Dirty Addiction (Dirty 2)

“Oh, it was so romantic! We were in a limo, and…well, things got steamy,” Lily says, fake blushing. “But, Carter, you should really tell the story.”

Carter takes a deep breath. “I had rented a limo for the night because I wanted everything to be perfect. And it was. We started kissing. Then, one thing led to another, and our clothes were off. She was digging through my pants, looking for protection, when she found the ring. I proposed. But she was more worried about being with me than being very clear with her answer.

“The limo driver kept driving to our destination—a home that I bought for us to start our life together as a family. And I proposed again on the deck of the house, under twinkle lights and the stars. She said yes.”

“Oh my God, that is a romantic and steamy story,” the host says.

Carter smiles, but it’s fake. He hated retelling that story and replacing me with Lily. It hurt. My job here is done.

I walk toward the exit, feeling the weight of what I just did hit me harder and harder with every step. I just hurt a man whom, despite everything, I’m desperately in love with. A man who, minus a few flaws, is perfect for me in every way. I just ruined my chance at happiness with him.

I throw the door open and step outside, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to comfort myself, as I walk the two blocks to the nearest bar. I stop outside the bar and turn around, hoping that, just like in the movies, Carter will be there, running after me, about to give me some fantastic speech that will make me feel like we can be together. But he’s not there. No one is.

I’m all alone.

I need to get used to it. This is my life now.

16

Carter

The interview ends, but my relationship with Lily is just beginning thanks to Victoria.

She hurt me.

It felt like she ripped out my heart and then tore it into tiny little pieces. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think about anything other than the fact that she gave her engagement ring to Lily. It was a cold move forcing me into a fake engagement with Lily.

And I deserved every ounce of the pain she caused me. That much I know. Up until a few days ago, I have spent my whole life hurting Victoria. When we were kids I did it because it was fun and I was deflecting from my own pain, but as we got older I realized it was because I cared about her, but I was never good enough for her. But I couldn’t let anyone else have her.

I couldn’t let her beat me because that would only reinforce that I’m not good enough for her.

But now, neither of us win. Because we can’t be together.

I look over at Lily who is showing off her ring to everyone that will look at it backstage.

I do have a choice. I can tell the truth. I can let everyone know that Lily’s and I’s relationship is a farce. I can ruin my career along with Lily’s and probably Victoria’s. I can be selfish in order to have a shot with Victoria now.

Or I can do my penance. I can continue to pretend to have a relationship with Lily. Follow the plan that Victoria set in place and then try for a relationship with Victoria afterward.

I’m not sure I like my odds of either option working out. I’m a fixer. I fix things, but I have no idea how to fix my relationship with Victoria.

I duck out of the back door while Lily holds everyone’s attention. Apparently, no one cares about the guy in all of this. I don’t know what choice I’m going to make, I just know I need to talk to Victoria. If I can talk to her and see where she is at, then maybe I will know which choice I should make.

I run down the street hoping that she is still nearby. She would have wanted to stay and watch the interview. I know she would want to see the pain she caused burned into my mind. But I’m not sure where she would go afterward.

Alone. She would want to be alone. I look into the bars as I walk and stop dead in my tracks when I see her sitting at the counter of an almost empty bar. I grab onto the handle of the door as I watch her talking with the bartender.

I want to throw the door open and run over to her and carry her out. I want her to be mine. I want her to want me. I want her to forgive me for all the horrible things I’ve done. But I know looking at her now that I can’t. She’s not mine.

The only way she will ever be mine is to let her go. Show her that I’ve changed. That I would put her first above my own needs. And the only way to do that is to do what she wants. I have to pretend to be with Lily.

I just have no idea how to earn her forgiveness for all the pain I’ve caused her.

I take a step back and think about my options. I don’t have many. I duck into the next restaurant and ask the hostess for pen and paper. She hands me a napkin and her pen uninterested in what I’m doing.

I scribble down a note to Victoria and then give the hostess a twenty to deliver the note to Victoria. I stand outside as the hostess enters, but disappear before Victoria has a chance to come after me.

I can’t talk to her today. I can’t talk to her tomorrow. I can’t talk to her next week. It’s going to take a long time to undo the damage that I’ve done. But I’m willing to wait. However long it takes. A year. More.