It took me a while, and a couple more texts to Elle, to figure out I couldn’t buy books directly from the app, and then once I was eventually faced with the search bar on the website, I realized I didn’t actually know what I was looking for. That was something I didn’t want to share with Elle, so I took a chance and typed ‘gay’ into the Kindle section of the online store.
Fuck me sideways. There were hundreds, possibly even thousands, of books. My finger tapped away like a machine gun, clicking the ‘buy’ button one after the other for about three pages. Through the magic of Wi-Fi, the books appeared on my app within seconds. Closing my eyes, I ran the pad of my finger up and down the screen and tapped randomly, opening a book titled He’s Mine.
Before I got started I plucked a bottle of cold beer from the cooler behind the pool-bar, popped the cap and took a generous swig. I hadn’t read a book since high school, and even then I didn’t actually read it. I’d get friends to tell me what it was about instead.
The first book I opened completely screwed with my head. I wasted half an hour of my life becoming actually invested in the story when out of nowhere the guy turned into a fucking wolf. Who the hell reads this shit? I discarded this particular book as a fail. I needed to know if I was attracted to guys not wild fucking animals.
I took a chance on another one and as my gaze honed in on the first chapter heading, I hoped I didn’t get bored too quickly. After the last book, I was already growing frustrated. The first couple of chapters went pretty smoothly and it surprised me that I was genuinely curious whether Ted Marshall would get his guy. Apart from the whole thing being littered with pretentious words and long-winded descriptions, it was going okay until I reached the first sex scene.
As Ted slithered out of Daryl’s heavenly warmth, decorating his lover’s stomach with his silky seed, he knew there would never be another man for him…
Seriously. Heavenly warmth? Silky fucking seed? Who the hell actually talks like that? I’d have related to Ted a whole lot more if he’d said, “I yanked my dick out of Daryl’s tight ass and shot my load all over his face.” Therefore, once again, I disregarded this experiment. No, it didn’t turn me on, but I struggled to believe such drivel would get anyone excited.
“What are you reading?”
I almost choked to death on my own saliva, my body consumed by a rush of fear not dissimilar to the feeling you get when you dream that you’re falling.
“Sawyer, what the fuck?” I blasted after swallowing my heart back down into its rightful place. “Hey!” I protested, trying but failing to grab the iPad before Sawyer’s reaching hand got there first. “Come on, dude. Give it back.”
Sawyer retreated, holding the screen in front of his face while walking slowly backwards. “His slick channel ached, begging for more of Ted’s length… Man, what the hell is this shit?”
I decided right then I needed to change the security code for the gates. “Yeah, yeah, let’s get the making fun of me over with already.” Asshole.
I stomped over to the sun loungers, sitting down and staring absentmindedly at the soft ripples on the surface of the pool.
Sawyer followed, taking up the seat next to me. “I’m not going to make fun of you because what you’re going through right now isn’t funny. I’ve been there, remember? I was there for over ten years. You’re not going to find the answers you’re looking for in a book, and definitely not in a porno.”
I tipped my head back, sweeping away the hair that had fallen over my eyes. “Well where the hell can I find them?”
“You know the answer to that.”
“I’m tired of you blaming all this on me. I’ve tried calling. He doesn’t answer.”
“And that doesn’t bother you? He’s your best friend and he’s struggling. He needs you.”
“You’ve spoken to him, haven’t you?”
“Yeah,” Sawyer admitted quietly, narrowing his eyes as if trying to assess my reaction.
“How is he? What’d he say?”
“So you do care?”
“Of course I fucking care,” I snapped. “I wouldn’t be in this mess if I didn’t.”
Sawyer hummed, looking across to the water. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“Do you think you’re getting so hung up because you’ve fallen for a guy, or because you’ve fallen for anyone at all?”
I opened my mouth to give the obvious answer, but closed it again when I realized it wasn’t obvious at all. “I don’t know. How stupid is that? I mean, yeah, he’s a guy. I feel like I should be totally weirded out by the thought of kissing him, but when I remember how it felt…” I trailed off, closing my eyes and trying to shove the memory away. It provoked a thousand different emotions that I couldn’t even begin to piece together. Also, I didn’t want to get a hard-on in front of Sawyer, which happened every single time I thought back to that moment in the utility room.