And yet Gray’s usually steady hand trembled at the thought of Shadow’s screams and blood gushing out of the fresh wound. Sickness rose in his throat once more.
He didn’t even know what was happening, didn’t have time to fight it, when Shadow took over the hand and pressed the knife down in one clean cut.
His knees went soft, his head light, but he stood still, staring at the blade separating the finger from the hand as blood slowly spread over the lacquered wood. Seeing it was like a snap of fingers, and it finally made him wake up from the stupor.
“Shit,” Gray muttered, putting down the knife and quickly fishing in his pockets for a clean tissue. He wanted to just take Shadow into his arms, but this needed to be dealt with first, and he pulled him to a cupboard where they kept their first aid supplies.
“He’s dripping all over the floor,” Rev said, but Gray just ignored him and quickly pushed Shadow to sit in a chair.
“I’ve done it,” he said, even though he knew he hadn’t been the one to make that cut.
Shadow was shivering all over, his eyes wide, lips open, but he hadn’t made a peep, and guiding him was like handling a mannequin made of flesh.
“Yes you have,” Beast said without much emotion, but he stood and filled a shot glass with vodka before handing it to Shadow. “Drink up, it will help.”
Knight came closer too and actually patted Shadow on the back once he downed the alcohol with a hiss. “Prospecting next year?”
Shadow let out a sob when Gray touched his hand again, but nodded, keeping his head low, as if meeting anyone’s eyes could have resulted in unforeseen consequences.
Vars sat in an empty chair next to Shadow’s. “Let me help with that, I’ve got experience. I’ve heard yours is more in doing the damage than the other way round?”
Gray bit his lip, trying to stop the bleeding with gauze. He felt like shit, but he also didn’t want to reject the help. After all, both he and Shadow committed to staying and accepting the punishment. He wasn’t a child to get offended and turn his back on well-meaning people.
“Yeah,” he said and pulled Shadow close as soon as Vars took over with the dressing.
He sensed Shadow’s wild pulse, but was happy to see him gradually calm down with the help of another shot. Vars was proficient at his job, and someone was merciful enough to remove the finger and blood from the table while Gray wasn’t looking.
With Shadow’s wound secured, the patches started leaving the room one by one.
Beast was last. “Clean up, and we’ll see you in the common room once you’re done. We’ve got a fuckload to talk about.”
Gray nodded, cuddling Shadow even tighter. “Yeah. We’re fine,” he said but was already sliding to his knees.
As soon as they had some privacy, Shadow curled up into Gray’s embrace and let out a low sob so full of anguish Gray’s heart bled. He must have been holding it in all along. He was absorbing the exact type of masculine behavior Gray had criticized, but still let go when everyone was gone. This had to be good enough, because the world around them could only change so fast. If Shadow was to stay in the club, he needed to be strong, so maybe it was for the better.
They could be vulnerable with each other, and that was all that mattered.
“It hurts so much,” Shadow whispered between one sob and another, making Gray’s guilt soar.
“I’m so sorry. Does it feel better when you cry?” he asked softly and raised the bandaged hand to his lips. There was no way to turn back time, so all he could do was try to soothe Shadow’s distress.
Shadow nodded so eagerly his hair obscured his face. “Yes. I need a while before facing everyone again. I took something from them. From you. It’s only fair.”
Gray’s breath trembled, and he pressed a tender kiss to the top of the injured hand, sinking even lower, until his forehead rested against Shadow’s chest. “No, it’s not. It should have been me. You even cut the finger for me. Why do you have to bear all the punishment?” he asked, increasingly agitated.
Shadow smiled despite the tears on his face, and even now, he pulled Gray close with his other arm. “Because I love you.”
Gray had no counterarguments. He exhaled, slowly relaxing as the inevitability of what happened finally sank in. “You need to let me love you next time. You were so brave,” he whispered, still touched that Shadow cut his own finger to help him.
Shadow nuzzled Gray’s hair, and despite the horror that had gone down, the gesture was so intimate Gray’s heart skipped a beat. “Next time.”
Epilogue
Sitting behind Gray’s back and holding him tight as the world flew by was still one of Shadow’s favorite things. He trusted Gray completely, so putting his life on the line was no issue, no matter how fast they moved along the empty road through the woods.