Being Sawyer Knight (Souls of the Knight 1)

I felt the heat crawl down my cheeks, past my neck and down my body as the blood began to drain from my face.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“It’s okay, mate. I’m not gonna tell anyone.”

“I’m not…” I cut myself off. I was fucking exhausted. All these lies, all this worry… I was so tired of it, and like I told Elle earlier, for some bizarre reason my instincts told me I could trust this guy. “How did you know?”

“Because all your mates are out there getting pissed and having a good time. Whereas you, you’ve been sat here staring at people like you wished you could switch places with them. So I’m guessing this is all pretty new to you, even though I’m also guessing you’ve known all your life.”

“Yeah, you could say that. To be honest, Ryder-”

“Call me Ry. Most people do.”

“Well, Ry, I’m starting to piss myself off. Why the fuck does this have to be so difficult? It’s not difficult for any of those guys out there.” I gestured my hand towards the dance floor. “It’s not difficult for you. I just feel kinda pathetic.”

“Wow. Who would’ve thought Sawyer Knight – king of the music world - is a giant pussy?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, laughing. “Sounds about right.”

“Those people out there are happy because they’ve already been through and dealt with the shit you’re going through. Happens to the best of us, mate. The doubt, the shame. Not everyone obviously, but most. But those guys you see out there have accepted themselves, and you will too.”

“Yeah, I’m not too sure about that.”

“Trust me. Might take you a little longer because you’re a late starter.” He winked at me and I shook my head. The guy’s a real charmer. “Plus there’s the fact you’re a global fucking superstar… but you’ll get there. Now, the more important question is, who is he?”

“Who’s who?”

“The guy that’s turned your world upside down.”

“Someone I’ve known since I was a kid. He was my best friend.”

“Was?”

“He had to leave when we were seventeen. His dad relocated him and his family to Australia. The day before he left… he kissed me and I turned on him. Told him I never wanted to see or speak to him again. The fucked up part of that is, I pushed him away because I wanted him so damn much. I just wasn’t ready to admit it.”

“And you’re ready now?”

“You know what, Ryder? I have no fucking idea.”

“I think you’re nearly there. You wouldn’t have told me shit if you weren’t,” he shrugged. “You don’t even know me and you’ve probably just told me more about who you are than any one of your band mates. Am I right?”

“How old are you?” I asked curiously.

“Twenty-two. Why?”

“I’m probably gonna sound like an old man here but you’re pretty wise for such a young man.”

“Yeah, that happens when you have to raise yourself. That’s why I live each day to the fullest. I do what I want, when I want, because I’ve spent too much time dealing with shit when I was growing up. Could be dead tomorrow, why waste it pretending to be something your not? This is your only shot, Sawyer. Once they turn the burners on you don’t get to come back and relive it. Right now, you look fucking miserable. Yet I bet when you’re with your mystery guy you’ve never felt so fucking happy. Don’t you wanna feel like that all the time?”

“But what if it doesn’t last? What if something fucks up and I’ve lost all this, everything I’ve worked for, for nothing.”

“Now you’re just talking bollocks. You’re not gonna lose anything. Those guys over there… they’re your friends. Friends support each other. If they don’t, then you never meant anything to them in the first place. Look at who you are and what you’ve achieved. You don’t get that far in life without balls and determination. You need to stop waiting for the ‘right’ time. Trust me, there isn’t one. Take a leap, Sawyer. It’ll be the best thing you ever do. And on that note, I’m going outside for a smoke. Coming?”

“Nah. Think I’m gonna head back to the hotel actually.”

“I hope to be not too far behind you…” he trailed off, scanning the room. “With that fit piece of arse over there by the bar.”

“Well good luck with that,” I said. Ryder downed the last of his beer and stood up, pulling his smokes out of his pocket. “And thank you. I’m glad we met, twink.” I flashed him a smirk, knowing he would call me out for that remark.

“I might look like a twink, babe, but I fuck like an animal.”

Funnily enough, I didn’t doubt that for a second. After watching Ryder disappear into the sea of dancing bodies, I pulled out my phone and swiped across the screen until I hit Neil’s number.

“Hey, dude. Can you get a driver to take me back to the hotel? I’m not feeling too great.”

“Sure, Saw. No problem. I’ll send Pete over to escort you out.”

“Thanks. Catch you later.”

“Sure, man.”

“Can I come in?”

Jake answered the door to me dressed in only his jogging pants. He searched my eyes with a curious expression and I gave him a weak, apologetic smile.

“You already know the answer to that.” He stepped aside and I brushed past him, already feeling comforted by the smell of him. I walked straight into his bedroom, stripped off my clothes and climbed into his bed.

“Sawyer?” he asked, a trace of doubt tainting his voice.

“I just want you to hold me. No talking. No questions. No sex. Just hold me.”

Jake stepped out of his pants, folding them neatly over the dressing chair before crawling onto the mattress. He settled himself back and pulled the covers up to our waists. Holding his arm out for me to nestle into, he leaned down laid a gentle kiss on top of my head. I moved in close, resting my head on his bare chest and holding onto him with my arm over his hips.