Heroic Measures (Blackbridge Security 6)

He’s different from the other shy guys I’ve hooked up with.

He’s sneaky, somehow burrowing a hole inside of me so that I feel his presence long after I leave.

My skin is itchy, irritated just below the surface, a prickling rawness that no amount of scratching will ever relieve.

There’s an urgency to my steps as I cross the lobby of my apartment building, and I can’t seem to keep my feet still on the elevator. Once I’m inside my apartment, I arrow to the bedroom, pulling a suitcase from the closet and packing it. Escape is the only thing on my mind, and I can’t seem to move fast enough.

If I stay longer, if I wait, I know the man will come back or as my luck has been going today, I’ll run into Jude.

He wanted me gone, no longer wanted to play a part in the fun we were having, but then he pressed his erection against me right in front of my best friend. He said dirty things that set my blood on fire, if the heat ever left it to begin with in the hours since I last saw him.

His body still wants me and knowing it’s his head that his cock is fighting against makes me want to move even faster. Attraction I can deal with. Minor obsession when sex is really good isn’t something I’m a stranger to. Men think with their cocks. The only saving grace is that despite some obsession, men have options. They can get just as attached to another woman and what she’s willing to do for him just as easily, so the delusion that I’m the only one who can meet those needs fades quickly.

When the head is involved is when things get out of control.

I told him from the beginning that virgins get clingy. They only know the person they had those experiences with and nothing else. They have no other memories to fall back on, no reminders that there are other willing women to fulfill those desires.

And that may be part of the case where Jude is concerned, but instead of walking toward the mania he’s probably feeling, he’s fighting it. That spells nothing but trouble. That is a red flag that the man may actually be someone worth knowing, that he isn’t ruled by his erection, that he is trying to make the best decision for himself despite what his body wants.

I can’t think like that. I can’t open myself up to the possibility that he’s not like every other man I’ve come in contact with, that he’s not just looking for a good time.

He. Likes. Me.

I fall onto my bed, head in my hands.

Liked. Me.

There’s no way he feels that way now, and if he’s fighting it, maybe it’s for the best. We’d both just end up disappointed. Him more than me because I have no staying power. I can’t commit. I won’t. Seeing what happened to my mom, her years-long deterioration after getting the final boot from my father was enough to keep me single and heartless for an eternity. Knowing she was willing to give me up, give me away just to keep him, as if I was the reason he wouldn’t stick around, has kept me from even thinking about kids in fear that her problems were hereditary. I’d like to think I’d never do something like that to a child I birthed, but who knows. Maybe shitty parenting is genetic. I’m not willing to take the chance.

I spring up from the bed, my exhaustion making me manic. I finish packing, making sure I have what I need, and order an Uber on my way down to the lobby.

I have no idea where I’m going other than to the airport, and I’m not going to waste money on parking. The car arrives quickly, a guy named Peter nodding at me when I climb inside. Thankfully, he doesn’t try to make small talk on the way to the airport.

Once I’m at the ticket counter, I purchase a one-way ticket to the destination leaving the soonest, and as I walk through security, I can’t help but wonder if I packed what I’ll need for a trip to Texas.

It doesn’t matter. Staying here isn’t an option. I fought the urge to tell the Uber driver to take me back to the Blackbridge office, and it wasn’t so I could talk to Deacon Black about needing help. I wanted to see Jude. I wanted to make him answer a million questions.

I feel like I would cave. I’d risk losing everything to have his arms around me, to tell me that I’m safe, and that he’d never let anyone hurt me. Other people can find that kind of affection and dedication, but I never will. My fleeting hopes are just a fantasy. I’m not worthy of that. I was born in secrecy to parents who didn’t want me, a father who has never met me, and my life has been funded with hush money.