Rend (Riven 2)

I did go home, but I didn’t call a cab. I walked for a while, then got the subway, then picked up the train at Grand Central just before rush hour. At home, I stripped out of my clothes and stood under the shower until the hot water ran out.

I felt hollow. I hadn’t eaten all day so I had some cereal but felt just as hollow when I was done and didn’t bother making anything else. I curled up on the couch and dragged the blankets around me and tried to sleep, hoping for no dreams at all.

Over and over, I said: Rhys loves me, Rhys loves me. But outside, the branches still scraped, the wind still whined, and somewhere, almost out of hearing, something small and afraid was screaming.

* * *

—

I did stay late at work on Friday, not because I needed to make up for the day before but because I wanted to write a memo to Imari outlining the idea I’d mentioned to Rhys. I wanted to raise funds to get resources for our clients. Camera equipment and musical equipment and art supplies they could borrow or use for projects to enhance their résumés or to help them apply for jobs, colleges, fellowships. I included a provisional startup budget and then estimated yearly operating costs. We could start small, with whatever we could get, and expand from there.

I was pleased with the idea, and as I pressed send on the email I realized how completely horrible I’d felt lately, because this was the first time since before Rhys left that I noticed feeling good about . . . well, anything. My job at Mariposa had changed my life, and I loved it. I felt good there, like I was useful, worth something. But the last few weeks had even sucked the satisfaction out of work. It was like Theo had said about Caleb: Sometimes you couldn’t notice how bad things were until something good showed you the difference.

Chapter 9

I startled awake in the middle of the night to the sound of the front door creaking open, then a muffled thump and growl. I jerked upright, heart pounding, eyes straining to see anything in the dark.

The dark shape rose up and I could see its true size. Huge, hulking. It could tear me apart.

Then its form resolved itself into something I recognized.

“Rhys?”

He jumped, clutching his chest. “Fuck, you scared me.” He dropped his duffel and guitar case on the floor inside the door.

“You’re not supposed to be home until tomorrow,” I scratched out, fear and relief warring in my chest. “Right?”

“I caught a red-eye instead of going on the bus. What are you doing on the couch?”

But before I had time to think how to answer, he was sitting down next to me and all my uncertainties were jettisoned because Rhys! I threw myself onto him and he caught me, pulling me close.

“Baby,” he murmured, and I buried my face in his neck and we hung on to each other in the dark. “Fuck, I missed you so damn much.”

I practically sobbed at the relief of him being home, of it being over. With Rhys’s arms around me, in the dark, I felt all the fight drain out of me, every stitch I’d taken to try and hold myself together unravel. I twined my fingers in his hair and in my head I chanted, Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me again, please.

As if he could sense what I was thinking, Rhys squeezed me even tighter. “I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”

I cringed. “Hi,” I murmured. Then, “I’m still kind of asleep.”

“Me too. Let’s go to bed, okay?”

I stumbled to my feet and held out a hand to help Rhys up. He stood, and I froze, just looking at him in the dark.

“What?” he asked, cupping my cheek.

“I forgot how big you are,” I mumbled stupidly.

“You like that, baby?” he purred.

“You know I do.”

I meant to make some joke or say something flirtatious but every ounce of energy had drained out of me. Exhaustion, then adrenaline, then relief had wrung me out, and I just sagged against Rhys’s side.

“Bedtime,” he said, and then he picked me up.

I should have been embarrassed, but after a flash of You shouldn’t like this I just wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and let him carry me upstairs and drop me on the bed.

“Wantyoutofuckme,” I mumbled into the pillow as Rhys collapsed next to me.

I stayed awake just long enough to hear him say, “No chance, babe,” and then sleep took us both.

I was dreaming I was underwater, rocked gently on the eddies of the ocean all around me, and woke to Rhys inside me. One moment I was asleep, the next I was aware only of pleasure and warmth and fullness.