Her words nearly destroyed his jaded heart. Creed could hardly contain his anger at the world in the moment she told them she just wanted to be safe. To have someone rescue her from her terror. It was like a knife to the gut. He could practically feel her fear; he fed off it. He needed to destroy that motherfucker again.
“Creedence.” At her soft word he looked to her. Tears in her eyes, she was trying to soothe his beast when she was the one who went through hell.
“What else, Sunshine?” he asked in a controlled voice.
“You,” she whispered simply.
“I don’t – “ She cut him off singing softly, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” She smiled as realization dawned on him. His voice singing to her brought her back. “Why did you choose that song, Creed?”
“Honestly?” At her nod, he wasn’t sure how to answer. “Before our mom got mean, she used to sing it to us when we were upset or scared. It helped. Stupid, I know, but that song was my fucking anchor for so damn long. I figured what could it hurt?” He felt foolish but it was the truth.
Satisfied with his answer, she looked back to the sea. They watched the lazy waves rolling across the water like they were stuck on repeat with no change.
“The thing is… you, that song… it took a while. I remember waking up that morning cramped under a dusty bed, hands knotted from being balled into tight fists all night ready to fight anything that came my way. I got out and it was like I was a completely different person. I’d changed; I was sadder. Deeper into my depression. I remember wandering out the back door, the sun was just beginning to crest over the sea the way it is now, and thinking that I wanted to touch it. Just one time to see the colors up close. They bounced off the sea in a beautiful kaleidoscope of rainbows all around me. It was the most stunning thing I’d ever seen in my life, but it wasn’t enough. That’s when I came out here for the first time, the rocks digging in my feet because the path hadn’t been swept of debris in ages.
I got to the edge and was mesmerized. I’d never been so close to the sun before, and I thought if I just jumped in and swam a little ways away, I’d make it. Foolish really, but I was in some weird trance-like state. When a cloud that hadn’t been there moments earlier blocked it and I lost sight, everything came rushing back. The pain, the hurt, all of it. I remember looking into the water, watching as the waves crashed harshly against the rocks, and thinking it would only hurt for a moment and then there’d be nothing. The torture, the scars, the imperfect and broken girl would just be… Gone. She wouldn’t feel anymore and the pain would turn to bliss.”
Creed was shocked, fucking stunned, and scared as all hell more than he’d ever been in his life. Knowing how close she’d come to taking her own life shook him to his core, scared him in ways even the most radical terrorists didn’t. He couldn’t believe the beautiful, warm creature before him had nearly taken her own life because she was so lost and alone. He didn’t know what to say, how to feel. The betrayal he certainly felt was unwarranted and irrational as fuck though.
“Just like that? You were going to jump? Kill yourself? Leave everyone who gives a fuck about you wondering what the fuck happened to you forever?” he demanded angrily, irrationally. He knew it too; he just couldn’t help it.
·?•? ?•?·
She knew they would hate her. God, did she know, and it didn’t make it hurt any less. If anything, it tore her apart more knowing she was right. They saw her as weak and selfish, and she was. She didn’t think of anyone in that moment but herself. It was one of the most lucid moments of her life.
“Please, Creed, please understand I was in such a horrible place, and nothing, not a fucking thing was looking like it would get better. I was lost and alone. I had no – “
“Who’s fucking fault was that, Kennedy? You were the one that ran away!” he interrupted.
Dirt.
She was lower than dirt.
Which seemed fitting with just how dirty she was.
“Creed!” Linc hissed.
“Don’t fucking do it, bro! She was ready to leave you, too. She didn’t know she was ours then, but she sure as fuck is now!” he yelled to his brother, grabbing her chin and forcing her to look him in the eye. What she saw sucked the air from her body.
Possession. Claiming. Ownership. He was making a stand, and she was the prize.
“You get it now?” he asked so quietly she’d almost have missed it if it weren’t for the threat behind his words.
Nodding her head in agreement to what she didn’t quite understand, but one thing was clear, there was no turning back now.
She was theirs.
“Tell me something, Kennedy.” At her nod, Linc asked, “Other than that time, did you ever think about it again?”
Shame slammed her. She had often. Sometimes daily. But there was no way to make these big, strong men understand how broken her mind had been, still was. Some days she didn’t even understand.
Not looking at either of them because she didn’t want to see the disgust and disappointment that she was sure she’d see on their faces, she confessed, “I did. More often than I’d like to admit. Some days I’d just be sitting down and the shame would slam into me like a sharp knife slicing through my skin. I would get overwhelmed with it. So much so that I would close my eyes and I could picture myself free falling into warmth. I’d been cold for so long, I just wanted to feel again.” Pausing for a breath and to try and dislodge the lump in her throat she continued. “When I would fall, it was like I was landing on a cloud or something; so soft and warm that you never wanted to get up again. But then, just as I would accept it, accept that my life was over, that this was the end, I would hear it.”
“Hear what?” Creed asked softly, sitting beside her again.
“Smooth whiskey and a lullaby.” It was huge to her but to them, it was probably nothing. “The first time I heard Linc talk all I thought about was how smooth and gravelly his voice was, just like fine whiskey. I’d have followed him anywhere. His voice would calm my nerves in ways the drugs never could. When you sang to me, though, Creed, I could feel my soul leaving my body. I was ready to give up. Done. That was it for me.”
“Sunshine…” The emotion in Creed’s voice as he called her that nearly broke her but she forced herself to continue. “Then I heard those notes in this deep, dark voice rough with emotion, dragging me back. You caressed me in a way I’ve never felt before, never dreamed of feeling again. Anytime the darkness became too much I would hear it and that song; your singing brought me back. I would dream of your voices. Never anything else, just the soothing sound of your voices. It became my drug, so much so that I would just close my eyes and I could hear you.”