Raze (Riven 3)

“Kinda sounds like what love should be?”

“Well, yeah, you should accept the essence of a person as they are, but I think love in a partnership is encouraging each other to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be. And certainly you can accept someone’s glorious essence exactly as it is and still say, ‘God dammit, my love, it was your turn to go to the store and you didn’t, so now all we have is lentils and peanut butter.’?”

I smiled, imagining Sue and her wife irritably trying to make dinner out of lentils and peanut butter.

“My point is that I had to learn how to fight kindly. And before I could do that, I had to feel safe that she wouldn’t leave me. Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t know how to fight. Maybe he doesn’t feel like he can fight with you. Maybe you don’t know how to fight. I don’t know, but you need to find out.”

I replayed Dane’s words in my head: Not having this conversation with you right now. He had been trying to leave and deal with a crisis.

“I think, uh…I think my timing might have been epically flawed.”

“Well, you do seem to have a little problem with timing,” she said, tapping her watch and winking at me.

“Nah, this was all just part of my diabolical plan to get to hang at the museum after closing and wait for the exhibits to come alive.”

She glared and I smiled sweetly.

“Feel any better?” she asked.

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t really know what to do next, because my sister’s on tour and my boyfriend basically doesn’t use a phone, and also probably hates me for being a selfish brat, but. Yeah.”

“It’s not about them, kid. You gotta figure out your shit. Figure out your desires. Figure out your ambitions. And ambitions don’t have to be about career or fame. Hell, I’ve been a security guard here for fourteen years and I like it just fine. My ambition is about being a good partner, being a good aunt to my niece. I like to paint. I like to watch my bird feeders. I like to cook. Doesn’t have to be big, but figure out what you want your life to look like. You’re the only one who can.”

“Wow, that was some full-on wisdom dispensing right there.” I grinned.

“Laugh all you want, but there’s a reason that there are wisdom-dispensing older people popping in to tell young people how to get their shit together.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Because we’ve got some damn perspective. We’ve had more time to watch the experiment of life and see the long-term results. We’ve seen the same situations play out enough times to know pretty well how they’re going to resolve.” She tapped her temple. “Observer of human nature, remember?”

“Well, I feel extremely fairy godmothered,” I said. “Thank you. For the advice and the tour.”

We had arrived at a side door and Sue took out her keys.

“Felix.” It was the first time she’d said my name. “Can I tell you one more thing?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“You’re going to be fine. I know it might not seem that way. But you are. Maybe this guy’s your soul mate and you’ll talk it all out. But even if you never speak to him again, you’re going to be just fine.”

I nodded, not quite believing her but wanting to. The thought of never speaking to Dane again made my heart race.

“Thanks.”

“And then—” She fixed me with a stern look. “You’re going to come back here and tell me how it all went, won’t you? I hate not knowing the end of a story.”

“I will, I promise. Thank you, Sue. Truly. I—shit, I didn’t even ask how you are.”

She laughed and opened the door, ushering me out into the evening.

Chapter 13

Huey

Black lines crisscrossed my torso and crept down over my hips and thighs—so many words layered over each other that my body couldn’t contain them. Messages to myself, from myself. Attempts to corral the horrible, gaping emptiness that opened after my fight with Felix.

It still wasn’t enough.

I got onto the train, duffel bag slung over my shoulder, and two women moved away from me. In the cloudy window my expression was grim and twisted. I found a seat and pressed my palm to my stomach, trying to feel the words—so many words—too many to untangle or hold onto.

I was going to Sleepy Hollow. Caleb and Theo were at Matt and Rhys’s, and they’d invited me to come up for the weekend. Well, Rhys had invited; Caleb had instructed.

I fucked up, I’d texted Caleb when I got home from Jerome’s and Felix wasn’t there. I hadn’t really expected him to be, but a part of me hoped that I’d walk in to find him conked out on the couch in front of the TV, or curled up in my bed, hogging the pillows. But my apartment had been empty and still.