“Unless they’re The Shape of Water.” Shadow wiggled his eyebrows. A human falls in love with a creature of a different species there, and they manage to conquer all hurdles to be together. Why wouldn’t it be possible for him and Gray to do the same?
Gray laughed. “No, I mean that relationships in movies and relationships in real life are very different. Real life can be disappointing. But then I met you, and it’s like I stepped into a fictional world where I could have exactly what I needed,” he said, squeezing Shadow’s hand.
“How come?” Shadow wished he was capable of absorbing all of the information from Gray without the barrier of words. He wished to understand Gray’s intent without the need to ask about it, but maybe having to work hard to figure each other out made the fruit of the conversation that much more delicious.
Gray put down the banana and massaged Shadow’s hand. “Because you’re free of all the expectations and rules people constrict their lives with. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You want to make me happy, but you don’t care that you might not always be what everyone else wants you to be. And because you love only me. And because I’m not worried what would happen if we broke up. You would never do anything spiteful just to hurt me,” Gray said, nuzzling Shadow’s face before giving him a soft kiss, despite the worms Shadow had eaten.
Shadow nodded, feeling so ultimately accepted that he was sure condescending words from Rev could never hurt him again. “I wouldn’t. But being human can be so hard to navigate. I do want to fit in.”
“I know. There’s so many rules to how men and women should act. If you’re not that, people will ridicule you. So you end up trying your best to lay low. When I was younger, I was so jealous of Mike that he was everything a man should be,” he said with a laugh that sounded oddly bitter.
“But he was your twin. Were you really that different?”
Gray smirked. “Our personalities were quite different. He loved me the way I was, but I wasn’t as outgoing, and I had zero interest in girls. And I was never like… into girly things, but I guess as a kid I wasn’t invested enough in the things boys are supposed to like. My dad noticed early on, and so did his friends.”
“What are boys supposed to like? Money came up a lot in the videos I watched.”
Gray snorted. “Oh, yeah. They should want money, and guns, and violence, and they shouldn’t like pretty things. Girls are the exception. As a man, you should like girls. You should hide your feelings, unless you’re very content or angry, and you should always keep your cool. And if you can’t do that then you’re a girl. And it’s bad if a man is like a girl. I guess I don’t really want to constantly go against the grain. Sometimes, it’s easier to just be invisible.”
Shadow snuggled up to Gray, wary of not dropping the worms between them. “Do you hate the life you have then? There is so much violence in it after all.”
Gray examined the contents of the bowl, but didn’t seem repulsed, for once. “No, I don’t really mind the violence that much. I like feeling competent. I like that others respect my skills, but there are sides of me that I don’t want to share with my friends, because they wouldn’t get it. Like the movies I like to watch. I don’t think liking romantic, pretty things makes me less of a man, but people will have their fucking opinions.”
Shadow had noticed the strange looks or laughs he got for saying certain things, or talking about what he liked. He was slowly understanding that a lot of it might have been connected to the issues Gray was talking about.
“You can share them with me. I love every side of you. Your father said you only like me because you’re lonely, but I’m thinking that he doesn’t understand what you need the way I do.”
Gray scowled and kissed Shadow’s cheek, hugging him. “That’s bullshit. And it’s not like I didn’t have many other people to choose from. I’d still pick you over everyone else,” he said, looking into Shadow’s eyes. He stayed silent for a couple of moments, but Shadow sensed his hesitation and waited.
Gray gave him a tight smile and went on, “My father ridiculed me too when I was younger. I bet he’d have loved it if I was more like Mike. You know what he said to me when he discovered I was a bottom? That maybe I should do that somewhere else. Take care of that need on a night out in Portland. Because, you know, this somehow reflects on him,” he said and suddenly dove his hand into the bowl of worms. He popped two into his mouth and chewed.