“I’m not. I just don’t see how judging someone for their faith makes me any better than people who judge me for my sexuality.”
Matt inched closer and took my hand in his. “You’re pretty damn incredible, Alex Clark. They might not be lucky enough to have you in their life, but me, I’m fucking honored to be holding your hand.”
Smiling, hope swelling in my chest, I squeezed his hand. “Let’s get out of here. Just looking at this house makes me nauseous.”
The next couple of weeks were two of the happiest of my life. The club was packed every night, Sawyer and Jake had set a date for their wedding, and Matt and I were so in love even I felt queasy thinking about us. A week after that, however, that sickening wave of doubt started cascading through my body again.
I tried to convince myself that I was reading too much into the fact that Matt would leave the room to answer phone calls, or that he would disappear and return with a lame excuse about his whereabouts. Like the time he said he went grocery shopping. Matt wouldn’t have recognized a supermarket if it ran over him. Oh, and he failed to produce any actual groceries. Or when he went to the gym, something he’d never done before seeing as he had one at home which he rarely used. When I looked into his eyes, into his soul, I knew in my heart he wasn’t cheating on me. Or, maybe I just saw what I needed to believe to stop me from falling apart. All I knew for sure is that he was hiding something.
As a result, over the next couple of weeks, I found myself spending more and more nights in my own apartment. Matt knew something was troubling me but I couldn’t find the courage to explain or ask questions, sure that if I did, it would mark the end of our relationship. Consequently, I was equally responsible for the cracks in our union that were growing wider every day. Maybe this was inevitable. Maybe we were just too different, lived in different worlds. Maybe…we were foolish to ever think we could have a future together.
One day, I found myself kneeling in front of Corey’s grave. I talked to him for hours, asking him questions I knew he couldn’t give me the answer to. I considered calling Alan, even scrolled to his name on my phone several times, but I always backed out at the last second. Even though Matt was hurting me, I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone thinking badly of him.
I loved him.
Later that day, although I planned to sleep at my own place again, I needed to stop by at Matt’s to pick up my meds after running out at home. Cowardly, I half-hoped he wouldn’t be home so I could grab what I needed and leave, but when I walked up to the door, he came to meet me.
“I have a surprise for you,” he said, taking my hand and yanking me inside. His voice was eager and playful and it panged in my heart. “You’re going to love him.”
Him? My hand in his, I didn’t have any choice but to follow him. He led me to the utility room, the place where everything changed between us, and upon hearing a high-pitched yelp, I knew immediately what awaited me on the other side of the door.
“You got a dog?”
He dropped my hand and opened the door. A lively, golden puppy bounded toward me, his uncoordinated paws skidding on the tiled floor.
“You said you liked animals.”
“I do, but-”
“I didn’t name him yet,” Matt said. “Thought we should do it together.”
I picked the tiny yellow Labrador up from the floor and he kicked and wiggled in my arms while licking as much of my face as he could. He was adorable, but my heart sank.
“What are you doing, Matt?” My voice was sad, regretful. “You’re too busy to take care of a puppy.”
“He’s not mine, he’s ours.”
“Matt…”
“So I was thinking, you need to stop spending time at your place. He needs both of us.”
So that’s what this is about…
“And I’ve thought of everything. I’ve bought him a crate. They’re not cruel like some people think. I got a book on it. Dogs are den animals. They like having their own space. Oh, and I got him one of those baby monitors with a camera so we can keep an eye on him while he’s in there.”
“Matt…”
“And if we’re gonna be out for long periods, Saw said he’ll take care of him, even take him into the studio. He’s had his first vaccination but the vet says he’ll need another shot in two weeks. He’s on wet food right now, but the book I got recommends dry so we’ll wean-”