“I’m sorry too, kiddo. We should have been more aware, more involved. There’s no excuse good enough for how we’ve all failed each other.” His words are a balm to my soul. Declan was right, I fucked up in a huge way, but maybe it wouldn’t have started if they had been more involved in my upbringing. We would never know. We could only move forward.
From the corner of my eye, I see Landon scowl. He hates me.
“You’re going to let her off the hook? Just like that?” he snaps.
“Landon.” Cecilia’s horrified murmur was like a whip cracking in the silent room.
“No, sweets, I get it. You’re a better person than me. You’ve forgiven her; I haven’t.”
The anger in his voice has my body trembling. I feel Declan’s hand reach for mine. Shaking off both him and my father, I step towards Landon, wanting to clear the air once and for all.
“Tell me,” I command in a stronger voice than I thought I had.
His eyes dart to mine, and I know we’re about to have a come to Jesus moment. “You fucked up,” he growls.
“In a huge way,” I confirm.
“You keep screwing up.”
Keep? I’m confused by that. I’ve made my bed, and I have to lie in it, I know this, but I don’t believe I’ve done anything since being arrested to warrant a present tense term. “Keep? How?”
His eyes narrow on me. “You’re hiding something. Frankly, until you can be up front about however you’re fucking up now, you shouldn’t even be here.” The coldness in his gaze makes me suck in a sharp breath to hide my hurt.
“I warned you,” Declan snarls at him.
Looking at the man who wants to own every piece of my soul, I finally conclude that this isn’t for me.
Happiness.
Love.
Life.
It’s not mine, it never was.
“It’s fine, Declan,” I murmur, and I can tell he isn’t happy, but he’ll give me the chance to stick up for myself. “I know I was an accident. I never should have happened, and my actions in the past, especially in the last few years have shown the type of person I am. You hate her, I get that, I hate her too. She’s a damn bitch.” Taking a breath, I look back to my parents and smile sadly at them. Cecilia has tears in her eyes. “I never deserved the things I was given; didn’t want them either. Do you know what I dreamed of, Landon? More than a fancy car that I know you financed or more than designer clothes?”
“What?” he snaps.
“To be like you.” His eyebrows draw together in confusion. “To be a success. All on my own, I’m nothing. I’m a nobody, and I’ve known that for a long time. So I tried to mimic everything you’d ever done. I studied hard, joined the cheer team because sports weren’t something I was good at. I tried so hard to be someone to be proud of. It never happened, of course, and that’s okay. I see it now. I was never meant to be anything.”
My words are met with Cecilia’s sniffing, but Mom and Dad’s silence confirms what I already know. It’s time to leave. Declan grabs my hand before I even have to say anything. The look on his face screams murder and mayhem, and I know I don’t deserve him. I’m either pissing him off or running from him.
Before we take a step, Landon grabs my arm. “You were never a fucking accident,” he soothes, looking me in the eye. More emotion than I’ve ever seen are in my big brother’s gaze, and I wish I could believe him. I so do.
A quick glance to my parents, and I reply, “It’s too bad they don’t share the same sentiment.” His glare shoots to their still quiet parents. Maybe they are shocked, maybe they don’t want to lie. Either way, I’m on emotional overload and know it’s time to leave. My skin is itching to the point that I almost can’t contain the need to scratch the skin away.
“Ashley,” my mom finally speaks up a bit timidly.
Glancing back to her, I give her a sad smile and say, “Sometimes, we have to realize who we are and what we’re meant for in ways we won’t always understand. I was never supposed to be.”
Letting go of Declan’s hand, I walk straight out the front door. I can hear him as I sit on the back of his bike, closing my eyes, awaiting the abandon of a long, hard ride or release.
“What the fuck is wrong with you people? She isn’t even asking for forgiveness. She’s asking for acceptance.” Someone says something, probably Dad, but I can’t hear it. “You should have fucking told her that!”
I hear the front door slam shut, his angry stride rushes towards me, and then for a moment, I feel like I’m flying free from my body. I hear nothing, see nothing. There isn’t anything more important in this split second than the freedom I feel.
I don’t comprehend Landon walking up to Declan and telling him, “I’ve seen that look, man. Watch her. She’s lost in another universe. She used to do that when she was a kid. Her eyes go blank. She’ll seem high when she comes back from wherever her mind has taken her to protect her from pain.”