Surrender to Love

By then the white heat of anger that had made her hurl her questions at him had been replaced by a growing coldness inside her that even the cognac she swallowed far too fast could not stop from spreading, until she felt as if she had been turned into a statue carved out of ice. And still she had persisted with her questioning, just as if she needed to have her wound probed to see if she was still capable of feeling anything at all. “Why? Nicholas, at least tell me why? I think...perhaps I could understand better if you could explain... ?”

“You might find my explanation difficult to understand, I’m afraid.”

Afterwards, when she was lying on her back in her bed staring at the moving shapes and shadows thrown on the ceiling by the fire, Alexa found that she could remember every word he had said and the sound of his voice and his profile against the reddish fireglow as he stood with one elbow leaning on the mantelpiece and told her, actually in a detached kind of way, as if what he was telling her was no longer of any consequence to him, or had happened to somebody else.

“There’s a point, after some time, when you know you have to find some way of escaping from the pain, and I escaped by going inside myself and separating what was in my mind from what was happening to my bo

dy. I had to stop feeling, Alexa. It was the only way. And after that it really didn’t seem to matter, you see. There were times when my body felt pain and protested; but it had nothing to do with me, because I lived in my mind. But you don’t really see at all, do you?” He had turned his fire-shadowed face towards her then and reached out to touch one of the curled ringlets that hung down to frame her face. “I’m sorry if I’ve proved a disappointing husband, my dear, but I’m sure that once you’ve had time to think of the advantages of this kind of polite marriage, you’ll end up considering yourself lucky.”

Chapter 51

Her husband had already left the house to conduct more mysterious business arrangements when Alexa had herself driven to Lincoln’s Inn Fields to see her solicitor regarding an annulment of her marriage on grounds of nonconsummation. It was a farce, a sham. And worst humiliation of all, it had been forced upon him— she had been forced upon him—and he had made it quite clear that he neither wanted nor desired her and preferred to spend as much time as possible away from her. It was intolerable, and all she wanted was her freedom again.

Used to nothing but understanding and sympathy from Mr. Jarvis, Alexa was understandably taken aback when he told her bluntly that he must, in all good conscience, advise her not to be a fool. And so would any other person, lawyer or friend.

“But I do not think, then, that I have managed to make myself quite clear!” Alexa cried indignantly. “How can you expect me to live under such conditions? And last night—the day after our wedding, mind you—he had the bad taste to invite two well-known courtesans to dinner in my home, and I was forced to be gracious to them while he and his newfound cronies lingered over their after dinner port. Do you think me foolish not to accept that? And all he said when I spoke to him on the subject was...” Alexa had to force herself to pause and breathe deeply before she could continue, “was that he felt sorry for me because I had changed into a pious hypocrite like all the others! Must I put up with his insults too in addition to everything else?” Without thinking of what she was doing, Alexa had sprung out of her chair to begin prowling about the small room until Mr. Jarvis’s mild voice checked her. “Please, Lady Alexa, I must beg you to resume your seat so that I do not give myself a stiff neck trying to follow you about the room. And if you will only listen to what I have to say in extenso before you... Ah, thank you.” As Alexa subsided stiff-backed into her chair again Mr. Jarvis gave her an old-fashioned inclination of his head before he went on to say quite firmly: “My dear Lady Alexa, I feel it is my duty to advise you that in this case you have everything to gain by remaining married to Viscount Embry—and everything to lose if you are too precipitate. Divorce is an impossible thing for a woman, you know, unfair as it may be; and to obtain an annulment can sometimes be almost as impossible in some cases when it can be proven that—ahem!—that the wife is no longer virgo intacta if you take my meaning! And, as reluctant as I am to mention such a delicate subject, there remains the possibility that you might be with child. No, no, please allow me to finish.” Alexa had opened her mouth to protest angrily but now she bit her lip instead and forced herself to listen to a speech she did not care to hear, as Mr. Jarvis steepled his fingers and continued in his dry voice: “Most men, you know, would not be so fair-minded and gentlemanly as to ensure that all of the monies left to you by your late husband be legally settled on you once more with only a few small conditions attached—once they had already gained control of everything that was yours through marriage. I must tell you that I consider Lord Embry’s decision most generous under the circumstances.”

“You call him generous to give me back what is rightfully mine and dare attach conditions to his doing so? What conditions? Oh, I am afraid, Mr. Jarvis, that I have other words that fit better than ‘generous’!” Alexa leaned forward with her eyes flashing and her teeth clenched together in a manner that reminded Mr. Jarvis uncomfortably of a wildcat ready to pounce, as she repeated between her teeth, “What conditions?”

He said hastily: “Only two, my dear Lady Alexa, only two. The first is that you do not give away any money or property hereafter, such as was the case with Lord Deering, you remember. And the second is that if you—hem—happen to take a lover, well then—control of the money, of everything, goes back to your lawful husband. Although of course in the case of his death he has taken the precaution to make provision that it will then revert to you again without any conditions at all. And if you will consider everything in the light of reason you will realize for yourself that...”

Unable to bear any more, Alexa erupted onto her feet again as she exclaimed in a voice shaking with infuriation: “Oh, but I have already realized quite clearly what he is about, I assure you. He doesn’t want me, but nobody else can have me either, isn’t that it? Why, the bastard! The vile, conniving... No, I won’t offend your ears again by swearing, Mr. Jarvis, but if Lord Embry thinks to keep me tame and as celibate as he says he is, why then...” Alexa gave vent to a burst of wild, almost hysterical laughter that made Mr. Jarvis blanch before she said in a softer tone of voice that seemed even more menacing for that very reason: “Then he will have to follow me everywhere I go, Mr. Jarvis, to make sure of me. And I’ll make it as difficult as I can for him to do so, and I will take as many lovers as I please all the same. If he catches me in flagrante delicto—you see, I remember my Latin—then I lose my money; but I shall make myself rich again by my own efforts. I wonder how my husband Viscount Embry will like the idea that his wife has become a whore? Oh yes, Mr. Jarvis, I assure you that I would make a very good harlot if I put my mind to it. Perhaps my aunt will help me to get started? Or...”

“For God’s sake!” the usually imperturbable Mr. Jarvis was shocked into saying. “I implore you to be careful of saying such things, even if you don’t mean them. If you will only take the time to reflect quietly and soberly... I was too blunt perhaps and might have seemed lacking in understanding for your plight, but you must understand that I was only stating facts and reminding you of what the law is. If there is anything I could do...”

“There is nothing that you can do, Mr. Jarvis, and I appreciate both your uncomfortable position and your frank relation of certain facts,” Alexa said quietly as she began drawing on her gloves. “But all the same I intend to do exactly as I just stated if he drives me to it; and that is a fact too. Thank you for your time, and please remember to give my regards to Lady Margery. You might tell her that I am planning to go off to Spain in search of the warm sun with my grandmother as my chaperone. The thought of a cold English winter and an even colder bed holds no appeal for me! Good afternoon, Mr. Jarvis.”

It seemed as if all her rage and all the hurt it covered had suddenly turned into one cold, solid mass that occupied all the space inside her, so that in the strangest way she could almost understand what Nicholas had tried to explain to her last night even though she could not forgive him for what he had done to her. Cajoled her, coaxed her, pursued her and wooed her; taught her what passion meant and what ecstasy was—made her want him and long for everything he could make her feel, even if it was against her will. And then, he had rejected her. Not for revenge, not out of hate. She could have understood those strong emotions and accepted them with better grace than she could deal with his indifference. Hamlet—she had always despised his eternal vacillation even if she enjoyed his soliloquies. “Get thee to a nunnery...go!” How casually he had dismissed poor Ophelia, whom he had once courted ardently; and how easy her husband had found it to force her into a nunlike existence, or so he must have thought. Let him continue to think so while he lived his detached existence inside himself that was centered around himself, until such time as she chose to let him discover what she was up to.

In her present mood, Alexa found that she no longer cared who might see her or what they might say when she sent her own carriage back home and took a hansom cab to visit her Aunt Solange.

If Madame Olivier did not profess herself overjoyed to see her wayward niece again, she did not reprove her for arriving without warning either, her only comment at first being: “Well! I had hardly expected to see you here again after getting yourself remarried—with Newbury giving you away and the old witch herself in attendance, so I’m told. You deserve to be congratulated for managing such a coup.”

Later, after they had each had a second glass of the excellent champagne she always kept on hand for her best customers, Solange said brusquely: “Well, hadn’t you better come out with it? You didn’t expect to pull any wool over my eyes with your light and airy chatter, I should hope.” But when Alexa told her what she planned to do if she was forced to it her aunt burst into rich, genuine laughter. “Ma pauvre petite! Where is your head? Pah, if you worked for me I can guarantee you wouldn’t last long. I told you before that you’d never make a good whore because you’re not detached enough. And for all you think you’ve learned, my girl, you know nothing at all of the reality of doing it yourself with a different man every hour, which is a lot different from talking about how to do it or watching other people do it, as you’d find out at once. Listen, and I’ll give you some free advice for the last time. Why don’t you face up to the truth you’re trying to hide from yourself? You’re a fool, that’s evident, and you’re in love with the bastard you’re married to—like the idea or not. Merde! If that’s the way it is why don’t you stop acting like a spoiled little child throwing a tantrum to get attention and go after what you really want instead? That’s what I would do.”

No! Alexa told herself rebelliously when she was on her way back home. No, no, no! She felt like screaming it out loud. How could her Aunt Solange, who had never known her until a few months ago, pretend to understand her well enough to divine her deepest emotions? She was not in love with Nicholas Dameron; she never had been. All she had felt for him was something she had already admitted— want. Physical desire. An animal craving that had affected her body, perhaps, but never her mind. All the same, by the time Mr. Bowles had opened the door for her with a reproachful look, Alexa’s mood had become more thoughtful than defiant, although she had not changed her mind, she told herself. Not about anything.

“His Lordship came back and left less than a half hour ago, my lady. He asked me to remind you that you had asked a Miss Howard from Ceylon to dinner tonight and desired that you offer his apologies for his absence since he had a previous engagement to dine at his club. Also, Cook wishes to know...”

“Thank you, Bowles. You may send Cook upstairs to me in fifteen minutes. And please be sure to send a carriage for Miss Howard at seven precisely. I will give you her direction before then.”

There was no point in dissolving into tears or throwing temper tantrums that would do her no good. He had decisively set the pattern of their relationship and had made it clear what it was to be. And as Harriet reminded her later, now that she was a married woman she must be prepared to entertain and make calls and keep herself busy running her household and fulfilling social obligations. There was also charity work....

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Aunt Harry! What you are advising me to do, in other words, is to keep myself busily immersed in complete dullness, until I myself become dull and stupefied and won’t care about anything any longer!”

“Well, my dear, you must admit that it beats moping about being discontented and vinegarish! And the reason I brought the subject up is because it’s quite obvious to me that something’s not right with you and with your marriage when a young and newly wed couple feel more comfortable with a chaperone about. Now, why else would you both positively beg me to come

down to the country with you when you’re still supposed to be on your honeymoon?”

Alexa had sipped her wine and given a lift of one bare shoulder at that, hoping that she had not given too much away earlier. “It’s because honeymoons... That kind of thing is so old-fashioned, after all. And my marriage to Embry is a matter of convenience for us both—a mariage de convenance in the modern style where we each have our own friends and pursue our own interests. Why, I plan to go very soon to Spain—perhaps to Portugal and the south of France as well— without Embry, of course. I think the Dowager Marchioness Adelina will accompany me as my chaperone. Do you not find that quite ironic and amusing?” She had managed a light, gay laugh at Harriet’s sourly foreboding expression and said coaxingly: “ Please, Aunt Harry. Why don’t you come along too? Then I shall have two chaperones, and we’ll have such a capital time, I’m sure. Adelina knows everyone of any consequence there, and we shall be staying at castles and private villas and...oh, you would love it, I’m sure. Besides, I do trust you and I don’t her—not one bit. We only use each other and my...and Newbury won’t let her go this year unless I do, so you see...”

“I see that you are sailing in very dangerous waters, my dear, and I can only hope that you’ll be very careful indeed. What does your husband think of this plan of yours?”

“Embry? Why, I haven’t told him yet, but he won’t care a fig anyhow—he’s always so busy with business and his own amusements. Please say you’ll come, Aunt Harry. And if I become too foolish you can advise me.”

“We’ll see, we’ll see,” Harriet said in the end when Alexa kept on begging her to come. But she didn’t like any of it. She was glad, however, that she had agreed to go down to the country with the girl, because she obviously needed some stable companionship. There was a brittle quality to the brilliance of her smile and the gaiety of her manner that hid nerves strung tight. Something was very, very wrong; but she could hardly ask bluntly what it was while they were still becoming reacquainted. Perhaps, after they had spent enough time together, Alexa might feel ready to confide in her and there might be something she could do to help. Harriet had not been able to shake off her feelings of guilt for what had happened and had almost happened that time in Ceylon; although as to what had led up to it all—she had always thought that what she had done was for the best.

Chapter 52