Strong Enough

“You don’t understand how hard this is for me,” he said through clenched teeth. “It’s not about you.”

“Is that what you think?” I moved a step closer. I wanted him to see my face. “I’ve never felt like I was good enough for you. This feels like you’re agreeing with me. And that hurts.”

“It’s not that at all!” he burst out. “You’re everything to me. And the way you make me feel—no one has ever, ever made me feel those things before. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”

“But you’re willing to give that up?”

“No! That’s why I’m asking you to stay.” He grabbed my head and sealed his mouth over mine, and the temptation to say fuck it, I’ll stay for this feeling nearly overwhelmed me. He pulled back a little. “Please don’t leave. You’re the only one who understands me.”

I hesitated, feeling like I was being ripped in two. “Then that should be worth something more than this.” Gently, I pushed his arms down and walked out of the room.

He didn’t come after me.

Upstairs, I got into bed, wishing I didn’t have to sleep here. It would be hard knowing Derek was right across the hall and hurting, especially when I knew I could take away the pain. But that would only be on the surface. Deep down, he’d never be at peace with himself if he didn’t live the way he felt. If I gave in, if I stayed, he’d only keep putting that off. He’d never let me love him the way I wanted to. He’d never really let me in, even if he loved me too.

Then he would leave me.

No. It would be foolish to stay. I had to walk away, for both of us. My only hope was that he’d miss what we had enough to change the way he thought. If he didn’t, I’d have to deal with the loss and move on.

But at least I’d have given us a real chance.

After a sleepless night, I waited until I heard Derek leave for work, then I packed up my meager belongings and ordered an Uber. I left the clothing he’d loaned me folded on the stripped guest room bed, his old laptop on the kitchen table, and the house key he’d given me on the counter next to a note.

Thank you for everything. I will always be grateful.

Maxim

My head felt cloudy from the lack of sleep, but I didn’t want to make coffee in his kitchen. I would get some breakfast somewhere eventually. Right now, I just wanted to leave. The memories were getting to me.

Right there is where he kissed me for the first time.

Right there is where I dropped to my knees.

Right there is the door he knocked on in the middle of the night.

Right there is where we argued and tumbled to the ground.

Right there is where he first tasted me.

Right there is where he said I want to fuck you.

Right there is where he asked me to stay the night in his bed.

Right there is where he left me a note that said you’re cute when you’re sleeping.

And right there…right there is where he stood when I walked away.

I went out to wait on the front porch, too restless and upset to stay inside, pulling the door shut behind me. It locked with a heartless click, and that was that.

Thirty-Three

DEREK

I didn’t sleep at all.

All night I lay there, my body still sore, my mind a jumble of anger and frustration and hurt, my heart splintered into bits.

He said no. He was leaving. He didn’t want me enough to stay.