Today is midterms and my paper has been done for weeks and in my cloud. I didn’t realize until an hour ago that I left my laptop at my house and I need it to send my paper to professor handsy. “Shit.” Luckily he has an office with a computer.
Walking into his office makes me miss him. He had to leave early today. Something about a case he is working on. He kissed me, grabbed this envelope and walked out. Sitting in his chair, I smile when a picture he and I took at this carnival we went to a couple of days ago. That was a fun day. He was a total big kid, playing all the games. By the time it closed, I had about six stuffed animals he had won me. See, he is amazing.
Surprised his computer doesn't need a password, I turn it on and all the blood drains from my face. I am looking at files and notes about me and my father dated back to weeks before I even met him. Photos of me coming and going with detailed descriptions of everything about me. My stomach begins to churn as everything I just ate threatens to come up. Using the mouse, I flick through file after file, each one making me more nauseous and making my heart break a bit more. My father was right. I was so stupid. I try to decipher what he is saying, his notes not making any sense. Why would he do this? Who is he really and what does he want with us? Was any of this real?
Finally I come to the last file and it is a piece of correspondence from the U.N. Well at least he didn’t lie about that. I don’t feel the tears falling down my face. It's amazing how quickly the body can become numb. I see them as they land on his desk like glass shattering and I think it is fitting. That is how my heart feels. A stronger person would stay here, confront him and give him a piece of my mind but I am far too weak. The love for him that consumed me, is not a poison eating me from the inside out and from with that, I have no strength.
Slowly, I drag myself upstairs and pack all I can into one bag. Full blown crying I look around this place I thought was going to be my home and I know I am never going to be the same.
The Uber home is something I don't remember. How could I? I spent it crying, wailing in the back seat of this poor mans car. He kept offering me tissues and hand sanitizer. Don’t ask. He could have kidnapped me for all I would have known. When we pulled up outside of my home, I suddenly felt lost, forlorn…without. I pull myself from the ride and trudge to the front door. Walking into the home I grew up in used to make me feel happy and safe, but now, I feel out of place. I don’t think I realized the extent of which Loeb’s place had begun to feel like mine as well.
What really hurts is that I am replaying things that should have given me a hint, pointed at what was happening but ignored. So much is making sense now, but the more it makes sense, the more pain I am in. My body can feel his fingers as he takes me over and over, gripping me to the point of bruises. His breath in my ear telling me how happy I make him, begging me to give him a son. What was I, a game? Spoils to the victor?
Standing in my bedroom, flashes of the clues I ignored are mocking me. Like finding underwear I had lost at his place. “Oh God.” I bend over, holding my stomach. He was in my room. When? Was I home? Sleep? I gasp as a memory of hearing his voice in my sleep telling me I wasn’t going to be staying here long comes back to me. Running, I barely make it to the toilet before everything comes up and disappears into the water. Too bad the memories can’t disappear too.
Crawling to my bed, I grab my remote for my Alexa radio desperately needing something to make noise, distract me, keep me company since I don't have his strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him, cocooning me in his warmth and protection. “Loeb.” I cry his name, the Nile river spilling from my eyes, as Jordan Sparks song No Air plays through the speakers. I listen, between sobs as she tells him how he took her breath away and now she has no air since she lost him. This song has always been a favorite of mine. I used to sit and think how beautiful it was to have a love so deep you suffocate without it. They say be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.