The Wildest Heart

He shook me, catching my shoulders with fingers that bit into my flesh like iron claws. “Answer me, damn you! Why did you say you would marry me? Was it only to make him jealous? Did you come here with me tonight only to make sure I would not finish the job of killing him?”

I whispered, “Did you want to kill him? You could have, and you didn’t. And was it only because of me that you were so angry? I think you have always been jealous of Lucas, you have always resented him… and I provided a convenient excuse, didn’t I?”

Outside I could hear the sound of the rising wind, and the thunder sounded louder. Or was it thunder? I thought I heard voices; the sound of horses’ hooves, and something of my sudden apprehension must have shown in my face, for Ramon suddenly became still as he watched me narrowly.

He put his face close to mine, and I smelled the wine on his breath. This time I would not answer him; I made myself stare coldly up at him, and his laugh was an ugly sound.

“A short while ago you were hysterical. Do you realize that it was the first time you have ever showed any real emotion? But it was not for me, it was for my brother. Even when he slapped your face, and then took you in his arms… even when you struck him there was feeling there, was there not? And to me you have never showed more than a condescending tolerance. Even now. Why is it you have not struggled or screamed? Why did you pretend to kiss me back a few moments ago?”

I was stung into replying. “Why did you drag me in here? If it was only to hurl abuse at me, I wish that you would say whatever else you have to say, and let me go!”

“As easily as that, eh? And you think that everything will be all right in the morning. Would you still marry me after all that has happened?”

“That is up to you, isn’t it?” I countered. “I think you are not yourself tonight, Ramon. In the morning…”

“In the morning! You think the rising of the sun will make things different? My God, how cold and how calm you are! You lie here in bed with me, and you speak of tomorrow. Do you think I cannot see the calculation in your eyes? ‘Tomorrow Ramon will be himself again; he will apologize for his bad behavior, and things will go on as they were.’ How easy to manipulate you must have thought me! You and my mother and Lucas! Well, I tell you that I am not finished with you yet. After the way you have behaved, I have a right to find out what I am getting. A block of ice, or a woman!”

Suddenly Ramon sat up, ripping my gown down the seam from waist to hem with one long, vicious movement. I made an involuntary gesture to cover myself, and he laughed.

“There’s no need for modesty between us now! Tonight I fought for your honor and gained you as the prize. And what a prize!” His voice thickened as he gazed down at me. “A woman who does not need to wear those hideous corsets to improve her figure, a woman with a body as slender and beautiful as a dancer’s. How lovely you looked, even when you were dressed as an Apache squaw. No wonder even Julio wanted you! You have a body and a mouth meant for passion and for pleasure. Perhaps it is only a matter of teaching you how to feel both.”

He had already begun to undress, still watching me. The gown I had worn lay in pieces on the floor, along with my petticoats, and the thin chemise I had worn under it was ripped down the front, to the waist, hardly sufficient to hide anything from his hot, ardent gaze.

I forget what went through my mind during the next few moments. The last thing I remember thinking, as he turned down the lamp and came to me, was that I must not think of Lucas! All it had been was a physical, carnal attraction—an animalistic thing. Perhaps Ramon’s possession of me would wipe it out. I could not help the stiffness of my limbs when Ramon pulled the chemise over my head, nor my instinctive shudder of revulsion when he began to caress me. I began to think of the promises I had made to myself when I left England, that I would be completely free, that I would never allow any man to use my body again. And yet, it was happening once more, and I had done nothing to prevent it. This was my punishment for the ugly, uncontrollable feelings that Lucas Cord’s touch and kisses had aroused in me. Why could it not have been Ramon instead who set my pulse racing and my heart pounding so hard I thought it might burst from my body? Why couldn’t I feel, or at least pretend to feel?

Ramon tried to arouse some kind of response in me. He kissed me,

he was gentle with his caresses. But I could give nothing in return. His body was warm, his flesh smooth to the touch. His embrace, at first, had nothing of the roughness and brutality I had experienced from his brother.

“Hold me, Rowena,” he whispered. “Put your arms around me, let yourself relax. I swear I will try not to hurt you.” And a little later, his voice roughened by passion, “For God’s sake! Do you find it so hard to kiss me back? Why do you lie so still?”

I felt like a wooden puppet, and soon he lost his patience and became cruelly rough.

“What does it take to turn your coldness into warmth? Is it force you enjoy? Is it harshness?”

His kisses became hurtful, when I tried to twist my head aside he wrapped his fingers in my hair to hold me still and kissed me until I was breathless and gasping with pain and anger. His kisses were like blows, leaving bruises down the side of my neck and across my breasts. And in the end, when I could not help struggling against him, he took me by force, the pain of his entry making me cry out. And when it was over at last, I felt bruised and empty and degraded as he had meant me to feel, I think, when he had first brought me up to his bedroom.

I tried to rise, when he finally rolled off my body, but he pushed me back against the pillows. “In such a hurry to leave already? No—I have not done with you yet!”

Dully, I watched him walk across the room, and the lamplight became brighter, hurting my eyes. And now he was watching me, his mouth twisted in a sneer.

“No blood on the sheets? I see now that your coldness was all for me. Perhaps you showed another side of your nature to the man who took your virginity! Tell me, as a matter of curiosity, who was he, Rowena? Was it Shannon? Was it Lucas? Was that why you suddenly agreed to marry me? An available, gullible fool, eh? Were you looking for a convenient father for the child you may be carrying?”

I sat up, feeling bruised all over, forcing my eyes to meet his levelly.

“Oh, Ramon! What does it matter? You’ve had what you wanted from me, why can’t we leave it at that? You don’t have to marry me.”

He walked toward me, and I think he expected me to shrink away from him in shame and fear, but I would not do so. I stood up and faced him, with no attempts at false coyness.

“Marry you? Do you think I want secondhand goods? No, not for all your money would I marry you now that I know you for what you are! A lying, cheating bitch!”

He slapped me, hard and unexpectedly, sending me floundering back against the bed. “You will tell me, damn you! Who was he? Or was there more than one man? God, when I think how pure and untouchable I thought you were, with your cool and haughty manners and your way of holding yourself aloof—but it was only for me, wasn’t it? How did you intend to account for your slightly shopworn state? Answer me!”

He raised his hand to strike me again and I rolled away from him, kneeling on the bed to face him.

“You want answers when you no longer have a right to ask me questions? Why don’t you use your knife on me too, Ramon? Or would you prefer to shoot me? You arrogant Spanish men with your stupid, empty talk of honor! You knew that I was brought here by force, and you closed your eyes to it. You took me by force, and now you’re disappointed to find I was not a virgin! But if I had responded to you, if I had played the whore, it would have satisfied you better, wouldn’t it?” I pushed the hair back from my face, past caution, past caring, and my eyes glared into his. “I’ll tell you why I hate men, Ramon. And I’ll tell you why my blood didn’t stain your sheets tonight. My stepfather raped me, when I was only eighteen. And you’re the only other man who has had me since. Not Todd, not Lucas. Yes, even he, in his way, was too much of a man to try to take me by force, even when he had me at his mercy in the Apache camp!”

Ramon’s face had changed; he was staring at me with a strange look in his eyes: as if he did not want to believe me, for his own pride’s sake. “And now perhaps you wish he had taken you. I saw the way you two were kissing, remember? And yesterday, after you had cut your fingers with the knife, it was Lucas you wanted to see. It is always Lucas! It is because of him that I am trapped here, as if I too had been a criminal. My mother—when Lucas is here she does not care for her own sons. And Luz—and now you. Well, at least I had you first! It is one thing he cannot take away from me.” He caught my look and gave a strangely twisted smile. “You are thinking that I must hate him very much. You said so before. It is an odd thing. I do not hate him, but there are times when I do not like him either. And yet he is my brother; there is that bond between us. And you—for all your talk of hate, I think you feel the same way. I think that if it had been Lucas who brought you to his room tonight, your reactions might have been very different!”