Strong Enough

“But Maxim, I didn’t want to like it. It only causes problems for me.” Sighing heavily, he leaned back against the dresser, his shoulders slumped. “I meant what I said this morning. I’ve never been with a guy before you. But I’ve…thought about it. I’ve wanted to know what it would be like.”

“And now that you know?”

“My head is even more fucked up. If I hadn’t come in here, the not-knowing would still be driving me insane. But now that I know, it’s almost worse.” He shook his head. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

If I’d thought it would help, I’d have gone to him. Touched him. Reassured him what we’d done was okay, that he was okay. But somehow I felt like it would be the wrong move. Instead, I chose my words carefully. “There is nothing wrong with you, Derek. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were curious, and so was I. Things happened. If you want to forget it, we can, but if you feel like you might want to see where this goes…I’d be up for that, too.”

“I don’t know what I want. I mean, I know what I want physically, at least with you, but it doesn’t gel at all with the vision I have for my life.”

“Which is what?”

“A wife and kids. I want a family.”

I nodded slowly. I wasn’t sure exactly where Derek and I could go from here, but I was sure it wouldn’t lead to a wife and kids. While I was trying to come up with something to say, he went on.

“I told you before, I was raised in a religious household. My parents…” He shook his head. “They would never understand. They would never be okay with this. I’ve never been okay with this.”

“How long have you struggled with it?”

“A long time. Maybe since I was twelve or thirteen. But I always understood it as something wrong with me. A defect or faulty wiring. Because I liked girls too.”

“Lots of people do.”

That actually caused him to crack a smile, but it disappeared fast. “Anyway, I’ve never done anything about those feelings except hate them and hide them. Pray for them to go away. But then…”

“But then?”

He looked at me with hungry eyes. “There’s just something about you.”

“I feel bad for liking that. Sort of.”

“No. Don’t feel bad.” His brow furrowed with anger. “I’m sorry. None of this is your fault, and I’m treating you as if it is.”

“You’re not,” I said, shaking my head. “Derek, you’ve been so good to me. You’ve treated me better than anyone ever has. I don’t know what I did to deserve your kindness and help, but I’m so thankful for it. I’ll never forget it.”

A tiny, sad smile appeared on his lips. “It makes me feel good to hear that.”

“It’s the truth. And I like making you feel good,” I added.

His smile widened, but it was still mournful somehow. “Do you? I feel like shit even saying all this to you. I hope you don’t think I’m judging you. My problem is only with myself.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I’ve never struggled with this like you are, probably because it was always very clear to me I wasn’t attracted to girls, but also because of where I grew up. Being openly gay in Russia is not accepted. Not like it is here.”

“I know. And I wish I was different. I wish I could be someone else, the kind of guy who doesn’t care what anyone thinks, because being with you feels so good. I just don’t know if I can. Something in me refuses to give.”

Seeing him so conflicted, wishing he could be someone else for me, was heartbreaking. “Derek, if you want me to leave, if that will make it easier for you, say the word, and I’m gone. I’ll have my savings tomorrow, and I can find a place to stay.”

He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. “Let me think about it.”

“Of course.” I thought he would say goodnight and leave then, but he kept standing there, leaning against the dresser.

“Maxim. Come here.”

Surprised, I stayed put. “What?”