“He made me do something I didn’t want.”
Heat vaporized from Emil’s burns and went to his head. “What are you trying to say?”
“What do you think?” Adam asked in a tight voice.
Emil clenched his teeth, stung by the excuses. They’d had so much chemistry Adam couldn’t deny himself contact with Emil despite his misgivings. And now he was trying to convince Emil nothing about the way he’d given himself to him had been real? This had to be one of the most insidious things he’d ever heard. “I don’t like what you’re suggesting here.”
Adam took several deep breaths, his throat moving rapidly as he swallowed. “It doesn’t matter whether you like it or not. I’ve told you so many times I don’t want anything like that from you or anyone. Maybe you should have noticed something was off. I don’t know,” he said, his voice rising in pitch.
Emil opened his mouth in protest, but then closed it in disbelief. All of a sudden, he wanted a towel too. Once again, he wanted to confront Adam, tell him to stop hiding behind some imagined entity and take some responsibility for his actions, but the sting in his back stopped him, a reminder that nothing was normal about this night. He felt sick at the thought that if Adam was telling the truth, what they’d done had nothing to do with Adam shedding his inhibitions and everything with a dark force that had chosen to fuck with their lives.
“I’m only human,” Emil mumbled, but when Adam stayed silent, he did too.
Despite the tension that felt heavier than a down comforter in the summer, Adam soon returned to his side and tended to the burns with gentle care that amplified the sense of guilt rotting Emil’s insides.
And the worst thing about it all was that no matter what, Emil couldn’t get the sex out of his head. For him, everything they’d said to each other, every touch and kiss, had been honest. When Adam had asked him to be exclusive, Emil only needed a few seconds to agree. No one had ever asked him to be theirs. Not Radek, not any other hook-up, and definitely not Filip ‘I’m-getting-married’ Koterski.
Emil hadn’t given this much thought before, stuck in a town where everyone pretended gay people existed solely in big cities, but when Adam had asked, it hit him just how much he craved someone of his own. To be completely devoted to one person and share his life with them. His love—sex—life had always been about irregular outings to Sanok, where he’d steal moments with men who didn’t care to get to know him, and seducing tourists, who were transient by nature. He would give all that up in a heartbeat if Adam said the word.
But Adam didn’t want him and pulled that rug from under Emil’s feet so fast Emil’s teeth ached from the fall. He was almost glad for the burns, because they provided a distraction from the depth of his disappointment.
Adam suggested they might go to the emergency room, but Emil had seen the red marks in the mirror, and they weren’t as bad as he’d feared. He wouldn’t travel all the way to Sanok so the medical personnel could put some ointment on him and call it a day. In the end, he begrudgingly allowed Adam to dress his back and put on some clothes as soon as he was free to do so.
If Emil’s life was rich in something, it was failure, but this night took the cake.
Adam sat in a chair close by in his damp jean shorts, since he refused to wear any of Emil’s pants, his gaze stuck to the floor, as if he feared spotting whatever was haunting him. If he stayed over any longer, he might go mad with fear.
“Let’s go,” Emil said curtly. “You sure you don’t want a sweater?”
Adam’s hesitation was enough for Emil to head back to his closet, but the thought of the invisible creature watching him from a corner made him pause over the threshold of his bedroom. With unease curling in his stomach, he glanced around, but when the candlelight didn’t reveal anything suspicious, he grabbed his favorite black sweater and returned to Adam.
The priest still bore the marks of their love making in the form of a few scratches, and even a small hickey where Emil had got overindulgent with kisses, but the priest collar would hide that. Adam accepted the sweater with a mumbled “thank you” but wouldn’t step outside without Emil leading the way.
Emil grabbed a large flashlight, and they went out into a silence so hollow it left room for a hundred devils. The moon shone like a lantern in the cloudless sky, so bright they didn’t need any additional illumination after all.
He took a deep breath and glanced at the outline of the tallest plants in the meadow ahead. The darkness offered peace at last, and felt safer than the inside of his own home. “You didn’t summon it in any way?” he asked, still on the fence whether he should believe a word Adam said.