Where We Left Off (Middle of Somewhere 3)

“Don’t be sorry,” I said slowly.

“No. You told me you didn’t want this, so.”

And wasn’t that just about the most absurd thing I’d ever heard. The idea that I didn’t want something with Will.

“I’ve always wanted this. You know that.”

“Leo, I—” His voice was choked, and he seemed more worn out than I’d ever seen him.

I thought he couldn’t hurt me more than he had the night I’d walked in on him with another man, but, no. This would hurt more. If after calling me and wanting me here with him, he told me that things were the same as they’d ever been.

But then I looked at him, really looked. In the firelight, his eyes were haunted. And I had the sudden horror of something even worse. That he was about to actually give me what I’d wanted for all the wrong reasons. That out of fear and exhaustion and trauma and stress, he was about to tell me what I had been desperate to hear from the moment I met him. And then regret it.

“I slept with someone else.” The words exploded between us and I had the momentary satisfaction of watching something like loss break open in Will’s expression before he schooled it again. “I was going to tell you.”

“Okay,” he said. “Um, how was it? Or, not it it, I don’t mean, but….”

How was it? It was nice. It was hot. Satisfying in the moment. And I had kind of congratulated myself afterward, in an Oh, well done, you. You had a genuine College Experience kind of way.

“It was… important,” I said. Will clenched his jaw. “Not the guy, exactly. Russell,” I added because it seemed wrong to imply that he was nobody. He had been sweet and kind, and he’d definitely wanted to see me again.

“Important because it made me understand something. It made me understand that what you said about having sex with other people not having any bearing on what you felt about me? I… I get it. Like, I can see what you mean now.”

That felt strange to say, here, in Rex’s cabin where I had fallen in love with the idea of a relationship like Rex and Daniel’s.

Will was staring at me intently, but I couldn’t quite read his expression.

“It’s not for me,” I went on. “I just… I don’t think I’m the same way, you know?” He nodded. “And, okay, I’m not saying that should be proof for you that I will want to be with you forever or something. Not that I did it so I could have definitive data or anything. But I guess it is good to know that about myself.”

“You want to be with me?” Will echoed.

“Yeah, I know you’re not into it. We don’t have to go through it all again.”

Will shook his head. Frustrated? Irritated? I wasn’t sure.

“Does that… I mean, does it hurt you, that I slept with someone else?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Not… not exactly.” But his hands tightened on my shoulders.

“I kissed him first,” I said because it felt important for Will to know that I hadn’t just gone along with something. That I’d wanted it. Not the way I wanted him. But that had nothing to do with it.

Will looked at me intently, throat moving as he swallowed. “How did you kiss him? Show me.”

I blinked at him, but he just looked at me.

“Um, well.”

I moved toward Will and touched my mouth to his. I kissed him as if he were someone I had no physical history with. A kiss that wasn’t a promise but an exploration. That carried no past, only a potential future.

When I broke away for air, Will was breathing hard, his eyes intent on mine. “What happened next? Show me.”

I took Will by the hand and led him to the bedroom, since unlike the table in the geology lab, there was no furniture here that would take our weight. I unzipped his pants and pulled them off. He started to strip off his shirt, but I stopped him.

“He didn’t take his shirt off.”

I pushed him down on the air mattress, pulling my own pants off and kneeling between his legs to kiss him. I could smell the unfamiliar shampoo in his hair and the unfamiliar soap on his skin, and a bolt of longing for Will’s usual homey smells hit me.

“He kissed my neck,” I said, touching the spot where my shoulder met my neck, and Will latched on, kissing me, scraping his teeth over my skin. When he shifted to the other side, I reached into my bag and got lube and a condom, handing them to Will.

Will moved to push the lube away like he often did, but I pressed it on him.

“I don’t need that,” he said.

“I do.”

“Oh. He… okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Will bit his lip and slicked his fingers, never looking away as he reached for me.