“I do understand that.”
He nodded, his eyes growing a little warmer. “I know you do. And there are a lot more things we have in common. We both value our families. We’ve known what it’s like to lose someone we love. Neither of us give a flip about climbing social ladders or trying to impress anyone by wearing the right clothes or driving the right car or living in the right neighborhood. That isn’t what motivates us. It isn’t how we define success.”
“No,” she admitted. “I’ve never cared about stuff like that.”
“Neither have I. It was one of the things that exasperated Heather most about me,” he added conversationally. “Not that she was a snob or anything, but she liked being in the top social circles. She wanted me to pursue the best residencies and appointments.
“She’d hoped that I’d be named chief of staff of some prestigious hospital, which was never a serious goal of mine. She wouldn’t have been content to settle here, living in a modest house while I worked as a partner in a small-town pediatric clinic. She would have considered it her duty to push me into more, for what she considered my own best interests.”
Nic was startled by his revelation. She couldn’t see him ever being happy in some big, fiercely competitive, social-climbing setting. Had Heather really thought he would like that? Or had he changed so much during the past few years?
“Don’t get me wrong, Heather had a heart as big as the sky. She was an excellent therapist who cared a great deal about her clients. But she liked the good life and had a weakness for expensive clothes and jewelry. She’d have reveled in an exclusive country-club environment—an
d I’d have gone along to make her happy. But I’m happy here with my small clinic and my regular patients.”
“I can’t imagine you being anywhere else.”
He smiled. “That’s because you’ve come to know me very well, Nic. You wouldn’t try to change me—which makes what I tried to do to you even less forgivable.”
“I didn’t think I could compete with Heather’s memory,” she whispered.
“You never have to try. I loved Heather, but she wasn’t perfect. I don’t think she would want me to put her memory on some untouchable pedestal. That would make her less than she really was—a bright, special, unique woman with very human strengths and weaknesses.”
Nic bit her lower lip, unsure what to say next.
Joel took a step closer to her. “I spent some time recently looking at those pictures in my mother’s hallway. And I realized that too many people, including me, maybe, had gotten into the habit of thinking my whole life was captured in those photographs. They haven’t taken into account all the things I’ve accomplished during the past five and a half years since Heather died. Finishing my residency, starting the clinic, buying a house, making new friends. Building a new life for myself.
“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone with old memories, Nic. And I’m not looking to recreate what I once had. I’m ready for a new start. A new future. And I’d like to build that future with you, if I haven’t destroyed all chance of that by being such a jerk. Have I?”
“I’m not going to quit my job,” she warned, still half-afraid to hope. “I’ll work toward promotions and new assignments because I’ve always had ambitions in my field, but I will perform my duties as they occur, even if that occasionally puts me at risk.”
He might have paled just a little, but he nodded. “I can live with that. I’m not saying I’ll ever stop worrying about you, but I can deal with my fears as long as I know you’re taking reasonable precautions.”
“I don’t have a death wish, Joel. I’m not as reckless as you’ve implied. But maybe I’ve taken a little less care than I should have in the past. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my work, I’ll try to be a little more cautious in the future. Maybe I’ll stop tackling in flag football.”
“That’s a start,” he said with a smile. “Does this mean you’re willing to give it another try?”
“I’m not sure I have much choice,” she answered quietly. “I’m in love with you, too.”
“Nic—”
He reached for her, but she evaded him, holding up one unsteady hand. “You hurt me,” she said sternly, giving him a warning glare. “If you do it again, I’ll kick your butt all the way back to Birmingham.”
Joel laughed and tugged her into his arms. “I believe you. And if I ever find out that you’ve risked your life unnecessarily, I’ll kick yours to Tulsa.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck, beginning to smile for the first time since she had opened the door to him. “All of a sudden you’re a tough guy, huh?”
He grinned down at her. “I guess you’re corrupting me.”
She grew serious again for a moment. She had a few more admissions to make. “It wasn’t all your fault, Joel. I didn’t fight hard enough for us. I accused you of being resigned to failure, when the truth was that I never expected us to last. I let myself be too influenced by other people’s opinions. Maybe I started to believe that I wasn’t good enough for you. That I couldn’t measure up. And you weren’t the only one who was a coward. I was afraid to show you how much I cared. How much I wanted to make it work between us. I won’t let that happen again.”
“We both made mistakes, Nic. Since neither of us is perfect, I’m sure we’ll make more. But we’ll get it right this time. It turns out we’re both willing to fight for what we want when it matters this much.”
She still found it hard to believe that Joel had worried that he wasn’t good enough for her. That it was he who didn’t measure up. Maybe it would take a while for both of them to be reassured that they could really make this work. But she was willing to give it all the time they needed, she thought, lifting her mouth to Joel’s. As long as they loved each other, she couldn’t imagine any obstacle they couldn’t overcome.
They had both lived through some dark days in their lives, she thought, closing her eyes and losing herself in his embrace. But she predicted sunny days ahead.
Joel loved her and she loved him. What more could she possibly ask?