I closed my eyes, sinking fast. “Heaven. It was like heaven.”
“Derek, I—”
But I didn’t let him finish. I couldn’t. Instead I pulled him to me and crushed my mouth to his, clinging to him as if he could save me from the bottomless depths of my feelings. Somehow we made it into the room, where we pulled and shoved at clothing with fumbling hands, reluctant to break the kiss.
We fell upon the bed, twisted up in each other that way I loved, that made me feel so close to him, so completely understood. I wanted every part of him, wanted to climb inside his mind, get lost beneath his skin, reside in the hidden spaces between muscle and bone. And I wanted him inside me, wanted him to fill my body with his own, wanted to surrender to him in a way I’d never done before.
I groped blindly for the lube on the nightstand behind me, and he leaned over me to grab it. “Here,” he said, breathing hard as he handed it to me.
I gave it back. “No—you this time.”
He paused. “You want that?”
“Yes,” I said, reaching between us to take his cock in my hand. Fuck. He was big and thick and hard, and it was going to hurt. But I wanted it to. I wanted to suffer for him. My pain would be an unspoken gift, something honest I could offer up to him in place of the truths I couldn’t utter, the promises I couldn’t bring myself to make. “Please.”
He kissed me hard, turning me onto my back, pinning me beneath him. His voice was low in my ear. “I want to make this so good for you.”
Fear and excitement rattled my spine.
He snaked down my body so he knelt between my thighs, pushing them apart. Bending my knees, feet flat on the bed, I closed my eyes and braced for an unfamiliar intrusion, but he took my cock into his mouth instead. I groaned as his tongue swept over my crown, my body eager and trembling. His mouth was hot and wet and tight and fuck, he took me so deep. At the same time, he slipped his lube-slick fingers between my legs, massaging and circling and teasing and oh fuck—
“Maxim.” A warning.
He released my cock from his lips and licked a line up my abdomen. “Shhh. Trust me.”
I did trust him. But a few minutes later, as he eased one warm, slick finger—and then another—inside me, I wondered if I’d overestimated both my tolerance for discomfort and my ability to handle the psychological difficulty of letting another man breach my body this way. My mind kept trying to run away from it, telling me I wasn’t like that.
I was. I was like that. And I wanted it, but Christ. Christ.
The feeling was strange to me. Foreign. Tight. I willed my body to yield, but my brain was getting mixed signals. One moment, my ass was involuntarily contracting around his fingers, pulling them in like I wanted more, and the next I was terrified I was going to embarrass myself because I felt like I had to pee.
Alarms began to sound.
I don’t have control of my body.
I started to panic, my hands fisting in the sheets, my legs shaking.
“Breathe,” he whispered, his lips hovering over mine. “Slow and deep.”
I inhaled and exhaled, consciously trying to relax all of my muscles. Eventually, I felt the tension start to give. The burn start to fade. Pleasure start to murmur deep within.
My hips began to move.
“That’s it, baby.”
Fuck. I love when he says that to me.
He kissed his way down my chest, and it was while his tongue was stroking my nipple that something he was doing with his fingers made my entire body start to tingle. A moan escaped me as the sensation slowly but surely intensified. I wanted more, but I couldn’t speak.
He added a third finger.
Something is happening to me.
It felt like an orgasm building, but its point of origin wasn’t my cock. He wasn’t even touching me there. It was deeper, slower, a gradual tightening inside me that sent electric pulses shooting through my entire body, as if my circuitry was being rewired, my body transformed for him.
He took his fingers from me, and immediately I wanted them back. I watched as he put on a condom and covered himself in lube. He’d never looked so beautiful or so fearsome to me. I’d never felt so powerless and vulnerable. My insides quaked as he hooked his arms beneath my thighs and pulled me closer. Pushed my legs farther apart. Positioned the head of his cock.
His eyes closed as he slid inside me in a long, slow, exquisite plunge. I breathed through the stretch and burn of it, glad for the way it hurt, for the way his body would change mine.