“I want to understand everything, Ash. I read about you for a week. I studied you like a bug under a microscope, so I knew every facet there was to you. And yet, when you confronted me, I was even more confused about who you were. You’re not some spoiled rich bitch looking for a free ride. You’re taking the punishment for your actions better than anyone I’ve seen. Why?”
How to answer that without sounding like a moron? I haven’t spoken about the day I hurt Cecilia to anyone since it happened. Taking a deep breath, I give it my best shot.
“When I saw the way Landon behaved with Cec from the moment he spotted her, I was seething inside. I had a boyfriend, and not once had he ever looked at me like that. He never tried to track me down the way my brother had her. I was so jealous and angry. To know that someone was that desperate for me? I’d have fought like hell to be perfect just for them. I would have done anything to feel half of what my brother did.”
“Why’d you stay with him then?” The angry snarl in his voice would have been funny if I couldn’t tell that he was pissed about me talking about another man.
“He was safe? Maybe. I don’t know honestly. Breaking up with him would have meant being alone, and I was so tired of being alone.”
“Didn’t you have friends?”
What a fucking joke. “I had girls I hung out with. I would never call any of them a friend. I can’t remember the last time I had one. Those girls stuck around because I had money at my fingertips. I could party until I passed out, and no one was ever the wiser. I was nothing more than a cash cow, and it took me a long time to realize that. I finally understood why Landon hated me so much. I used him the same way they used me.” A sad smile forms on my lips thinking of the damage I’ve caused.
“You were a selfish fucking brat.” His words sting. “That doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve to be loved by the people who should have recognized what you needed for a long fucking time.”
I’m not sure how to react to that, so I move back to the reason we are even talking about it. “My cellmate, she was a real bitch, worse than I ever was. Hard to believe, I know.” I try to lighten the moment; he scowls. “She used to pack her socks with soap and beat me awake while I was sleeping. Cracked two ribs doing it once.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Why does no one know that shit?” He explodes with rage.
I place my hands over his as they tighten on my thighs. “Being a rat in prison wasn’t the rep I wanted. I was already the bitchy white girl. I didn’t need rat tagged on the end of it.” Smiling, I try to soften my words.
“Fuck!” He angrily scrubs his face with both hands. “I’m sorry you had to fucking go through that shit.”
“It is what it is. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last eighteen months or so, it’s that everything happens for a reason. Hurting Cecilia that last time, having my parents find out what a disgrace I am, that’s all lead me to…” I bite my lip, unsure of whether to say it or not.
“Lead you to what?” he demands.
“You,” I whisper softly.
“Fucking right it has.” His hands smooth up the tops of my thighs.
“Are you going to tell Zach?” I can’t meet his eyes. I don’t want to know if he’s lying.
“Yes and no,” he responds quietly.
Perplexed, I dart a quick look to see his face. “I don’t understand.”
“I have to give him something. He asked me to get close to you, find out everything.” Before he’s finished, my body scoots up the bed at the thought that he’s used me. “Don’t fucking do that, cupcake,” he snaps.
“Do what?” I lash right back. “You used me!” A tear rolls down my cheek at the mere thought of it. “I shouldn’t be surprised, though. Right? I’m just some poor white rich bitch, only good for a fuck and a game.” Disbelief and anger mar his features. “It’s all right, Declan, you’re not the first to do it, but you’ll damn well be the fucking last.”
Crawling out of bed, I start to grab a discarded shirt from the floor when he snatches my shoulder, spinning me around so fast I nearly lose my balance. If not for his hand driving straight for my throat and pinning me to the wall, I would have hit the floor for sure.
Irate puffs of his breath hit my face as he struggles to say what I see in his eyes. “Stop fucking pushing me away. I’m too old for these damn games, and woman, I won’t put up with your shit. You’re mine, never fucking doubt that. But don’t you ever try and lash out at me like that again. Are we fucking clear?”
I should be frightened. The seething anger pulsing from his solid frame screams out that I should be terrified.
So why aren’t I?
Declan
This fucking hot and cold bullshit is coming to an end. I won’t tolerate her insecur
ities or her pushing me away. I didn’t have all the information when I took this job, but I do now. She’s fucked up in more ways than I could have ever guessed.
Self-mutilation was not what I ever imagined her doing. From all that I’d gathered on her, I assumed she was too self-absorbed to disfigure herself. I realize I’m obligated to tell Zach something; nevertheless, I have no intention of letting anyone in on how messed up in the head she is right now. That’s a secret she’s going to have to reveal when she’s ready. And I’ll be around every step of the way.
“Tell me something.” She nods. “Have I ever allowed you to think I was anything but obsessed with you?” She shakes her head as much as my grip allows. “Then why the fuck are you trying to turn this situation around on me?”