Dirty Addiction (Dirty 2)

She presses play as she holds out her hand to Carter. I watch his hand. I watch him hesitate for the tiniest of milliseconds, considering holding her hand. It’s unfair of me to judge him so closely. I probably even made it up. I’m just torturing myself.

Carter takes a seat at the table near the TV that one of Lily’s assistants must have brought in, but he doesn’t take her hand. Lily drops her hand with a hint of disappointment on her pursed lips as she leans against the table, ensuring that she can be as close to Carter as humanly possible. I stay standing near the door. I might as well not even be here.

I try to pretend like I don’t care. That whatever happens on the TV won’t affect me. I know who Carter really wants. Me. Nothing else matters.

But, as they begin speaking, telling stories from high school that I know to be true, it feels less like pretend and more like a real thing between them.

“Give her a kiss,” the host says.

My heart sinks. It’s just a kiss, but it’s a kiss before millions of people on national TV. Something that I can never have. At least, not anytime soon.

I find my legs bringing me forward to watch what is happening on the screen as the crowd eggs them on, wanting them to show their affection in front of them. I walk until I’m standing only a foot from the TV.

I watch as the host asks again for them to kiss, knowing that she’s given the crowd enough time to get excited about the two of them. I watch as Carter leans over to Lily and kisses her. I watch his eyes close. I watch his tongue push into her mouth. I watch his hands tangle in her hair. I watch hi

m kiss her like I don’t exist.

I don’t. It was a lie. I just thought Lily and the world were the ones being lied to, not me.

“That was a genuine kiss, wasn’t it, Victoria?” Lily asks.

I nod because my throat is far too dry to speak.

“See? Victoria agrees. We should be together, Carter. Look at us on the screen. We look great together. If I remember correctly, the sex was amazing,” Lily says, inching her way toward Carter.

I can’t listen to this anymore, or I’m going to vomit or scream or wring both of their necks for letting me get involved in this mess between the two of them.

“I’m going to give you two a minute to figure out whatever is going on between you. I’ll be back in a half hour or so to figure out what the plan is,” I say, walking toward the door.

Carter pops up, running until he beats me to the door. “Stay.”

I shake my head. “You two have plenty that you need to work out.”

“Victoria,” he says my name.

One word, but I can tell everything he is feeling. Pain, scared, need, lust, sorry. All the feelings I need him to feel.

I scoot past him, walking out the door, telling him how I feel without a word. Betrayed.

I keep walking until I exit the building, until fresh air hits my face. I take a deep breath as I stand outside, able to really think for the first time all day. I’ll take a walk. Just circle the block a couple of times. Give Carter a chance to talk to Lily.

And then, when I come back, he can talk to me.

I walk briskly, trying to get as much of my frustration and pain out as possible. But walking quickly doesn’t help.

I try to reason with myself. I convince myself that their kiss meant nothing. It was just Carter acting, that he wants me, not Lily.

I try distracting myself. I think about Sailor, Amber, my mom. I have hardly talked to any of them since coming here.

I pull out my phone and dial Amber’s cell. Sailor isn’t out of school yet, but I can call and just check on my sister. I’ll call Sailor later in the day.

“Hi,” Sailor’s meek voice answers the phone.

“Sailor, what are you doing home from school? Are you sick or playing hooky?” I tease, happy. Whatever reason my niece is home, it means I get to talk to her for a few minutes, lighting up my day.

“Amber didn’t drive me to school.”

My heart sinks. “What do you mean? Sailor, can you put Amber on the phone? I’ll talk to you again in a second, I promise. I have a funny story to tell you about an old high school friend of mine.”