No Comebacks

'Right,' said Armitage junior.

Martin Pound took a slim letter opener and carefully slit the end of the fat envelope in his hands. From it he withdrew another bulky envelope and a three-page document, bound along the left-hand margin with narrow green tape. Pound placed the fat envelope to one side and opened out the folded sheets. He began to read.

'This is the last will of me, Timothy John Hanson, of...'

'We know all that,' said Armitage senior.

'Get on with it,' said Mrs Armitage.

Pound glanced at each with some distaste over the top of his glasses. He continued. 'I declare that this my will is to be construed in accordance with English law. Two, I hereby revoke all former wills and testamentary dispositions made by me...'

Armitage junior gave vent to the noisy sigh of one whose patience has been too long tried.

'Three, I appoint as executor the following gentleman, a solicitor, and ask that he administer my estate, and pay my duty payable thereon, and execute the provisions of this my will, namely: Martin Pound of

Pound, Gogarty. Four, I ask my executor at this point of the reading to open the enclosed envelope wherein he will find a sum of money to be used for the expenses of my burial, and for the settlement of his professional fees, and of any other disbursements incurred in the execution of my wishes. And in the event that there be any monies remaining from the enclosed sum, then do I direct that he donate such monies to any charity of his own choice.'

Mr Pound laid down the will and took up again his letter knife. From the unopened envelope he extracted five wads of £20 notes, all new and each encircled by a brown paper band indicating that the sum in each wad amounted to £1000. There was silence in the room. Armitage junior ceased exploring one of his cavities and stared at the pile of money with the indifference of a satyr observing a virgin. Martin Pound picked up the will again.

'Five, I ask my sole executor, in deference to our long friendship, that he assume his executive functions upon the day following my burial.'

Mr Pound glanced again over the top of his glasses.

'In the normal course of events I would have already visited Mr Hanson's business in the city, and his other known assets, to ensure that they were being well and properly run and maintained, and that no financial damage would accrue to the beneficiaries by neglect of the assets,' he said. 'However, I have only just formally learned of my appointment as sole executor, so I have not been able to do so. Now it appears I cannot begin until the day after the funeral.'

'Here,' said Armitage senior, 'this neglect, it wouldn't diminish the value of the estate, would it?'

'I cannot say,' replied Pound. 'I doubt it. Mr Hanson had excellent assistants in his City dealership and I have no doubt he trusted in their loyalty to keep things running well.'

'Still, hadn't you better get weaving?' asked Armitage.

'The day after the funeral,' said Pound.

'Well then, let's get the funeral over with as soon as possible,' said Mrs Armitage.

'As you wish,' replied Pound. 'You are his next of kin.' He resumed reading. 'Six, I give to…'

Here Martin Pound paused and blinked as if he had trouble reading what he read. He swallowed. 'I give to my dear and loving sister the rest and residue of my estate absolutely, in the confidence that she will share her good fortune with her lovable husband Norman and their attractive son Tarquin. The same being subject to the conditions of paragraph seven.'

There was a stunned silence. Mrs Armitage dabbed delicately at her eyes with a cambric handkerchief, less to wipe away a tear than cover the smile that twitched at the corner of her mouth. When she removed the handkerchief she glanced at her husband and son with the air of an over-age hen who has just lifted one buttock to find a solid gold egg reposing beneath. The two male Armitages sat with open mouths.

'How much was he worth?' demanded the senior one at last.

'I really couldn't say,' said Pound.

'Come on, you must know,' said the son. 'Roughly. You handled all his affairs.'

Pound thought of the unknown solicitor who had drawn up the will in his hand. 'Almost all,' he said.

'Well...?'

Pound bit on the bullet. However unpleasant he found the Armitages, they were the sole beneficiaries of his late friend's .will. 'I should have thought, at current market prices, assuming all the estate is called in and realized, between two and a half and three million pounds.''

'Bloody hell,' said Armitage senior. He began to have mental images. 'How much will death duties come to?'

'Quite a large amount, I'm afraid.'

'How much?'