“I don’t know. I don’t know what any of this means. You. I don’t know what you mean. Why do I trust you?”
“Because you want to. And because you deserve to. I don’t want to control you, Ryder. I don’t want or need any power over you. I want us to just be…us. Friends. Lovers. Equal.”
“Will you stay here tonight? In your own room if you want. I just want to know you’re close.” I sighed contentedly, feeling lighter than I’d ever felt in my life. I’d done it. I’d told someone. Not just someone, but Mason. I still didn’t know what love was but I imagined if I wanted to try and find out with anyone it would be with him.
“Of course I will. I know I’m probably pushing you right now, and again if it’s too much just tell me, but…the porn. Considering what happened to you, why would you… I mean how…”
“Because I could. I could do it with the knowledge it was my choice. I held the power. I got to choose who, when and where. I do it because every time I fuck someone it feels like a victory, like a spit in his face.”
“Fuck I wish you didn’t have to feel like that,” he replied, sighing and shaking his head. I knew what he was thinking, I could tell by the desolate look in his eyes.
“I didn’t when I was with you.”
“You don’t have to say that. This isn’t about me.”
“But it’s the truth. I wanted you that night. I needed you. And afterwards, you were all I could think about. Not him. But I’d be lying if I said that didn’t scare the shit out of me. I didn’t understand why. I’ve never, I mean no one has ever affected me the way you do, and that still scares me. But, in answer to your question, yes. I promise to try.”
“You’re all kinds of incredible, you know that right?”
Like a teenage bloody girl, I smiled bashfully, unable to believe him but knowing he wouldn’t accept it if I disagreed right now. “Where do we go from here, Mason?”
“We order a pizza. We watch shit movies on Netflix and we take each day as it comes. Sound like a plan?”
“Yeah,” I said, summoning a genuine smile. “I’ll order the pizza, you find a movie.”
“Sure. I’ll take mine with extra peppers and no M&M’s.”
I laughed at the memory that burst into my mind. I wanted that back so badly – to have fun, to relax with him, be great friends, maybe even more than that. Actually, definitely more than friends. I just didn’t know if that was even possible.
Chapter Nine
~Mason~
A FEW HOURS after Ryder’s heart breaking revelation he fell asleep with his head on my lap. We were on our third movie of the night when he must’ve passed out from exhaustion. Knowing he couldn’t see me, I watched him sleep. His face was beautiful, so peaceful and free from the lines of burden that usually circled his eyes. I traced the outline of the skull inked onto his neck with my thumb, feeling soothed by the steady rhythm of his pulse beneath my touch. Then I bent down slowly, gently kissing the top of his head before trying to dislodge myself from his body without waking him.
I didn’t want to leave him but he’d been lying on me for so long my legs were turning numb. Also, I was restless. Anger forced my muscles to twitch, making me unable to settle. A soft moan left Ryder’s mouth when I carefully raised myself off the couch but he didn’t wake fully. After heading to his bedroom and grabbing the comforter off his bed, I returned and loosely covered him with it. Then after using the bathroom and deciding I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, I left the apartment and took off for a run.
All I could see when I set off into a fast sprint was Ryder’s face. His eyes were haunted and dark, swollen with tears threatening to burst their banks at any moment. I’d never seen anyone look so fragile, so broken before in my life and it made me wonder if he had that same look when that disgusting excuse of a man brutally stole his essence from him. I found myself pondering what he looked like, what was going through his sick and twisted mind when he did that to a child. I hated him, and I hated that he was dead. Death offered more peace than a sick fuck like that deserved.
I wasn’t wearing my running shoes but still I ran until I could feel blisters beginning to form on the soles of my feet. I ran until the image of Ryder’s face faded, replaced by the need to stop and breathe but I didn’t – not right away. If I stopped his face would reappear and that wasn’t how I wanted to picture him. I wanted to see him with that mischievous glint in his eye he had the first time we met, with the impish smile that illuminated his whole face. And I would see that again. I didn’t know how I was going to help him through this, but I knew, somehow, I would – whatever it took.