“I couldn’t sleep. Must be all the excitement,” he said, feeling cornered when he took the tiniest step back and his hip touched the railing.
Clover nudged him with his elbow. “Boar seems in good shape. All things considered.”
Drake sucked in cool air and looked away. On people like Boar, worst of the scars likely hid under the surface, but he didn’t want to confront Clover about it and spoil his mood. Maybe it was for the better that they didn’t know everything that had happened to their friend during his absence?
Clover smoked in silence for a while, beautiful like a doll from the top of his head, to the lovely slim fingers, and all the way to his pink toes. He’d seemed so normal and at ease when having sex with Boar and Tank, so why couldn’t Drake fight through his own inhibitions and offer the boy what he wanted?
Drake knew the answer. Boar and Tank weren’t the ones to put the scars on Clover’s back. Drake had seen those today. Dark, red, they marred his pale skin, but were nothing in comparison to the burn mark on Clover’s shoulder. All those reminders were hidden by the pajamas now, but Drake remained constantly aware of their presence. They were a physical stain on their relationship.
“I hope he recovers fast. Then, we’ll have to figure out what to do with our living situation. Would be nice to have a bathroom at home,” Drake said, shrugging.
Clover grinned at him and released some smoke through his nose. “Is that why you keep disappearing? ‘Cause you hate our house? Prince and the pea?”
Drake stubbed out his cigarette and leaned against the railing, watching the landscape just so that he wouldn’t have to meet Clover’s gaze. It was as if there was a barrier between them, and crossing it remained a difficult task each time he tried.
“It’s just… easier for me to be alone.”
“I’m sure it’s not.” Clover dropped the cigarette from the balcony and took the one step needed to hug Drake.
It was as if ivy had grown out of the floor and held Drake in place. Stiff, he stopped breathing when the soft hair brushed his chin.
“It really is.”
Clover’s hold tightened around him, and it was both torment and relief at once. “I know you, Drake. If you liked being alone, you wouldn’t have joined Tank. We lived in such a big house, yet most of the time you’d gravitate to where people were. You need this. Us.”
Drake exhaled, shutting his eyes as he breathed in Clover’s scent. He missed this boy so much yet couldn’t bring himself to reach out. “Maybe I used to. But now being around you all reminds me of what I’ve done.”
The silence fell on Drake like a tonne of bricks, but Clover still hugged him.
Every breath was hard to take, and once again Drake thought of how much easier it would have been to just end this whole torment forever.
“I’m sorry,” Clover whispered, maddening Drake with his gentle stroking. Drake didn’t deserve any of his patience and tenderness. “Is there anything I can do to make it better?”
Drake choked on air, suddenly frantic to get away. But he didn’t move. Clover didn’t deserve to be rejected. “No. No. I just have to live with it. It’s not like it’s gonna kill me.”
Even now, after all Drake had done to him, Clover asked him how he was feeling and what he, the victim, could do to help. Drake didn’t deserve him.
“I know it’s hard. But that was what Apollo wanted. To crush you.”
Drake stroked Clover’s hair, unable to stop himself from touching the boy when he was so close. “He succeeded. We had something special, and he stepped on it,” he whispered.
“I still love you,” Clover said in a tiny voice.
“How can you? You won’t even tell me how you really feel. You’re not fine. I know it.”
Clover took a deep breath that tickled Drake’s neck. “I don’t want to make you feel bad.”
Drake gave a bitter laugh and wiped his forehead with his hand, just to put it to work. “I already feel bad. I don’t want you to protect me.”
“Why not? You did that for me so many times.”
Drake closed his eyes in disbelief. Clover, out of all people, wanted to protect him? It was beyond sweet, but also akin to a kitten trying to fight off a Doberman.
“Because you’re mine to protect. I know I failed, but I’ll still try,” he said, closing his arms around Clover. He felt like a bastard for taking advantage of Clover’s kindness, but it was too hard to resist the consolation it offered.
“I am? Still yours?” Clover sounded hopeful, and it broke Drake’s heart. After all he’d been through, Clover still clung to him.
Drake’s throat tightened, but he squeezed the railing to relieve the tension rolling through his body. “I don’t know if I deserve it. But I still love you.”