Raze (Riven 3)

Tears flooded my eyes and I tried to blink them away.

“Fuck,” she muttered. “I’m sorry. I…”

“I don’t want to end up like Mom,” I choked out.

Sof’s eyes went wide and soft and I knew she thought I meant that I didn’t want to end up scraping to get by. But that wasn’t the image I had anymore. The image I had now was of Dane turning away from me, leaving me on my own as he went off to pursue a life he considered more important.

She started to put her arms around me, but I pushed her away.

“You know, sometimes I need someone to take care of me too,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself. “I really needed you the other day, Sof. I needed my sister, and you didn’t even have five minutes to talk.”

Now she hugged me even though I still had my arms around my stomach. She squeezed me tight and I cried into her robe.

“Jesus, this is the softest robe I’ve ever felt,” I said through my tears.

She chuckled and squeezed me tighter.

“Truth?”

I nodded.

“At the risk of upsetting you more, uh…thanks for not thinking I purposely abandoned you, but…I might have. Just a little bit. I saw this opportunity to get out of the Mom-cycle and I took it. And the second I was in another kind of life, even after just a couple days, it felt so good. Fuck, Felix, it felt so damn good. To be surrounded by people talking about music and art and fashion instead of rent and roaches and subway closures? Things felt easy for the first time in my life. It felt like a fantasy.”

She bit at her thumbnail like she had ever since she was little when she felt guilty.

“I stayed in the fantasy and I told myself you were fine. Because you’re always fine. You’ve always been fine, my whole life. You’ve always been the strong one who rolls with anything. Who can figure out a way to fix anything.”

“I’m not fine,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be! I should’ve seen the difference between fine-because-you-have-to-be and actually fine. I think probably I wanted to believe you were fine so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about peacing out.”

I nodded. “That makes sense.”

“I’m so sorry, Felix. I fucking love you and I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t care. But also I really want you to, like…” Her voice was choked and tears ran down her cheeks.

“Get a life?” I said.

“Basically.”

I socked her in the shoulder. “I love you too. I just miss you. I miss that feeling of being a team. Having someone to talk to at night and plan things with.”

She hesitated for a moment, then said, “I love being a team with you, and we always will be. But…have you thought that maybe it’s not just me you want to be a team with? Not just me you wanna talk to at night and plan stuff for the future with?”

My stomach flipped.

“In case that was too subtle, I meant Dane,” Sofia said, winking and shoving at me. I stuck a pillow in her face.

“I don’t think he wants that with me,” I said, shoulders slumping.

“Why?”

I told her about the fight, expecting sympathy, but she waved my concerns aside.

“Look, bro, you basically told the guy he’s dead inside. You can’t both just say sorry and hug it out. You’ve gotta talk it all through.”

I slumped onto my back on the bed. Slumping, always slumping. Even the ceiling was perfectly, spotlessly white. I bet they washed it when they steam-cleaned the carpets.

“What if he won’t talk to me?”

“You make him.”

“Yeah, I’d love to see me try and make Dane do anything. He’s like six foot five and weighs three of me.”

“Yes, Felix, because obviously what I meant was that you should challenge him to a gladiatorial match where your muscle mass and fighting prowess determine who has to share their deep, dark secrets. Idiot.”

“Damn, I can totally see Dane as a gladiator,” I said dreamily. Thick leather straps crisscrossing his powerful chest, bands of leather straining against the girth of his biceps, his huge thighs straining as he crouched to throw a javelin…or whatever gladiators fought with. I hadn’t seen that movie in years.

“Earth to Felix.”

“Sorry.”

“Look, maybe it won’t be a fun-filled conversation, but if this isn’t going to be the kind of partnership you want, wouldn’t you rather know now? Not waste any more of your time?”

My stomach soured at the idea of not having Dane in my life anymore.

“I guess.”

“I’ve always been jealous of how you can express your feelings, bro.”

I snorted.

“No, seriously. It’s really hard and it’s really brave to be that vulnerable with someone. It’s like walking into battle with no armor and no weapons and just saying Bring it. Just be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Try and see how he feels. Sorry it’s not more psychologically complex advice, but I think that’s all you can do.”