everything. Everything was wrong. To his utter mortification, fat tears welled up in his eyes and his voice broke as he lied, “No, but could you talk to this officer, tell her that it’s okay for me to be at the house. Please.”
“Of course.” He heard Camilla rouse his father, then he passed the phone to the officer who apparently got the information she needed fairly quickly.
“We’ll just be on our way.” She handed Ben the phone back. “Sorry for any inconvenience.”
Sorry for my whole damn life. Ben nodded, eyes still stinging. As he’d expected, the phone rang almost as soon as he closed the door.
“I’m fine,” he told his dad, shaking voice calling him a liar.
“You’ve been drinking.” His dad sounded exhausted, and Ben felt guilty for screwing up his sleep. “What’s wrong? Why are you at the house?”
“Just need a place to crash for a few days. Don’t wanna talk about it.”
“You and Maddox fighting?” His dad always had known him too well. “That’s a first.”
“He’s leaving the service.” Ben settled down right there on the parquet entryway floor. Maybe it was the fact that he’d downed more of that bottle than he’d kept track of, maybe it was that his dad was thousands of miles away, maybe it was leftover adrenaline from dealing with the officers, but the tears that had been threatening finally spilled over. “He’s going to take all his sick leave and personal and then process out.”
“Good for him.” His dad sounded surprisingly emphatic. “He hasn’t been happy in the service for some time now, right?”
“He’s not unhappy!” Ben refused to entertain that possibility. “He’s the best damn operator I know.”
“Being the best at something doesn’t mean you’re happy doing it.” His dad’s voice was gentle. “Look at your mother—”
“Let’s not,” Ben barked. “I don’t need my head shrunk. I just need a place to hang out a bit.”
“You’ve got it. Long as you need a place to stay. You know that. But don’t be an idiot here. You don’t kill a friendship just because you want different things.”
“Suppose you’re talking about her again.” Ben’s voice was more bitter than the liquor he’d been swilling. “I don’t need advice.”
“Of course not.” He could practically hear his dad’s eyes rolling. “Ben—”
“No. Advice.” Then because Ben couldn’t bring himself to hang up on his dad, he softened his voice. “Love you, but I need to go. Need to deal with this on my own.”
“I’m sure you will.” His dad’s voice was all resigned now. “Be safe, son.”
Ben let the phone tumble to his lap as they hung up. Safe. Hell, he wasn’t ever going to feel safe again. Safe was Maddox next to him on a mission. Safe was napping in the big easy chair at Maddox’s apartment on a Sunday afternoon while Maddox cooked. Safe was the way Maddox looked at him in bed, like Ben was all he’d ever need. But that look, it was a lie. He needed more than Ben could offer.