Broken

I walk out of the ICU with my gaze locked onto my feet. I left a piece of me behind with James and all I can do is pray he holds onto it. If he doesn’t, I fear that part of me will be gone forever.

Max and I exchange quick goodbyes when we reach Tom and then I follow my brother to his car.

“You okay?” Tom asks, fixing his seatbelt.

“What part of today makes you think I’d be fucking okay, Tom?” I bark, relenting immediately. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

Putting my seatbelt on, I realise I haven’t seen James’ mother yet. “Did James’ mum visit? Did I sleep through it?”

“No. She can’t face it just yet apparently.”

Selfish bitch. “He’s her fucking son.”

I hate her. Maybe if she’d given a shit when James was a kid, got him some help, supported him, he wouldn’t be fighting for his life right now.

“Do I know everything?” I question. Confusion forces Tom’s eyebrows together, silently asking me to elaborate. “I know doctors gloss over details. You’d tell me if he wasn’t going to make it, wouldn’t you?”

“Theo, when they told you it was too early to give a prognosis they meant it. They’re not hiding anything from you.”

“So the surgery went well? I saw you talking to that doctor.”

“Jason, Dr Garcia, is a friend of mine. James couldn’t be in better hands. His heart stopped again during the surgery, but they got him back and gave him the best chance to fight this.”

“He will. He’ll fight.” He has to.

“Theo…you know that’s just the first step, right? Even if…when, he wakes up, his mind is going to take a lot longer to heal.”

“I know that. I’ll drag him to the GP surgery by his ear if I have to.”

“James won’t be going straight home, T. He’ll be taken to a psychiatric unit.”

“You mean…like sectioned? He’s not a basketcase for Christ’s sake.”

“He’s mentally ill, Theo. His mind is in a bad place. The likelihood is he’s going to be disappointed he didn’t succeed and if he’s released he could try again. He needs specialist help, and you need to prepare yourself for the fact it could take a long time.”

Disappointed? Try again? “No.” I shake my head. “It was a mistake. When he wakes up he’ll realise that. He just wants help. It was a flash of despair. Maybe he’d been drinking and didn’t know what he was doing.”

“There was no alcohol in his system.”

“He wants to get better. I know he does,” I carry on, ignoring Tom.

“This isn’t about you, Theo.”

“I know that!” I yell. “Do you think I’m that self ab-fucking-sorbed?”

Tom sighs, his lips melting into a concerned frown. “What I mean is this has nothing to do with his feelings for you. This isn’t because he doesn’t care about you, or because he thinks you don’t care about him. You haven’t caused this.”

“I-I know that.” The words don’t sound as convincing as I’d hoped when they leave my lips.

“You need some rest. Do you want to stay at mine tonight?”

“No, I, uh…” I need my mum. “Can you take me to Mum’s?”

Tom pats my knee and then twists the key in the ignition. “Sure.”

Raw emotion bubbles in my chest when we pull into my mum’s driveway. I know the pressure will burst the second I see her, but she always knows how to comfort me, what to advise.

“Does she know what’s happened?”

Tom nods. “I called her while you were sleeping. I called Tess, too.”

I must call Tess as well. “Will you pick me up in the morning? I understand if you’re busy.”

“I’m working early because I missed my shift tonight, but I’ll leave the house early. I can take you home or you can ride in with me and wait in the staffroom until visiting time.”

“Thanks,” I say, opening the car door. “For everything.”

“If you need me, whatever the time, I’m only a phone call away.”

“Thanks, Tom.”

Stepping up to my mum’s front door, I fumble in my pocket for my keys, stopping when it starts to open in front of me. Standing to one side, my mum lets me in before closing the door and wrapping her arms around me, cradling my head to her shoulder.

“I’m so scared, Mum,” I whimper, letting my tears soak into her shirt.

With her flattened hand, she rubs small circles on my back. “It’s okay, baby boy. Everything’s going to be okay.”

For the next few minutes, my body shaking, all the pain, fear, guilt, and sadness pours out of me in violent sobs. I don’t move an inch, clutching my mum so tightly my fingers start to ache as I fall apart in her arms.

Stay with me, James.

**********

The next day I get Tom to take me home so I can change and update Tess. I’ve yet to speak to her and, after Tom’s call last night, she must be worried sick. Heart in my throat, I ring Max on the way. There’s been no change in James’ condition overnight and I don’t know whether that’s good or bad.

“It’s good,” Tom assures me, and I believe him because I have to.

Back in my flat, I end up crying again the moment I see Tess. Through the haze of tears I don’t notice Lucy sitting on the new sofa until I’ve relayed the last twenty-four hours to Tess. “Oh…hi,” I mumble, my gaze lingering on that damn sofa. The sight of it gives me a heavy feeling in my stomach. Maybe if I hadn’t brought it up, started the argument in James’ office, he wouldn’t have broken down, he wouldn’t have tried to k…

I can’t even think the words.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” I say, embarrassment from crying in front of someone I barely know heating my cheeks. That adds even more weight to the chain of guilt hanging from my neck. I hardly know Lucy and I should. She’s important to Tess, Tess is important to me, and I haven’t made enough effort.

How the hell did my life get to the point where I just keep screwing everything up?