“Sorry I waited so long.”
“We agreed to speak regularly via phone and Skype, Mika. That was the deal, since I couldn’t find a qualified professional to deal with your particular case in that area that went with your fifteen minute driving limit.”
Blowing out a breath, I get out of the car and walk inside. We didn’t set estimated times. Just vague promises without definite timeframes.
“I know. I’m sorry. But I haven’t had any incidents at all. In fact, I accidentally dropped and broke a tray of glasses one day and I managed to pick them up and throw them away without mashing them to bits to make them the same size. I also haven’t had any issues with the bowling alley. Hunter handled it without giving me any timeframes, and I have two incredible managers who handle all the time slots, schedules, call-ins, and such. None of that gets relayed to me, just like you told me to do.”
More relief comes out in her breath, and I dread the next confession.
“I saw him. He’s not gone.”
Her breath hitches, and she clears her throat like she doesn’t want me to hear her reaction.
“Mika, I know you felt strongly about this man at one time, but don’t let your mind fool you into believing you can pick up where you left off. Emotions… They’re a trigger in your condition.”
This is why I love Dr. Stein. She doesn’t just ask me how does that make you feel even though she probably should.
“I’m not doing that. I wasn’t feeling like there was unfinished business between us,” I lie, but it’s not like I can be honest. She’d have Aidan remove me immediately. “I’ve killed him, married him, had his baby, and killed him some more over the years. The only thing that felt unfinished—still feels unfinished—is the bowling alley, but I don’t know why.”
She starts with the standard questions then, asking me what part feel
s unfinished. She goes on to ask me how I handle this feeling in a productive manner. And several other probing questions.
Finally, I get to the part I need her help on, because it’s not the bowling alley dilemma.
“I kissed him,” I whisper.
She goes deadly silent.
“He’s started staying over, but he sleeps on the couch. We haven’t had sex, so don’t worry. But I did feel like I had to see him today, and he might be moving to Montgomery.”
Montgomery is too big… There will be too many times. New York City was too hard. Too many times being displayed. Countdowns—so many fucking countdowns. Too many people talking about being late. I had to wear noise-cancelling headphones with my music cranked up to full blast—one song over and over and over and over…
“Mika, you shouldn’t have moved there so soon. This is a very tricky situation. You’re not ready for a relationship. It takes a strong sense of control at a level you haven’t mastered yet to handle a healthy relationship and your own health at the same time. Have you told him about all your rules and restrictions?”
Swallowing a lump in my throat, I sit down.
“No. He doesn’t even know anything about this part of me or the accident. He still thinks I’m the same girl I was twelve years ago.”
A harsh breath falls between her lips, and I hear her ink pen clicking furiously in the background.
“Why hasn’t your brother addressed this?”
“He’s not here currently, and this started after he left.”
“He left you alone in a new town this early?” she asks in a deceptively calm tone.
“He has a life, Dr. Stein. His sole duty isn’t to me. I’d never, ever allow that. I’d go back to boot camp hell before I let Aidan give up any piece of himself to help me. I’m handling things well.”
“You’re not handling things if you’re in a relationship with a man who isn’t aware of your restrictions and rules. Sex was once a coping mechanism for you, Mika. Just like cutting. Destructive coping mechanisms aren’t healthy and could trigger a relapse into other destructive coping mechanisms. You know this.”
With Chase, sex as a coping mechanism doesn’t sound destructive. I wouldn’t feel disgusted with myself. I’d love every second of it. But that doesn’t mean he would. Being with me means giving up a lot of things that most people overlook or take for granted.
“Mika, I have another patient to see, but I want you to call me soon if possible. Okay? After hours. Call my cell phone and we’ll discuss this more thoroughly. In the meantime, please refrain from seeing him. Maybe the two of you could come see me, and it’s possible we could start building a foundation for a future for you with him if he’s serious about his commitment to you.”
Sheesh. I just started seeing Chase. There’s no way he would drive to New York to meet her, find out I’m bat-shit crazy, and come home to start living by all my restrictions. She has to know that.
“I’ll call you tonight or tomorrow, Dr. Stein.”