“It’s okay. There’s nothing either of us can do. It’s Derek’s choice.”
“Maybe he’ll still make the right one,” she said hopefully.
“I don’t know. I think his beliefs are too deeply ingrained. And please don’t say anything to him.” Suddenly I remembered what Derek had said about her inability to keep a secret.
“I won’t,” she assured me. “Even if he comes to me, I won’t tell him we talked. You’re safe.”
“Thank you. And thanks for listening.”
“Thank you for trusting me.” She tipped her head onto my shoulder. “I’ll be praying for you. To the gods, the goddesses, the universe, and anyone else who will listen.”
I laughed a little, but deep in my heart, I felt it was hopeless. The longer we went without talking, the more convinced I became that Derek had been able to move on.
“Have you seen him?” I asked, trying not to sound too emotional.
“No, I haven’t.” She picked up her head and looked at me. “I think he’s holed up at home, alone and miserable. He hasn’t even called me.”
It only made me feel worse.
Thirty-Five
DEREK
I wasn’t sleeping. I barely ate. I skipped the gym practically every other day. I had no energy, and everything depressed me.
My house was too quiet. My bed too empty. My life too lonely.
What was he thinking? How was he doing? Was he working a lot? Did he like his new apartment? Did he miss me at night the way I missed him?
After ten days of this torture, I found myself talking to strangers at the grocery store just for human connection. I knew I could have called Gage or Ellen, but I didn’t trust myself not to blurt the truth and melt into a pathetic puddle of shame and humiliation for what I’d done.
Finally, I broke down and went into The Blind Pig on my way home from work one Friday night. I hadn’t seen Maxim in almost two weeks, and my hands shook as I pushed open the door. Had it really only been a month since I’d come in here to pick him up? So much had changed since then. I wasn’t the same person at all.
So why are you trying to act like it?
I pushed the voice aside and walked to the bar, careful to appear cool and casual. I didn’t look around for him until I’d ordered a beer and counted to twenty. Then I let myself glance around, as if I wanted to see what was new here.
He was wiping down a high-top table behind me, and I couldn’t tell if he’d seen me yet. I whipped my head around and focused on my beer again. My heart thundered in my chest, and I felt short of breath.
“Hey, stranger.” Ellen appeared behind the bar and grinned at me. “Haven’t seen you in forever. Been busy?”
“Yeah.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Work stuff. Lots of work stuff
.”
“Dad running you ragged?”
“Something like that.” I dragged on the beer bottle, sucking it down.
“Well, it’s good to see you. Can I get you something to eat?”
I wasn’t hungry in the slightest, but it would give me a reason to sit there. “Sure. Bring me whatever.”
She sighed. “One whatever, coming right up.”
As soon as she disappeared behind the kitchen door, I looked for Maxim again, but he wasn’t behind me anymore. Scanning the room again, I found him in a far corner, loading empty glasses onto a tray. When he brought them behind the bar, he spotted me.
I smiled before I could help myself. My throat was dry. My chest was tight. He’d gotten a haircut, and it looked fantastic. And those eyes—how could I have forgotten how blue they were? His hands, fuck I missed his hands. I missed everything.