He kissed the side of Gray’s head, unsure if he was allowed to do so in front of Elliot, but Gray had held his hand and stayed close, so it was surely acceptable. Gray’s breath trembled, and when he briefly looked at Shadow, the depth of emotion in his gaze invited Shadow closer, until he had his nose buried in the fine hair behind Gray’s ear. His skin was so soft there, so tender Shadow could practically feel its sweetness.
“How does the spore thing work? Why would you disappear next new moon? How do we stop it?” Gray whispered as Elliot drove them through the woods toward the clubhouse.
Shadow backed off, surprised by the question when his mind was getting muddled by the memory of Gray spreading his thighs.
“The… ah. The last of the ruby I have sustains my body. I don’t work on the inside like humans, but I need energy. I can’t survive on rats alone. The ruby… keeps it all together. The shadow, the bones, what came from the Other Side. When I leave the body, I take the ruby with me. It’s why I can now touch things even without my flesh with me. But the ruby that we can use for energy must be natural, and a particular hue, the pigeon blood. These rubies originate on the Other Side, so Baal can use them to focus energy. But he can’t reach them himself. Do you understand?”
Gray gave a shuddery breath. “Like the Pigeon Heart,” he said.
Shadow still remembered the Pigeon Heart’s intense smell. Like life itself. Fresh, juicy, and tastier than any cockroach. “Just like it. But I thought you knew that was why it was so important.”
Gray rubbed his face. “Baal wants to enter this world, and the ruby can be used to stop him somehow. But where does that leave us? Do you want this to happen? For him to come here?” Gray asked softly.
Shadow pulled away, taken aback by the question, and unsure how to answer it. He hadn’t given much thought to what he wanted in the matter. “In my world, I existed in a state of connection to all those around me. They were me, I was them. A part of me wants you to know how that feels, but… now that I know how it is to be human, I don’t want to share you either. I don’t want you to dissolve into others.” He clenched his fists at the sheer frustration the thought caused him. If Gray turned into one of them, he wouldn’t be himself anymore. The absolute joy of sharing the very private connection between their minds and bodies would disperse into the multitude of beings like a spider in his innards.
The Gray he knew would no longer exist, and neither would Knight, Elliot, Nao, and the other friends he’d made. And he? He had pleasant—if fuzzy—memory of being a part of the swarm, but after a month in this world, he no longer was only that. He’d learnt things and had thoughts he didn’t have to share with anyone unless he chose to. Moments he lived through were only his own, and so were his feelings for Gray. He didn’t want anyone else to experience them.
Gray grabbed Shadow’s palm, closing it in his warm fingers. “For us, it would be like death. That’s why so many of the guys dislike you. They think you’re on Baal’s side. That you’re out to get us.”
Shadow squeezed Gray’s hand. “I think I understand. They—you don’t want to… lose who you are, for your energy to disperse into the world.”
Gray offered him a faint smile. “Yes. And I don’t want you to disperse either. What can I do?”
Shadow sank into his seat, upset that he couldn’t give Gray an easy answer. “I’m sorry, but without the right rubies, I won’t survive. At least not in the way you know me now.” He wouldn’t even stay with Gray as a shadow, since Gray traded him with Baal.
What would happen to him once the deal was complete? He hadn’t given it enough thought, and now his time was halved!
Gray’s hand squeezing on his knee made Shadow look up. Gray’s eyes seemed focused, as if they were calculating a million possibilities. “So we need to find the right ruby. We can do that. Maybe in the new transport?”
Shadow smiled back. Just seeing Gray try to help him was enough to make Shadow’s heart beat faster. “Maybe.”
Gray’s face twitched, and only then did Shadow notice that his features were slightly tense, as if he wasn’t telling him everything. “Good. We still have a month anyway. We can find the right ruby for you.”
Shadow licked his lips, overwhelmed by the idea that he might actually be staying. “Or many smaller ones. Tiny even. All would extend my time here for at least a bit.”