“Like so much at once that I get overloaded,” he said.
“That’s kind of how I felt that day, too. Only it was like my feelings were really big. I think…I’ve never had someone before who I cared about this much,” I said slowly. “Besides my family, I mean, but that’s different. I’ve never had anyone I felt like I could be…vulnerable with, I guess? So the other day, it was like the first time I ever asked for something just because I wanted it. And I know I was wrong,” I assured him quickly. “But it was like, I felt like shit and I wanted you so much and you were leaving and I just…I couldn’t stand it. That’s why I acted so bad. I just couldn’t stand you not being there in that moment.”
My heart was racing, fear and shame and hope swelling inside me like a bouquet of perfect, fragile balloons.
“Is that…is it okay that I felt like that about you?”
“I don’t think it’s for me to say, sweetheart. But I like it. A lot.”
“But…” I took a deep breath. My feelings weren’t for Dane to say. He was right. “Okay. I guess maybe what I want to say is that we might both need to understand when it’s happening—that you’re overloaded and that I’m overflowing. So we can know what we need. Like, what do you need when you get overloaded?”
“Time to think,” he said right away.
I nodded.
“You?” he asked. “When you’re overflowing.”
“I think…maybe for you to touch me. Maybe tell me it’ll be okay?”
I cringed at how babyish that sounded, but Dane nodded.
“Okay,” I said. “Okay, great. That’s good. Yeah. Progress. Right? I think so.”
I bit my lip to stop myself from babbling.
I wasn’t sure where to go from there. I wanted to tell Dane everything I was thinking about him and feeling about our potential future together, but it didn’t seem like the time, since we were hashing out our fight and our…everything.
“Um,” I ventured. “Can we try it?”
“Try it?”
“Yeah, I’m a little…uh, leaky.”
I chanced a glance up at Dane and his eyes were so open, his willingness to accept me so clear on his face that I felt myself start to actually leak. He wiped a tear from my cheek and opened his arms to me.
“Come here,” he rumbled, and wrapped me in his arms. He rubbed my back, and I forced myself not to care if I was needy or weak because nothing had ever felt as good as hearing his low, steady voice say, “I got you, sweetheart. It’s gonna be okay.”
I pressed even closer, like my whole body could drink in his reassurance. We stayed that way for a few minutes, and I thought I felt Dane relax a little bit too.
“Hey,” I said, remembering suddenly. “Is your sponsee okay? The one from the other day.”
I felt him sigh.
“I hope he will be. But I’m not his sponsor anymore.”
I pulled away so I could see his face.
“What? No! I never wanted you to feel like I wanted you to stop working with sponsees! Oh no! I’m sorry! Shit, I didn’t mean—”
“No. It wasn’t because of you. It was because of me. For me. I’ve…started to make some changes. Maybe if we’re gonna be a thing,” he said, and shot me an amused look, “we can decide on some others?”
Joy flushed me and I smiled at him.
We were totally a thing.
“Changes, okay. Tell me?”
“Had a lot of time to think the last few days. Not sure how well I can explain it, but, back when I was newly sober, my routines, they were like a safeguard. I didn’t want downtime because downtime was dangerous time. Time I could think about wanting to escape, time I could score, time I could use, time I could be scared of doing all those things. Keeping busy helped. Then when I started sponsoring people, they took up more time. And not just time, but energy. And I could help them. That helped.”
Dane’s eyes darted around the room and landed on his bookcase. With a pinch of fear, I realized I’d have to confess my breach of privacy from the day we fought. But maybe not right this second.
“Reggie said after a while I wouldn’t need that stuff anymore. That it was training wheels. But the more it worked, the more I kept doing it. Guess it became a little…compulsive. The schedules and routines and reps and facts. Control. Trying to convince myself that it’s possible to have control over everything. But…it’s not. And trying really hard doesn’t change that. It just makes me more s-scared.”
I slipped my hand into his and felt the tremble in his fingers.
“So I’ve been thinking about taking a step back.”
He was holding himself very still, but I thought he wasn’t quite frozen.