Looking up at his question, she gave it some thought. What was her biggest fear?
“They’ll find me lacking,” she whispered looking at her drawing and searching for acceptance in their eyes.
“Kennedy?” he called softly. Looking up at him she waited. “T
ell me what happened.”
She watched his eyes, waiting for judgment, for some hidden intent, finding nothing there but genuine concern and acceptance. Acceptance that she found what she desperately needed more than air.
She told him.
Everything.
Start to finish, leaving nothing out, holding nothing back, and found she was exhausted. From crying. From seeing it in her mind again. From reliving every strike, every stab felt like it was happening again. She could feel the knife slicing through her skin, embedding it’s way back into her mind.
Dr. Schroder was wrong.
She didn’t feel better.
She felt trapped in a world where the pain was her only friend.
Where the darkness was her fate.
Eight
She didn’t remember the drive home; it was like she was in a trance. Parked out front of her little cottage, hands on the wheel, she counted her breaths. Made sure they were coming because even though they were, she felt out of breath. Like her world was about to explode or maybe implode. Life was being sucked away just as she was starting to want to live again.
She didn’t know how long she sat there thinking about everything and nothing at all when movement from her periphery caught her attention. Turning her head, she watched as Linc and Creed raced each other along the beach, playfully slapping and tripping each other.
A spurt of jealousy slammed her so hard she lost her breath again. She had that once. The competition, the closeness, the easy-going relationship they had with her brothers… before. The desire to get it back was strong but the fear was stronger. Kennedy craved normalcy again, even though it was a pipe dream. She knew that; it was just hard to accept it.
When they started to wrestle in the sand, she wondered if they could accept her for who she was now and not who she used to be. Her family seemed stuck in the past. Fortunately, these men, they had no idea of what she was like before she was broken. They seemed to accept her at face value for who she had turned into, but that could be an illusion. And that terrified her more than anything else.
Quietly getting out of her car, she made her way to the front door. Entering, she went to her room in search of lighter clothes to change into given that when she’d woken up it was chilly, windy, and looked like it would rain. Now the sun was in full swing and there was no cooling relief in sight. Changing into shorts and a light crochet top with her bikini underneath, she went back downstairs.
Sneaking a look out the back door, she quickly checked to make sure the guys were still doing their thing before slipping away to where the rockaway was just a few hundred meters from her cottage. It was basically a cluster of rocks that led out into the sea a few hundred feet with a smooth top like a regular path would have.
She liked to sit there listening to the ocean and the mammals that sometimes made themselves known. Watch the sun set or rise. See how long it took before the pelicans and seagulls gave up their search of more fish.
Sometimes she thought of jumping in. The water crashed into the rocks too hard for anyone to actually survive. The thought of ending her suffering sometimes left her with a feeling of relief— not having to wake up to nightmares, to look in the mirror and see the broken girl she’d become. The shame she felt got to be so overwhelming sometimes she would drown in it.
But then just as she would decide to do it, she would get flashes of all the good in her life— her parents, her brothers, having Keeley around. Most predominant, though, was Linc and Creed.
Making it to the edge of the walkway nearly one hundred feet from shore, she stared at the swirling water, fascinated at the way it crashed into the rocks like an angry storm was brewing. The water reminded her so much of how her mind churned— never stopping, harsh, angry at the world. So much so that it wasn’t just an emotion for her anymore, it was more like a living, breathing entity. Always beside her, sitting on the edge as she drowns, and thriving right next to it was hate. She had so much hate running through her veins that it often felt like that’s all she was made up of— anger and hate.
When she wasn’t being sucked in by them, she was a pitiful mess of tears and shame. She hated who she’d become. She hated this weak girl that had replaced the feisty one. The one who used to grab life by the balls, who had goals and never ran from anything in life. The one who knew her place in the world.
“I hate you!” she screamed at the brief reflection she’d caught in the sea before a new wave shattered it.
“Kennedy!” Whipping around, she saw Linc and Creed running towards her at full speed. Like white knights, only darker, more menacing. They looked angry, scared, and sad all at once.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Creed yelled angrily at her, grabbing her shoulders and slamming her body into his.
“You weren’t going to, were you?” Linc asked softer, reaching for her chin and turning her head to face him.
Looking into his eyes she saw the fear. Raw. Sad. Cold. Everything she’d felt since she became this unknown girl.
“No, I wasn’t. I swear,” she whispered looking between the two of them.