“I’ll pick you up at seven on Sunday night and take you out to dinner. After that, I’ll take you home and we’ll talk this out.” I wait expectantly for her agreement, and if she refuses to give it to me, I may just resort to extreme measures. This woman has me wound in knots that feel like they’re about to strangle me, and there’s nothing I won’t do to untangle those knots.
She watches me silently for another few moments, unaware that with each passing second, I’m moving closer to tipping point. Finally, she nods. “Sunday night at seven.”
I mentally exhale the breath I’ve been holding all week.
Thank fuck.
52
Lorelei
Sienna narrows her eyes at me when I arrive at her place Friday night. We’re having girls’ night in with wine, cheese, and our favourite eighties movies. She knows Flashdance, Footloose, and Dirty Dancing are my go-to movies when life gets too hard to deal with, and she always comes through for me with a night like this to talk it out over movies and wine. However, the way she’s eyeing me leaves me unsure as to whether I’m going to get my Patrick Swayze fill. She’s giving me the look she gives when she wants to ask me all the questions.
“You look worse than when I saw you yesterday morning. What happened between then and now?”
I dump the bag of cheese and crackers I brought on the kitchen counter and sigh. “Ashton happened.” We haven’t spoken since yesterday, so she doesn’t know he stopped by my office.
Her eyes widen. “Oh God,” she says, reaching into the fridge for a bottle of wine. “Tell me everything.”
While she fills our glasses, I fill her in on the conversation Ashton and I had. By the time I’ve told her everything, we’re sitting cross-legged on her couch and I’ve already finished my first glass of wine.
“So he doesn’t get where you’re coming from?” she asks, refilling my glass.
“No.” I take a sip of wine. “Do you think I’m being unreasonable? Like, honestly, tell me how you see this, because I’m completely confused as to what to do here. I can’t figure out if Ashton and I are too different to make a relationship work or whether I just have to buckle in and do the hard work hoping that in the end, it’ll all be worth it.”
She drinks some wine before launching in with her thoughts. “Okay, so we can agree that Ashton is probably used to getting his own way and that his nature is to always take charge. He strikes me as a guy who fixes problems, so that’s probably what he thinks he’s doing with the Boston situation—helping you with something you struggled with. I’m not saying he’s right or wrong, just that I think this is how he has always lived his life. It was the same with the Shandwick deal. He wanted to help you. He just handled the whole thing badly.”
I nod. “Yes, I agree. The thing I’m wondering is whether he’ll ever be able to see what he’s doing and if so, whether he’ll come to understand that I want to try to take care of things myself first before I ask for help.”
Her face softens as she pauses, watching me thoughtfully. “I guess the thing you have to decide is whether you’re willing to bend a little more than him in the beginning of your relationship, because I honestly think it may take Ashton some time to get used to meeting you halfway with some of this stuff. And also, while I hesitate to mention this, because I am on your side here, I think some of your insecurities are coming into play here. I don’t think you can blame this entirely on Ashton.”
“Oh God, I know,” I agree as I fall back against the couch. This is another reason I’m all twisted up over this argument with him. I know I’ve got insecurities a mile long getting in the way. I just don’t know how to force them out of the way.
Sienna reaches for some cheese and sips her wine as she thinks about what we’ve discussed. “You’ve always been Little Miss Independent, and I don’t see that completely changing. And any change you are able to make will be hard for you because it’s your default way of handling things. The other thing is this Willow Street development. That kind of stuff is in Ashton’s blood, and I don’t know if he’ll be able to see it from your perspective. I mean, maybe he’ll come around a little, but it’s not fair to expect him to change that part of himself for you. Just like it’s not fair for him to expect you to change your views. All you can do is try to find a middle ground. This is something that’s going to take work for both of you. The thing you have to decide is, do you want to do that work for Ashton? Do you think he’s possibly the guy you want to build a future with?”
My heart speeds up as I imagine a future with Ashton. This isn’t a question I even have to think about; I do want to build a life with him.
Sienna cuts into my thoughts. “Tell me your first thoughts you just had after I said that.”
“I do want him in my life, but—”
She shakes her head. “No, no buts yet. Those are the things to consider in a minute. First, I want to know how much you want him in your life. Is he the man you’d be willing to fight for, compromise for, and lay your life down for, or is he someone you’d walk away from if the hurdles got too big? Once you know the answer to that question, the ‘buts’ become the hurdles you need to prepare for, and we’ll start figuring them out in advance and work out strategies for how you’ll approach them.”
A smile slowly spreads across my face. This is one of Sienna’s superpowers. She’s a list maker, and she always gets through her lists. She just makes things happen. And she never tackles a problem without knowing it from every angle. Me? I have a tendency to get caught up in the “buts.” And sometimes I let them stop me from chasing my dreams.
“I want to fight for Ashton. I want him to be the man I learn how to compromise for, and the man I go to the ends of the earth for,” I say softly while internally pushing down all the “buts” my heart is trying to throw out, not to mention my greatest fear that even if I give my heart and soul to Ashton, I may still lose him.
I know it’s irrational to always fear the loss of people in my life, and over the years I’ve tried to get past this fear, but it lives deep inside me. It’s the reason why I keep most people at arm’s length, only allowing a few close. It’s also the reason why I’ve never given myself fully to a man.
“Okay,” she says with a smile, “Let’s get to work.”
I don’t know if Ashton and I can come to a middle ground. I don’t know if I’m truly capable of letting my independent streak ease enough for a man like Ashton to assert his dominant side, but I know I love him enough to try. That he’s given me this week tells me he loves me enough to try, too, because I don’t think it’s Ashton style to compromise like this. And that is everything to me.
53
Ashton
“If you ever grow tired of Lorelei Winters, Donna would be a good distraction,” Aaron Steele says on Friday night when he finds me at the party he forced me to attend. It’s the kind of event I’d usually avoid due to the lack of purpose to it, but Steele insisted he wanted to discuss business with me tonight.