It wasn’t just his broken mind I had to repair.
It was the fact that even in this hellish place with rapists and abusers, he’d learned the cost of love. Yet he’d only felt the weight of obligation instead of the freedom of being loved in return.
I would always be a threat to him. Never a cure.
I would always tempt him and remind him of what falling in love demanded.
Pain.
Unsurmountable pain that no one should ever have to endure.
Tears tracked down my cheeks as I choked on the overwhelming pressure inside me. I was bruised with it, trembling and shaking, hurting right to my bones.
I didn’t know what to do anymore.
I wanted to tell him I loved him even though he could never love me in return.
I loved him despite the hurt that would come from it.
I loved him regardless of the hurt I felt right now, the pain that crushed me into dust and scattered me in every corner of this godforsaken valley.
I loved him.
But I didn’t think it would give him peace of mind to know that.
Not now.
Especially not now.
“Kas, I—” I swiped at my tears, doing my best to stop my agony. But it wasn’t just my agony that bled me dry. It was also his. God, I felt for him. I cried for him. I ached for him. I wanted to pull him close and tell him I would never hurt him like those monsters had. That he could fall for me and not be afraid that he’d have to die in order to protect me.
Loving me would be gift enough.
Caring for me and finding happiness in my arms would’ve given my entire life purpose. It would’ve fulfilled my destiny. Completed fate and all the other star-crossed prophecies that’d led me to trespass in his valley.
I’d hoped we’d turned a corner last night.
But we hadn’t.
Instead, we’d just run headfirst into a brick wall that’d broken both of us.
Backing away, I nodded, accepting what he’d told me, needing some space, some time, some self-reflection on how I could possibly have the strength to repeat this entire thing again.
He held up his palms in surrender, discomfort rippling down his back from the awkward silence that’d descended. “Look, I’m sorry for exploding like that—”
“I-I’m not feeling well.” I forced myself to make eye contact, bracing myself against the swirling torment in his stare. “I need...I need to be alone for a while.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m...” I sighed, not knowing how to tell him I needed space before my heart popped like a balloon and I wilted to the floor with nothing but dead dreams in my hands. “I’ll come find you in a bit, okay?”
“No, not okay.” He frowned. “I said I was sorry. I didn’t mean to say what I did. I told you I wouldn’t be responsible if you kept pushing me. Let’s just forget what happened, okay?” He sighed. “I don’t like fighting with you. And I...I don’t want you to go.”
Starbursts exploded in my stomach. I wanted so much to read into that sentence. To pick it apart and reorder the words to deliver what I wanted to hear.
I was wrong.
Last night was incredible, and I do remember it. I remember every wonderful detail.
Instead of asking him why he didn’t want me to go, I shrugged again.
I didn’t have the strength to hear whatever answer he’d give me.
Hopefully by this afternoon, my heart wouldn’t be so bruised, and my bones wouldn’t be so brittle. I could firmly put on a mask that hid my true feelings and figure out our new normal.
His eyes burned into mine. Still full of shadows. Still buried beneath trauma. It would be so easy to cup his cheek and kiss him. To seek that electricity of last night.
But I was done.
Overwhelmed.
I had to come to terms with the fact there was no permanent progress with Kas. There would only be setbacks and fuck-ups and a stupid, stupid hope that would slowly chip away into nothing.
I moved toward him, skirting past with a weary smile. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
His hand lashed out, locking around my wrist. “Don’t go.”
I glanced at his fingers.
My skin heated beneath his touch.
And it hurt all over again.
It hurt so much I needed to run, to hide, just until I was strong enough. “Let me go.” I blinked back my sadness. “Please...let me go.”
Something in my tone must’ve terrified him because his fingers snapped open, and he dropped his broken arm with a hiss.
“Don’t follow me.” I shrugged, not knowing if that was what I really wanted or not.
His eyes flared, locking onto my shoulders.
Something tingled in the air between us.
I didn’t have the strength to acknowledge it. I stepped toward the door, then paused in the threshold. “I’ll come find you...when I’m ready.”
I left before he could command me otherwise.