Rend (Riven 2)

“Do you really think that?” Theo asked.

“Huh?”

“That Rhys chose you because he couldn’t have Caleb.”

“I . . . I don’t know.”

“You know Rhys and Caleb broke up way before Caleb went to rehab.”

“Yeah. But they broke up because of Caleb’s drug use. So once he wasn’t using, it made sense that they’d maybe get back together.”

“Well, you should probably talk to Rhys about that,” Theo said slowly.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make shit weird.”

“You didn’t. I just don’t want to . . . Well. Caleb says the drugs were only part of the problem. But I guess it’s possible Caleb doesn’t want them to be the whole problem.”

“What do you mean? What does Caleb say the problem was?”

“He always said that he and Rhys were great together on the road and not so much in real life.”

“What does that mean?”

Theo bit at his cuticles and thought about it. “Being on tour’s not real. It’s a particular arrangement. You’re not responsible for much. Just getting to where you’re supposed to be and making sure you don’t massively fuck up once you’re there.”

I snorted at the idea of a famous rock star describing his job that way.

“But other than that, it’s like a long sleepover. Half the time you’re just hanging out. The other half the time you’re wishing everyone would disappear so you can have your own space. The sense I got from Caleb was that it worked so well because they were good at the sleepover part, and the music part, but that Rhys—”

“What about Rhys?”

“I think Rhys wanted the real life part too. And Caleb didn’t really feel that way about him.”

My stomach dropped. I knew how deeply Rhys had always wanted a partner. And he’d told me that Caleb had filled that role in some ways, for the time they were touring together. But I had always gotten the impression that it was a placeholder for Rhys. A way of having fifty percent of something he wanted. Theo made it sound like Rhys had pined for something Caleb didn’t want to give him. I pushed the pie away.

“Matt?” Theo’s voice was soft. “Matt, hey. I think I said that wrong.”

I shook my head and leaned back in the grass, closing my eyes.

“What I meant is that Rhys wanted someone who would give him the real life part. And that person wasn’t Caleb. It was you.”

It was you, it was you, it was you.

My head was still swimming but the knot in my stomach loosened a little. Theo made me another drink, though he didn’t have one since he had to drive home.

The sun began to set, and I shivered. My least favorite time of day. I’d hidden from it in the hallway the first few days Rhys was gone, and ducked out of it to wait for the train the last few days. Now it was inescapable.

“Hey,” Theo said as the sky darkened. “I’m sorry. I really just say the wrong thing sometimes. Matt?”

“It’s okay,” I said. My voice was very small. But Theo wasn’t Rhys. He wouldn’t know that it wasn’t his fault I didn’t have anything to say. “I’m glad you came over today. Glad we got to hang out.”

Theo’s smile brightened up the darkness.

“Me too! I really worried that maybe you just thought I was an idiot. I feel like I say stupid stuff whenever we all hang out, or I just ramble on about music.”

“I just figured you guys all wanted to talk about music, and I don’t have much to add so I should keep my mouth shut.”

“Okay, so we’re both idiots,” Theo said gently. “And we both like each other?” I nodded. “So maybe . . . we could hang out again? I don’t really have that many friends besides Caleb. It’s nice to just talk. Or not talk.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” I said. And I was surprised to realize it was the truth.

“I guess I’m gonna take off, then,” he said.

We gathered the detritus of our afternoon and took it inside, and I walked Theo to the door and handed him the book I’d suggested.

“Okay, see ya,” he said, but he hesitated.

“You okay to drive?”

“Yeah, fine. I was just having an awkward moment where I was gonna hug you but then I know you don’t like that so I was gonna shake your hand but that seemed really weird. And now I made it weirder.”

“You know I don’t like that?” I echoed.

“Rhys told me and Caleb you don’t really like being touched. Before we all hung out in the winter.” We’d spent the holidays at Theo and Caleb’s house in Stormville when the weather had made traveling to Rhys’s family in North Carolina impossible. “He said it so we wouldn’t like jump all over you, I guess?”

All the times they’d hugged Rhys and, I’d thought, ignored me, reorganized themselves into a different shape in my mind. Was it possible that what I’d thought was antipathy was actually consideration?