Where We Left Off (Middle of Somewhere 3)

I threw an arm over his waist and put my head on his shoulder, close enough to his chest that I could feel the reassuring thump of his heart against my ear.

“I was scared of what she’d do, scared of what would happen to the kids, scared of what Darren might do to Claire. Just fucking scared of everything. So I went back to Michigan. And it was a shit show. She didn’t want me there, and then me being there was the only thing that would help. She wanted my opinion on everything, from what kind of bread to get at the grocery store to what color she should paint her nails, and then if I tried to tell her my opinion on something she’d scream at me that I was trying to control her life. She wanted me to watch the kids twenty-four-seven so she could go out with Darren or her friends, and then she didn’t want me anywhere near them because she was their parent, not me, and she was convinced I was going to turn them against her.

“I helped as much as I could when she let me. Or I left her alone when she asked. Sometimes. Sometimes I couldn’t, and then she’d just hate me for doing what needed to be done. Rex—” He lingered over the name. “Rex was calm. Predictable. Consistent. He didn’t play games, and he didn’t fuck with my head. He didn’t stop me from leaving whenever I wanted because he never expected anything of me in the first place. Around him I was….” He shrugged like the memory embarrassed him.

“I was shallow and capricious. And I couldn’t fucking believe this good person wanted to spend even one second around me. Couldn’t believe he thought I was funny, or fun. Couldn’t believe he just accepted it when I told him I had to take off and then disappeared for a week without a word, taking care of stuff at Claire’s. And after a little while I got used to him, I guess. We got along really well. Rex is smart, you know, even if he’s not smart like your friend Daniel.”

“I know he is,” I confirmed, and Will hesitated before nodding, like he’d been prepared for a disagreement.

“You know the way he and Daniel are,” Will said, “where they’re just kind of… attuned to each other? Like, they aren’t close together but if you were standing far enough back to see them both you would see that they were moving in relation to one another?”

“Oh my god, yes.” I didn’t want to admit how often I’d noticed that and wished that I could have something like it. It was basically the most romantic thing I’d ever seen. Like even through space, even separated, their bodies or spirits or whatever it was, could sense each other and move accordingly.

“Rex wasn’t like that with me. We weren’t like that. And we never would’ve been. It just wasn’t that kind of thing. It was a good fit at the moment. He got a little infusion of fun in his life, and I… was looking for a wall I could keep running into. Anyway, we’d never have actually fit into each other’s lives. But I was on pause, and he was kinda locked away. I felt like the girl in that book… what’s it? The Secret Garden.” He looked embarrassed and when he spoke again it was as if he was mocking himself.

“I got to skip into Rex’s little garden, and I shook things up for him—he was so damned serious; even worse than he is now, for real—and at the same time I got a place to hide away for a while. A place I could relax, I guess. But yeah.” He snorted. “It would never have worked long term. Rex needed a safe space, and I… definitely wasn’t. Never would’ve been for him.”

“Wow, and you think of Daniel as a safe space? I more saw Rex as a safe space for him, I guess.”

Will bent his head awkwardly to look at me, his stubble catching my hair.

“Everyone’s safe space looks different, kiddo. For some people, like messy, messy Daniel, it’s someone who takes care of them, sure. But for others it’s someone who they can act out certain parts of their personalities with. Or all of their personalities.”

Maybe he was half-asleep, but this didn’t sound quite like the cynical description of a relationship made of self-annihilating compromise I’d heard from him before.

He rearranged us so his back was to my chest, pulling my arm around his stomach, and smashed his face into the pillow, clearly done with the subject.

I gave him a little squeeze and settled in. Just as I was starting to drift off, though, Will spoke, so softly, and so muffled by the pillow that I almost couldn’t make it out.