Her Nine Month Confession

Back on the ward, Lily gave an edited version of what the doctor had told her to her mother. They spoke softly because Emmy had fallen asleep, her thumb in her mouth. Looking at her made Lily’s heart ache. That anyone so innocent should suffer...it seemed so wrong.

Elizabeth sat there in silence during Lily’s halting delivery and then, with a hand pressed to her mouth, rushed from the room.

Lily found her a few moments later in the corridor, red-faced, but calm. ‘This is the last thing you need. I’m sorry I didn’t want Emmy to see... How are you, darling?’ She held out her arms.

After a few moments Lily pulled free of the warm maternal embrace. ‘I’m fine.’ Empty was a better description, empty but for the sense of purpose that she focused on with tunnel-like determination.

‘I have to leave, Mum.’

‘But why? To go where?’

‘I’ll explain later, but I’ll be back soon, I promise, and you have to go home for some sleep when I do.’ She kissed her mother’s smooth cheek. ‘You look exhausted.’

‘It’s not me I’m worried about.’

Lily’s voice thickened. ‘Have I said thank you for being there...for everything...?’

‘What you don’t seem to realise is that what you’d do for Emmy I would do for you. You’re still my little girl.’

There were tears in Lily’s eyes as she walked down the corridor. She dabbed at them impatiently and reminded herself there was hope. Outside it had begun to drizzle. Standing on the wet pavement, she fished out the phone Ben had given her and pressed the dial key. He picked up almost straight away.

‘Ben, it’s Lily, could you—?’

She stopped as a long limo drew up beside her, a window swished down and Ben, phone to his ear, leaned out.

Lily laughed. She hadn’t really believed he was going to drive around the block.

‘Need a lift?’

She nodded and the door swung open.

‘Where to?’ He studied her face and watched a single tear slide down her cheek, then another. He felt as if someone had reached into his chest and squeezed his heart. ‘Oh, baby!’ He reached for her and she drew back, a hand extended to ward him off.

‘Do not touch me...don’t!’ she quivered out.

He stiffened.

‘It’s not you, it’s me...if you touch me I’ll start crying and I don’t think I’ll be able to stop!’ she wailed.

He touched a teardrop on her cheek with his thumb. ‘You’re already crying.’

With a sob she flung herself at him. Ben looked down at the fiery head pressed to his chest. After a pause his arms went around her and he let her cry herself out while he signalled the driver to carry on driving.

Embarrassed by her outburst and ashamed of her weakness, she finally pulled away. ‘I must look terrible.’

‘You look...’ He stopped, an odd expression spreading across his face before he said abruptly, ‘Fine. So...?’

He was prepared for the worst. He had been from the moment she had slid into the car emanating the sort of tension that did not say good news. And then she had started crying. He had never heard sobs like that before. They seemed to have been dragged from deep inside her. The sense of helplessness he had felt remained, a cold knot in his gut. He had dated beautiful women, women who were well groomed and elegant, and yet as he looked at Lily sitting there, her tear-stained face bare of all make-up, her hair a wild tangle, it struck him that he had never seen any woman look more beautiful.

‘Sorry, I should have told you straight away.’

He took a deep breath. He was... No...prepared was a joke. Some things you couldn’t be prepared for.

‘She’s very ill—'

She sniffed, visibly fighting for control, and Ben smothered a wave of protective concern that made him want to take her in his arms again. He was conscious that in her emotionally vulnerable state even small gestures could be misinterpreted, taken for something they were not.

He might be a bastard but he was at least an honest one. He’d never raised a woman’s expectations in his life.

‘Very ill, it’s a...her blood. The doctor explained, but her best hope is a bone-marrow transplant.’

There was hope.

Listening, Ben knew how a man in a very long very black tunnel felt when a light appeared. He had a dozen questions but he closed his mouth, stifled his impatience and instead prompted gently.

‘That’s good.’

Her face told him there was a but coming.