Riven (Riven 1)

Three minutes. I couldn’t breathe and I was running through every single shitty thing I’d ever done, pulling my mistakes around me like some kind of armor against the hope of anything good.

Then Theo was there, hands on my shoulders, pushing me down to sit on an amp.

“Baby,” he said, low, face close to mine. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be fine.”

I nodded and told myself the thing that I knew was true: This cannot actually kill you. Sometimes it helped.

“Listen, if you’re not okay with this, we don’t have to do it. No one will know the difference.”

Theo’s beautiful eyes were dark blue in the dim backstage light, made impossibly large with the eyeliner smeared around them. He was letting me off the hook. And I could see it in his eyes: if I took the out, he wouldn’t hold it against me. He wouldn’t be angry. He wanted to do what was best for me.

Fuck, I loved him so much.

“No, I—I’m okay. Or, I will be. I’m freaking, but I’ll be fine.”

I said it over and over in the hopes that I could make it true.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Always,” I said.

Theo leaned in and kissed me so sweet. His mouth was warm and I could feel the lip balm he always wore onstage so his lips wouldn’t crack. He pulled away and rubbed the balm into my bottom lip, smiling a little.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

He threw his legs over mine so he was half on my lap, and I nodded, burying my fingers in his hair as he spoke softly, lips almost touching mine.

“I’m a little nervous to play with Caleb Blake Whitman. He’s really good. And I kind of have a thing for him.”

Out of nowhere, I felt my chest tighten and my throat seize, suddenly close to tears. In all of this, somehow, Theo had managed to remind me of who I was. Who I wanted to be. Who I could be again.

“Fuck,” I muttered, then I kissed him hard. “Fuck if he doesn’t have a hell of a thing for you, too. Let’s do this shit. Now, before I lose my nerve.”

Theo’s smile right then, in the dim light, with equipment strewn all around us, was one I knew I would remember for the rest of my life. He smiled at me like nothing could make him happier. He smiled at me like I was the best thing in the world. Now how could I possibly do anything but try my damnedest to live up to it?

Theo signaled to Coco and the techies near her while I grabbed my guitar. Theo held his loose in his left hand and reached for my hand with his right.

As the lights in the house went to black, the crowd came alive with cheers, and when a spot followed Coco as she walked onstage, they started screaming.

“Good evening, New Orleans!” Coco yelled. She was all energy and the crowd ate it up. “Now, listen, y’all. We have a special treat for you tonight. You want to know what it is?”

The crowd yelled, everyone screaming guesses at the stage. Coco cupped her hand to her ear and leaned toward them exaggeratedly. They yelled louder.

“Aw, you’ll never guess!” she teased them. “Let me ask you a question, New Orleans. Anyone in the audience a Caleb Blake Whitman fan?” She said my name clearly and slowly, and still it sounded alien to me. I hadn’t known she was going to mention my name at all, though of course that’s what you would do if you were introducing someone.

Theo squeezed my hand and I realized I had his in a death grip. I made a conscious effort to ease off. Then, to my total shock, I heard some people in the crowd start to cheer.

“That’s right!” Coco said. “Tell me again. Are there any Caleb Blake Whitman fans in the house?”

“Holy shit,” I said, as people cheered again.

Theo elbowed me and grinned.

“Well, tonight we’ve got Mr. Caleb Blake Whitman himself. He and Theo have a song they wanna play you, and maybe if you like it, you can hit us up online and let him know, okay? But remember, you’ll have to hit up Riven, not Theo.”

She paused dramatically, and the crowd laughed and cheered.

“You know how Theo is. He’s still living in the Dark Ages.” Her voice was perfectly pitched at fond teasing. Theo didn’t have any social media and it was something his fans found charming. Theo rolled his eyes.

“All right, then!” Coco said. “Give ’em a reason to come onstage, would you? Caleb Blake Whitman and Theo Decker!”

The crowd roared and Coco shot them a thumbs-up before skipping offstage.

Theo high-fived her and she smiled at us both.

“Hey,” Theo said, shoulders set. “We got this.”

I nodded, forcing myself to breathe.

Theo took a step, so I took a step. Theo took another, so I took another. I was reduced to simple mimicry, and in that way, I ended up standing down center stage of the largest arena I’d ever played in my life. The sound of the crowd was muffled, and I could almost forget they were there. My head felt packed with cotton and the lights were so bright I could hardly see.