If only Gray had known about Baal back then, he would have begged, pleaded and taken on a thousand pacts with the devil to get his brother back. But it was too late now.
There hadn’t been any choices, and by the time Gray had found out about the supernatural powers dwelling in the clubhouse, Mike’s body had long been ash. “No. You can’t bring back a dead person. Once they die, that’s it,” he said, somewhat bitter that Mike couldn’t have stayed behind like the ghosts Elliot and Knight could see. It was selfish of him, but even after two years, the dull pain left behind by the loss wouldn’t let him live in peace.
Shadow stroked Gray’s wet hair, and Gray couldn’t remember the last time he was this intimate with anyone. He’d had sex a few months ago with Jake, but that had been a disaster. Within this past year, he’d hooked up with Pete once and another time gotten so drunk he’d landed in bed with a hangaround he then ended up avoiding for weeks. None of those flings gave him the kind of safety offered by Shadow’s arms.
“Will I die?” came out of nowhere, pulling Gray right out of the pleasant sleepiness.
He pulled away from Shadow and looked into his eyes with a sinking feeling already spreading through his chest. “N-no. You will go back to the Others and be one with them again. You probably won’t even remember the things that happened while you were here,” Gray said, hoping it was all true. He was grateful for the uncomfortable question, because it resolved the problem posed by this newfound desire for Shadow—he didn’t want to form attachment to someone who would leave him soon.
“I’m sure the other Gray is out there in some form as well. Even if he’s not what he used to be.”
Gray chuckled and shook his head, resting his head on the pillow. “He’s not another Gray. He was my twin brother. But we started as one… um... cell, so when it divided in two, what came out was two identical babies. But we weren’t the same. Mike was…” Gray licked his lips, remembering their long, happy childhood that involved freedoms few kids their age enjoyed. Mike had taken to them all like a duck to water, but for Gray some elements of the motorcycle club lifestyle weren’t nearly as attractive. Mike used to hang out with Knight a lot, and they’d often participate in group sex together. Gray? He felt lost with the constant pressure to collect notches on the bedpost like it was an achievement worth pursuing.
“We weren’t exactly the same on the inside. Mike was lively, and funny, and everyone loved him. And I’ve always been a bit quiet, just following him on all those crazy adventures, to pick up the pieces if he ended up hurt.”
Until that one time when he was too tired to go for a motorcycle ride late at night, and so he wasn’t there for Mike when it mattered. He’d gone to sleep, and Mike had only been found the next day. Gray would never stop wondering if Mike could have been saved if he were there with him. If only Gray had noticed Mike’s absence earlier, would they have had enough time to save him?
“You complemented each other. I understand. Maybe it’s why you will never connect with me. Because you’re already whole.” Shadow hugged Gray tighter.
Gray fell silent. Shadow’s words were so heart-breaking he needed a minute to process the raw pain returning to him now that he’d allowed himself to talk about Mike. “But I’m not. He was so very alive, and it feels like I’m just his shadow, forced to be apart from him forever.” He’d never understood Shadow more than when he said those words out loud. How would his life have been if he and Mike had grown apart? If Mike had rejected him at any point?
“For as long as I’m here, you can lean on me.”
Even Gray’s father had never been emotionally open enough to say this so plainly. Gray knew his brothers were there for him, that he could count on them, but they were always surrounded by invisible walls he couldn’t penetrate. Shadow’s wall was paper-thin.
Gray shifted closer and pushed his foot between Shadow’s calves, in need of being even closer. “It’s a secret, so you can’t tell anyone. I used to do this with Mike. Even when we were much older and should have grown out of cuddling. I still needed him to be close with me like before the day we were born,” Gray whispered, shuddering with shame. If anyone had found out, they’d have surely been freaked out, so it had been their secret, something they only did behind closed doors.
He and Mike had never touched in a sexual way, but Gray still felt guilty over liking the cuddling that little bit too much. And yet he kept doing it, doomed by the feeling that no other man could ever offer him the kind of safety and closeness Mike could.