“Not enough,” I say.
Luca studies my eyes and then confirms that I haven’t really been drinking. Not since Paige implemented her new rule. I’ve had maybe two drinks today since I also know, every other shot, she just fills with water, hoping I won’t notice. I noticed though.
He reaches in his pocket and then flips me the keys to his car. “Go get closure. Get revenge. Get even. Apologize. Whatever you fucking need, go get it.”
* * *
I started at her office, but she wasn’t there. I talked to her receptionist, who said she hadn’t been in, in weeks. Probably off fucking her new beau. I should warn him that she’s going to do the same thing she did to me to him. Fuck him, make him fall in love, and then rip out his heart.
I thought I was a monster. But she’s just as bad. No, she’s worse. Because I tell peop
le up front who I am. And, if they let me into their life, that is their problem. She pretends to be an angel for those less fortunate. She protects kids and gives them the help they need. But then she goes and hurts men without a second thought.
I tried her condo, but Archie wouldn’t let me up to see her. He looked sad when he talked to me. I finally got him to tell me that she wasn’t there, and her missing car from the parking lot confirmed it.
When I exited her building, I was swarmed with reporters. I ignored them all. I shouldn’t have. I should have told them the real reason for our divorce. That she cheated. Not the crap that she has been feeding them about a whirlwind romance that ended because we were too different and we realized our love would never last. That we were just together to help each other through a difficult time. I should leak the prenup agreement that she had me sign that caused me to fucking lose everything. Then, we will see whose side the media is on.
I can’t do that to her though, as much as I want revenge. I want her to feel exactly how I feel right now, but I can’t. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to hurt her like that. Because, for reasons I will never understand, I still love her.
And, if she did one thing for me, she helped me realize that, even though I don’t believe in lasting love, I shouldn’t destroy it for those who do. Because, just maybe, if a couple has a fighting chance to last forever, then they actually will.
Even if they don’t, I know I will never get the same thrill out of breaking a couple up again. Because every time I tried, I would be brought back to this feeling. This desperate, angry, sad feeling that I will never be able to escape from again because of her. But, for some stupid fucking reason, it makes me want to try again. Find some woman who can actually love me. That I could feel that way blows my mind the most.
I jump back in the car and start driving. First, I need closure. That is what Luca said. And, for once, I believe him. He’s been in enough relationships to know that, that is what I need right now.
I don’t know where else to look for her. I’m guessing that she’s in that asshole’s bed. But I have no idea where he lives, and that isn’t the best place to get closure. All I would end up doing is getting in a fight that could land me back in jail.
So, I just drive. I guess I’ll eventually go back to her place and see if she ever shows up. But, for now, I drive. I drive to our place on the beach and stop Luca’s car. Maybe this is a way to get closure without actually having to speak to her. Maybe, if I tell the world how I’m feeling here, in our place, it will be enough that I can figure out how to move on.
I get out of the car, and a cold draft of wind blows, sending a shiver through my body. It doesn’t really ever get cold here. Not enough to need anything but an occasional rain jacket. But that wind felt different. It felt cold, chilling.
I smile weakly. At least Hawaii still gets me. Still understands me and supports me. I just have to convince myself to get my ass back out into the ocean again.
I walk down the beach before I spot her blonde hair blowing in the wind. She has a light sweater wrapped around her shoulders as she sits on the beach, looking out at the storm that seems to be rolling in over the ocean.
I stop for a second. I could turn around, and she would never know that I was here.
Pussy, I think. Just go talk to her. Get closure.
I’ll go pick up a six-pack of beer on my way back to Luca and drink the night away. But, first, I have to go talk to her.
I walk to where she is sitting and sit down next to her without a word. She doesn’t glance over at me. She just tightens her grip on her sweater, and I know that she knows it is me sitting next to her.
I sit there, just staring out at the ocean with her, trying to figure out what I need from her. What I need to get over her. I don’t have a clue. But the longer I sit next to her, the clearer what I need becomes.
I reach out and softly touch her chin to get her to look at me. She flinches at my touch.
I pull my hand back and wait for her to look at me. “Why?”
He asked, “Why?”
That’s the first word I’ve heard him say since that night. That’s all he gave me. One word.
No context about how he is feeling. Although I can tell, from the pain that is apparent on his face, the alcohol on his breath, and the brokenness of his body, I hurt him. More than I even thought I would.
I hurt Asher.
Ruined him.