Raze (Riven 3)

By the time the pickling had been sorted out we were all starving, so Rhys and Matt fired up the grill and we ate burgers in the backyard as the sun set. Rhys flicked a switch, and fairy lights sparkled in the trees and around the eaves of the house. They’d put them up for the wedding and liked them so much they’d never taken them down.

Matt brought out a pie and Theo said, “Is that the peach?” Matt nodded and Theo licked his lips.

“How’s your project going, Matt?” I asked as he served the pie.

Matt worked at an organization that connected youth transitioning out of the foster care system with jobs, skill-building assistance, and educational opportunities. Over the last year, he’d begun a program that provided art supplies and studio space for those same youth. Rhys talked endlessly about how impressive everything Matt had done was.

Matt brightened.

“It’s good, I think. Yeah, pretty good. We just got a commitment for a big donation of materials from this one art supply company.”

“You,” Rhys said.

Matt turned to him. “Huh?”

“You got the donation, baby. You’ve done all of it, not a bunch of other people.”

Matt ducked his chin and shoved his fists in his pockets, but a faint smile played on his lips.

“Yeah, well, okay. It’s going good.”

“Good. Caleb, how’s—”

Theo interrupted me with the world’s least subtle throat clearing. He was practically bouncing in his seat. Caleb squeezed his knee.

“So, um, Huey,” Theo said. He was trying to sound casual and failing. “What happened with Felix?”

I glared at Caleb, who grimaced.

Now they were all looking at me.

The sensation that had dogged me my whole life settled over me like a cold mist. The desire to disappear. To direct the attention elsewhere. To retreat so deep inside that no one could see me.

It had begun with the growth spurt that sent me towering over my classmates when I was twelve. Suddenly I drew attention instead of repelling it. The older I got, the bigger I got, the worse it got. I would stand very still, eyes fixed on a point in the distance, praying that eyes would pass right over me. Praying that I could disappear.

When I began lifting weights, it was out of a desire to exert some control over one element of the body I’d never consented to. If I was going to draw attention, it would be better if it was for strength, imperviousness, than anything else. I began to hone the meat suit I was saddled with, and slowly, I turned the thing that made me feel too noticeable into something that kept people away.

Football helped.

Shaving my head helped.

Glaring helped.

But these were my friends, and I didn’t play football anymore, and no amount of glaring had ever had any effect on Theo’s curiosity.

I sighed and fixed my eyes on the thick base of the tree in front of me, its trunk and branches reaching for the sky, its roots digging down deep into the earth to anchor it.

“Felix is having a rough time right now. His sister left on tour and he really misses her. Doesn’t like his job. Doesn’t know what he wants to do. I had to leave to sit with a sponsee when we were supposed to spend the day together. He got real upset. Thought I was choosing my sponsee over him. Said he couldn’t tell if I liked him or if he was one more thing I did to…to atone.”

“What did you say?” Caleb asked.

“I left.”

They all winced.

“Time-sensitive situation,” I muttered.

Caleb nodded. He knew how it went. “So what happened after?”

The food turned over in my stomach.

“Nothing.”

They winced again.

“Has he gotten in touch with you?” Theo asked.

“No.”

“Well, you definitely need to talk,” Rhys said. “Does Felix have a problem with you being a sponsor in general or was he just upset you were leaving at that moment?”

“He’s never had a problem before.”

The questions came from all directions, one after the other, all of them with the same spine: apologize and explain.

Finally, through a break in the deluge, Matt said softly, “Why can’t he tell that you like him?”

His words reverberated in the quiet garden and everyone fell silent. I frowned.

Suddenly Matt’s words—Felix’s words—slashed through me like a blade. Felix didn’t know that I cared about him. Felix was out there right now, truly not knowing how I felt about him.

All the times I’d stared at the beautiful lines of his face, the angle of his collarbone, the cowlick in his perfect, messy hair. All the times I’d breathed deeply into his neck, trying to fill my entire being with the sweet, comforting scent of him. All the times I’d felt his heart beat against mine when I touched him, kissed the corners of his eyes because they seemed like the most intimate place I could think of touching another person. All the times I’d stayed silent so that he would never stop talking to me because I loved the sound of his voice…