Broken

It’s over.

I’m free.

My body starts to tremble and I lie back in the bathtub, closing my eyes. A rush of peace, contentment, washes over my dying body, cleansing my soul as I drift into the serene darkness, embracing the shadow for the first time in my life.

Forgive me.

Chapter Eleven

~Theo~

Kneeling in front of his grave, I place my hand on the cool stone. “I miss you,” I whisper, hoping somehow he can hear me. It never gets easier. Somehow, grief becomes a routine part of life. It never leaves, you simply learn to live around it.

Looking around, my heart feels heavy seeing so many abandoned, moss-covered headstones. Where are their families? Tom and I have taken it in turns to visit our dad, every fortnight since the day he was buried. We bring flowers, we talk to him, and once a month we’ll bring a sponge and bottle of bleach to clean away any dirt nature has blown onto his stone.

“What are you doing here?” Tom’s voice doesn’t startle me. I heard his footsteps crunching the gravel as he approached.

“Do you ever just…miss him more some days?”

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

“I keep remembering his saying lately – what’s meant to be won’t pass you by. How do you know what’s meant to be?”

“You don’t,” Tom says, shrugging. “I think it just means you’re supposed to find solace in the fact everything is already planned out for you.”

Hmm. I’m not sure I like that answer. I need to know what I’m facing in the future. “Thanks for coming.” My car jittered and growled all the way here, finally cutting out just before I reached the car park. Unreliable heap of shit. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“That’s always my aim.”

Right. Doctor joke. Usually, I’d smile, but not today. Today, I have a knot in my stomach worrying about James, Mike’s being an even bigger prick than usual, and now my car is fucked. Again.

“You need a new car.”

“Gee, thanks, King of the Bleeding Obvious. I can’t afford one.”

“You need to write faster then. You haven’t released anything this year.”

“It’s not…wait, how do you know that?”

“I’m your brother. I take an interest in your work.”

Bullshit.

“That and Jennifer is obsessed with you.”

“She’s read my books?” I don’t know if that makes me happy or terrified.

“Hell yeah. I mentioned it once. Next thing I know she’s read all three and has banged on about them so much I feel like I know the stories better than you.”

“Wow, I…uh…” I’m speechless, and quietly proud.

“So what’s wrong? I know there’s something, otherwise I’d have told you to get the damn bus. I was sleeping. I’m on a night-shift tonight.”

Sighing, I say a silent goodbye to my dad and jump to my feet, accompanying Tom to his car. “I’m worried about James.” I haven’t got the time to beat around the bush. If I’m late back from my lunch hour, Mike will rip me a new arsehole. “He had some kind of meltdown yesterday, smashed up the kitchen.”

Max has talked about this side of James before, but it always felt like he was referring to a stranger.

“He’s not been right for a few weeks. Not eating properly, sleeping in too late to shave before work. Doesn’t sound much, but it’s not…him. Says he’s fine but…”

“You don’t believe him?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “This is what I’ve been worrying about, that I won’t see the signs, know when he’s struggling, or even if I’m reading too much into it.”

We reach his car and I slip into the passenger seat. Tom joins me, fixes his seatbelt and starts the engine. “Have you talked to his brother about it?” he asks, pulling out of the car park.

“Not yet, but if James doesn’t make an appointment with his GP today like he said he will, I might have to. It just feels, I don’t know, like I’m betraying him or something, sneaking behind his back.”

“T, you know that’s not true. It’s what James himself told you to do if you were worried. His brother…Mark?”

“Max.”

“Max has known James, known his illness, longer than you. I’m sure he’ll be able to put your mind at ease, or at least know what to do, how to handle things.”

“Wait,” I say, raising my hand. “Pull over here.”

He does as I ask before looking to me for an explanation.

“I need to nip in the chemist. James spilled boiling water on his hand this morning.”

“By accident?”

“Yeah. I’m going to see-” Hold on. It was an accident, right? That’s what he said and I’ve no reason not to believe him. Except, suddenly, I don’t know if I do. “I, um, I’m going to see if they have any cream or anything. It blistered instantly.”

“No, no, don’t put anything on it. Sounds like a partial thickness burn. He should get it checked out.”

“He won’t.” Because he’s a stubborn arsehole.

“Want me to take a look? Either way, definitely don’t put anything on it. If the blisters burst, he can apply a sterile dressing, but nothing else.”

“Right. I’ll buy some dressings then.”

“I have some in the boot. Take some of those.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Where to next?”

I check my watch and note that I’m due back at work in twenty minutes. Shit. “There’s a KFC on the way to James’.” I’m not hungry but I want to make sure he eats something. Mike will just have to wait. Fuck the consequences. “I’m not sure he’ll bother cooking for himself right now.”

“You really need to talk to his brother,” Tom reiterates, setting off again towards Spinningfields.

“Maybe you can, I dunno, assess him while you’re checking his hand?”

Tom sighs, then clicks his tongue. “I can give you a general impression, but it isn’t my field. Regardless of that, I don’t really know him well enough to make an informed opinion.”

“Sure. I’d appreciate your input anyway.”

“Look, don’t get mad…”

My fingers grip my knee a little tighter. I know what’s coming.

“You’ve only been with him a few months. Are you sure it wouldn’t be best to just…walk away? You need to think of your own wellbeing too, and, well, maybe he’s not ready for something so serious right now. Sounds like he’s got some issues he needs to deal with.”