On Point (Out of Uniform 3)

“You’ve got a girl?” Ben asked if only to prove to himself that he wasn’t a complete asshole.

“I do. Julie. We’re getting married next summer at her granddaddy’s farm.”

“You’re getting married?” Ben almost lost his footing. “You’re still a kid.”

“I’m a SEAL. Same as you.” Even with the goggles on, McGinnis still managed a killer glare. “And twenty’s not so young when you’re in love.”

Oh to be young and stupid. Ben sighed. Twenty felt like a century ago. And no way in hell had he been ready to be married at twenty. Shit, he wasn’t ready now. “Not unless we got married or did something stupid.” Even Maddox had to know what a ludicrous—

Wait. Did Maddox want to marry him? Like him, not some faceless dude he dreamed about in his pretty little fantasies? But him? Did Maddox really want that with him? And had Ben stomped all over that in his upset about Maddox not re-upping?

Fuck. I really am an ass.

He hadn’t realized he’d spoken aloud until McGinnis laughed. “Yeah, you kind of are.”

Then Ben was laughing too, and for the first time in what felt like forever, it didn’t feel like his chest was going to cave in from the action. He might be a colossal dumbass with no clue how to fix the mess he’d made of his whole damn life, but he could still laugh. It was a start.

* * *

Ben needed a beer. Stat. Another week down. Long hours training and trying to push Maddox from his head had rendered him unfit for human company. Again.

“Ben! Wait up!” Zack’s voice rang across the parking lot, and Ben slowed his steps so his friend could catch up, even though a big part of him wanted to pretend he hadn’t heard.

Zack’s SEAL team was just back from the same night vision training that Ben’s team had done a few weeks back, and the guy looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

“Haven’t seen you in forever.” Zack gave him a tired grin as he jogged up to Ben’s side. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Ben sighed. Zack’s concerned tone meant that he knew at least something of what had gone down with Maddox, and that was the main reason Ben hadn’t been in contact with his friends. He didn’t need any lectures about his behavior. He did a fine enough job beating himself up, thank you very much.

“Liar.”

“Shoulder’s getting stronger. I’m back at training. Can’t complain.” Ben steered the conversation away from treacherous subjects.

“Heard you’re moving back into the barracks.” Zack clearly wasn’t picking up on the wall Ben was erecting around off-limits topics. “You sure that’s what you want?”

“I can’t keep freeloading at my dad’s place, and the commute is a bitch.” Ben leaned against his car. “It’s for the best, really.”

“Doubt that.” Zack might be younger and slighter than Ben, but he was plenty authoritative when he wanted to be.

“Look, it’s Friday night, and I’ve got a beer with my name on it somewhere. You want to harass me further or you want to go grab a cold one with me?” He’d kept his promise to the LT about not being hungover anymore, but that didn’t mean he was giving up drinking completely. He needed it after a week of spending every night staring at his phone, willing words to come that would make everything okay, and being unable to make his finger dial.

Despite Zack’s irritating ability to home in on the subjects Ben least wanted to talk about, Ben was in no hurry to get to his dad and Camilla’s place, where the combination of their newlywed bliss and careful concern over him combined to smother him.

“Can’t.” Zack’s mouth quirked and his eyes flickered like he was thinking hard about what to say next. “Look, I probably shouldn’t tell you this—”

“Then don’t.” Last thing Ben needed was more bad news.

“Don’t be an asshole.” Zack shook his head as if he hadn’t expected anything more from him. “All of us are headed to a work party at Maddox’s new bakery. His financing came through and we’re celebrating by helping him get started on the renovation. You should come. There’ll be crowbars.”

“No, I shouldn’t.” Ben unlocked his car, not sure how much more of this he could take. He’d known Maddox would move on, of course. He had a future to plan, after all. Dreams to go after and all that. But it still stung, struggling through missing Maddox each day he was on duty and knowing that Maddox was too busy moving on from the teams to do the same.

“You know he’d have invited you himself if you’d shown the slightest interest. Why not pretend to be happy for him?”

Oh it was so tempting to tell Zack everything, confess that this wasn’t just about friendship. But if Maddox hadn’t shared about their relationship, Ben wasn’t going to be the one to spill the beans. He owed Maddox that much at least. And man, speaking of tempting, it was nice to think he could take Zack’s suggestion. Show up. See all the friends he was avoiding. Pretend like nothing had changed between him and Maddox. Pretend like his world hadn’t imploded.