Strong Enough

“So have a family. Be a father.”

She sounded like Gage, like it was so easy. “I don’t know if I could do that to my kids. Raise them in such a—”

“Loving home? Look, even if Maxim isn’t the one, there is no reason why you can’t have children. You’d be a great dad, Derek.” She reached out and touched my arm again. “You’re going to be a great dad. You could do it on your own. You’re a caretaker. You’re kind and sensitive and strong.”

“I’m not.” I shook my head. “I’m not strong at all. Maxim’s the strong one. He told me he loved me, but he had to walk away if I wouldn’t come out about us.”

She bit her lip. “Do you love him?”

I nodded, my throat going tight.

“Then you know what to do. Trust me,

Derek. This doesn’t happen every day. When you feel that for someone, you grab onto it. And you don’t let go.”

Swallowing hard, I shoved a bite of breakfast in my mouth. I wanted to do what she said. But I wasn’t there yet.

Another week went by, during which I went over and over what Carolyn had said. What Maxim had said. What I felt in my heart. What I wanted for the future. I’d thought I would feel better, more righteous as time went on, but I didn’t. All I felt was sad and confused and sorry and lonely—so, so lonely.

I couldn’t go on like this. I either had to fucking be a man and get over it, or be a man and own up to it.

Around five P.M., I got a text from Gage. Hey, just a reminder about Will’s 6th bday party on Sunday. 3:00.

I texted him back. Sounds good. You free for a beer tonight?

He replied after ten minutes. The ball and chain shall release me for two hours between seven and nine. Does that work?

I replied that it did and we made plans to meet. My stomach was not okay, and my brain said this was crazy, but for once, I felt like maybe I’d breathe easier tonight when I tried to sleep.

I’d come to a decision.

Thirty-Six

DEREK

“So I have to tell you something.” I wasn’t in the mood to put it off. I’d waited until our beers arrived, and that was long enough.

“Okay.” Gage looked at me a little funny.

“I’m in love with someone.”

His jaw dropped. “Seriously? That’s great, man. Who is she?”

I shook my head, closed my eyes, and braced myself. When I opened them again, I spoke the truth. “It’s not a she, it’s a he. It’s Maxim.”

I’d thought it would nauseate me. I’d thought it would feel wrong. I’d thought it would be the hardest thing I’d ever done. But it wasn’t. Actually, the truth had skated pretty easily off my tongue.

Gage squinted at me like he might have heard wrong, mouth agape. “What?”

“It’s Maxim,” I said, my confidence growing. Fuck, this felt good. How had I not guessed how good this would feel? “I’m in love with Maxim.”

“Goddammit!” He closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. “Do you know what this means? I lost the bet.”

“The bet?”

“Yeah.” Gage took a long swallow of his beer. “Lanie bet me after that night at your house, when we all had dinner, that you guys had a thing. I didn’t see it at all.”

I blinked in surprise. “Fuck. Really? Carolyn said the same thing.”