“I tried. Once. It didn’t…I fucked it up.”
The image of Rachel struggling to shove her shoes on before she walked out the door, mouth set in a grim line, angrily wiping away tears she didn’t acknowledge as she told me that she was the one calling it quits, but I was the one who’d left her no other choice. She’d been right, I knew now.
“Spent a long time getting to the point where I felt okay. Then after that…I haven’t met anyone I was interested in, I suppose.”
The truth was both simpler and more confusing, though. At some point I had just stopped. Stopped connecting, stopped thinking of people as part of my life beyond the point when I was interacting with them. Stopped imagining that anyone would think of me that way. Just…stopped.
“So you haven’t been with anyone in all this time? Haven’t you been…lonely?”
Nights prowling the floor of my apartment, waiting for the sun to rise. Writing the facts I learned from podcasts and books in my notebook and reviewing them over dinners alone. Calls and texts at all hours of the day and night from sponsees in need of support. Loud shifts at the bar.
I shrugged. “I fill the time.”
Felix reached across the table and squeezed my hand.
“Has no dating meant no sex, or…?”
There was no judgment or surprise in his voice. He looked at me so sincerely it made my guts clench.
“I just jerk off. Basically the same thing, right?”
I had not intended to say that. Felix’s eyes went wide for a moment, then he started giggling and let go of my hand.
“Wow, way to kill a moment,” he said, going back to his food.
“Sorry,” I muttered, looking down at my plate. “Guess it’s been long enough I forgot you’re not supposed to bring up masturbation at the dinner table on a first date.”
Felix grinned. “Yeah, that’s strictly second-date dinner convo.”
We finished eating, and Felix cleared the table before I even stood up.
“Waiter?”
“Yup. At a diner for four years, so you’re in the presence of a professional.”
He waved me away from the sink and started to do the dishes.
“No, no.” I steered him away with a hand on his shoulder. “You’re my guest. Just leave it.”
His height made the angle he looked up at me from seem vulnerable, like he was baring his throat for my mouth.
“You sure?” he asked as I turned away.
I nodded. I liked the dishes to be done in a particular way, and the routine was important to me.
“?’Kay.” He stood there, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “Do you want to…do something else? Or I can get out of your hair if you want your apartment back…”
“Okay.”
“Okay, sure, no problem, I’ll just go,” he said.
“No.” I grabbed his shoulder. “I meant do something. Sorry. I’m…”
I felt strangely unsteady with Felix. Everything in me screamed, End the date, end the night, get him out of here before you have a chance to like him. But it was already too late.
“Cool,” Felix said. “Wanna lift weights together?”
He nodded toward the free weights in the corner. I was surprised at the suggestion but wasn’t about to tell Felix I hadn’t thought by looking at him that lifting was his thing.
“If you like,” I said slowly.
Felix made a face at me.
“Oh my God, I’m kidding. I don’t want to lift weights on our date. I don’t wanna lift weights at all.”
He wrinkled up his nose. He was kidding, messing with me…flirting with me?
Yeah, genius. When someone teases you gently on a date, that’s generally called flirting. Buy a fucking clue.
I took a step closer to Felix so I was looming over him, and let my gaze settle on his.
“Okay, smart-ass. What do you wanna do, then?”
His eyelashes fluttered and he swallowed hard.
“Um. Uh.”
Quick flick of his eyes down my body and back up to my mouth. Yeah, definitely flirting with me.
“We could…watch something?” he offered.
I nodded and led him to the couch. I watched television mostly when I couldn’t sleep or needed to distract myself. Watching with someone else as an activity wasn’t something I’d done much. A couple of times at a sponsee’s house when they needed company. The odd late-night movie here and there with a friend.
When Netflix loaded, my recently watched items were right there on the screen and as I grabbed for the remote to scroll away, Felix exclaimed, “Oh my God, you watch Secaucus Psychic!”
Jesus. “Um. No,” I said, fumbling with the remote.
“Come on!” Felix said. “I fucking love that show, are you kidding? It’s amazing.”
He tugged on my arm with both hands and was practically squirming with glee.
“You do?”
“Love it. Put it on!”
I narrowed my eyes at him. I couldn’t quite tell if he was messing with me again.
“You speak of this to no one,” I growled, and Felix grinned.