Raze (Riven 3)

My voice sounded frayed from sleep and emotion, but I felt more alive than I ever had.

“Dane, I love you,” he murmured into my neck. “Love you.”

We both fell back asleep with murmurs of love on our lips.

* * *

—

Something had changed. I felt both lighter and more substantial. That week, Felix stayed over nearly every night, and little by little we sank into what it might feel like to be together the way Felix said he wanted. The way I was learning I wanted too.

“Hey!” Johi called as I came into the bar. “I put together a new cocktail to try and use up all that pineapple juice we got by mistake. It’s like a jalapeño pineapple margarita kind of thing. Can I make it a special tonight?”

Johi stood, perfectly comfortable, the bar her domain. I studied her. She was responsible, she took initiative, the other bartenders liked her and so did the customers.

“You like working here?” I asked.

A nervous look flickered across her face.

“Am I doing something wrong, boss?”

“Nope.”

“Uh, well, yeah, I love working here. You know that.”

“Ever be interested in taking on more of the business side of things?”

She narrowed her eyes, expression sharp.

“You mean like making up new cocktails to account for excess stock and instituting karaoke nights? That kind of thing?”

I snorted. “That and more. Look, I fell into running this place. You’re better than I am at the idea side of things. You’re younger. You know what customers want. You enjoy it. Might be good for both of us. Just think about it.”

“I don’t have to think about it. You’re offering, I’m accepting. As long as the money’s fair.”

I nodded.

“Of course. Let’s talk about it soon.”

Johi beamed.

“For real?”

“You thought I was bluffing?”

“I thought…maybe you wanted me to do more work for a bartender’s tips.”

“Nope.”

“Thanks, Huey. Thanks a lot.”

* * *

—

Upstairs, Felix was working on his diorama. At some point in the last few days he’d settled on an idea after bouncing around to a new one every hour, and now that he was working on it, his focus was intent. He looked up when I came in and smiled softly.

When I walked behind him, he leaned back against me and I slid my hand over his shoulder and down his chest to feel the steady thump of his heart.

I put two springs and a coil of wire from the hardware store on the table in front of him.

He tipped his head back to look up at me.

“How’d you know I needed those?” he asked with surprise.

“You were muttering about it this morning.”

“Huh. I was?”

He pulled at me, trying to get me closer. I dropped to my knees, worried he’d try to pull me into his lap if I didn’t. He wrapped his arms around me in a cuddly hug.

“Thanks,” he said, voice muffled by my neck.

“Sure.” I stroked the back of his neck and felt the world melt away.

Later, when we were having dinner, I remembered he’d had a FaceTime date with Sofia after work.

“How’s your sister?”

He grinned.

“She’s good. Man, is she into Coco. I swear, half of what she said was like, ‘Coco thinks this and Coco said that.’ Pretty awesome, ’cuz now I can tease her forever too.”

“Too?”

He grumbled something indecipherable.

“Huh?”

“She teases me ’cuz she says I do that about you.”

He blushed, and warmth flowed through me at the idea of Felix repeating things about me to his sister.

“Aw, do you like me, sweetheart?” I teased.

“No way, you like me,” he snipped.

“Actually, I seem to remember you asking me out.”

“Well, whatever, you like me more,” he said, sticking his tongue out.

“Probably,” I said.

It was the truth. Once I’d stopped trying to fight the idea that I did have feelings for Felix, the enormity of those feelings became clear.

His teasing expression slid away.

“Hey, no.” He grabbed my hand. “I was just messing around.”

“I know.”

“You don’t really think that you like me more, do you?”

“I love you,” I said.

“And I love you.”

I nodded and tried to smile, but Felix slid out of his chair and onto my lap, like he always did when he wanted to talk seriously and didn’t want me to be able to leave or look away from him. I liked it, even if I wouldn’t admit it. I settled my hands on his hips with a sigh.

“I love you,” he said.

I tipped my forehead to rest against his.

“I love you,” I told him, more breath than sound.

“We both love each other. There’s no math involved.”

“No math,” I echoed.

He leaned in and kissed me softly, and like always, his sweetness struck me hard.

“Good, ’cuz I hate math. Listen, I wanted to ask you…Next week, it’s my little brother’s play. Would you want to maybe come with me? To New Brunswick?”

I went very still. New Brunswick meant Felix’s mother, and probably more of his siblings. People didn’t warm to me quickly. They found me intimidating, standoffish, awkward, scary. Add to that how much older I was than Felix. Would Felix’s mother take one look at me with her son and hate me? What about the rest of his family? Family. Not a good idea. But that’s what we were supposed to do, right? Merge our lives together. Not that Felix would ever meet my father. Would he want to?